Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else

Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back

Economic Thrill Seeker Likes To Live On Edge Of Poverty

Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots

Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy

FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy

New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System

Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?

Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country

Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs

Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month

Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class

Man Has Nothing Non-Edible To Live For

Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

String Of Poorly Received Performances Force Sock Puppet To Return To Foot

After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality

OE: This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations (By Barack Obama)

Arby’s Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Come Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New Calvin & Hobbes Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite

Neighbor’s Housefire Kind Of Beautiful Actually

Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

Utterance Of Secret Password Grants Customer Access To Long Rumored 18-Inch Subway Sandwich

Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Probation

Father Assures Frightened Son Monster Under Bed Has Been Dead For Weeks

Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming

Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn’t Possible, Demand Heath Ledger ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Appearance

Report: Everyone In Outlet Mall Limping

Barry Pepper Getting By

Tweet Skimmed

OE: Well, I Guess I’ll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation

Bear Emerges From Halloween Refreshed And Ready To Kill

Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door

Popular Kid’s Signature Forged On Cast

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

Pork Pulled Beyond Recognition

Same Slide Whistle That Saddened Man Cheers Him Right Back Up

Engine Harmonized With

Blindfold Won’t Matter Soon

Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed

Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful

Old Guy At Hostel Down To Party

Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures

Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed

Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter

Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial

OE: I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same

Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission

Longtime ‘Walking Dead’ Viewer Insulted By Implication He Needs Recap Of Previous Week’s Episode

Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check

Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In

Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card

MAG: Our Accountant Said We Could Write Off This Dehumidifier If We Put It On The Cover

MAG: Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity

Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children

Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility

Neil Patrick Harris Reminds Oscar Winners To Tip Their Presenters

‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face

Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son

FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down

Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended

‘Elle’ Magazine Accidentally Airbrushes Naomi Watts Out Of Cover Altogether

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

Lighthearted Pillow Fight Turns Serious After Good Shot To Face

Snack That Resided In Empty Vending Machine Slot Must Have Been Delicious

Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected

Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates

MAG: Due To A Scheduling Error, We Sit Down With The Cast Of ‘Empire’ And Mitch McConnell

Bestselling Novel To Be Adapted Into More Money

Funeral Home To Cremate Other Half Of Body Once Check Clears

Third Sneeze By Far Worst One In Trilogy

Bris Attendees Not Sure If They’re Supposed To Clap

‘Gammy’ To Some, ‘Nana’ To Others: A Grandmother’s Story

Recipe On Back Of Pasta Box Pretty Specific About What Brand Of Linguine Should Be Used

Blind Taste Test Participants Keep Knocking Over Sodas

Weird Coworker’s iTunes Library Full Of Speeches

Passenger Ruins Perfectly Good Windshield By Flying Through It

MAG: Our 25th Annual Most Dressed Issue

Child’s Prayer Just Rehashed Christmas List

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin

Cashier Given Clearance To Put Receipt In The Bag

Decadent Autobiography Includes 2 Photo Insert Sections

Hurled X-Box Controller Sheepishly Retrieved

Man Always Gets Little Rush Out Of Telling People John Lennon Beat Wife

Pedestrian Really Milking Right Of Way

Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting

American Dental Association Recommends Teeth

Grizzled Band-Aid Weathers Third Shower

Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee

Other Stall Even Worse

Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down

Asshole Taking Up Two Plots

Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns

Anus An Outie

Woman Angrily Un-Synchronizes Period With Friend After Falling Out

Lackluster Dance Craze Only Sweeps 9 States

New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch

Victoria’s Secret Introduces Sexy Push-Left Bras

Irresponsible Slow Jam Fails To Mention Dental Dams

Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television

Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him

Commute Always First Worst Part Of Man’s Day

9-Year-Old Sad That Father’s iPad Moving Out

Ejaculate Location Approval Granted

Cloaked Man On White Steed Sick Of People Asking Him For Tidings From The North

Neckless Brute Hawks Creatine

Park Shelter Good A Place As Any To Be Deflowered

Man Not Sure If He’s Tying Condom Correctly

Brief Viewing Of BET Ushers Caucasian Into Alternate World Of African-American Advertisements

Purity Ring Powerless Against Cody

MAG: Skate-Shoving: The Dangerous Teen Trend We’re Trying To Get Going

Puppet Regime Not As Fun As It Sounds

Bookie Can Be Real Jerk When He Doesn’t Get His Money

National News Highlights
ALLENTOWN, PA—John Frankes, 32, told his corgi to sit and it did, because it had been a long day.

KNOXVILLE, TN—Nathan Kessler, 26, spent a good portion of the afternoon misremembering how great Earthworm Jim was.

LAKEWOOD, CO—Bob Kenney, 46, made sure his apology was way more insulting than his original comment.

BRANDON, SD—Karina Stetson, 6, slowed down her Mississippis upon request.

SAN JOSE, CA—Years of intense training and tremendous sacrifice have led gymnast Denise Volker to this sparsley attended moment.

GAINESVILLE, GA—Cathy Fiori sure made the most of her opposable thumbs today.

CLAYMONT, DE—Frank Santopadre knows his story is bombing but has gone too far to turn back now.

NATCHEZ, MS—Local shop owner Daniel Kerr, 37, realized the success or failure of his small business depended almost entirely on the lunkheads who live around him.

SOUIX CITY, IA—Though he might have phrased it differently, Marty Winters, 27, had to agree with his uncle that Taylor Swift was indeed a hot little minx.

KALISPELL, MT—Tara Lynch, 34, slipped into something equally comfortable but sexier.

SACRAMENTO, CA—Justin D’Antonio realized he had only himself to blame for his disrespectful parrot.

SAN FRANCISCO—After listening to a couple arguing on the street, Kevin Avery yelled a sensible solution out his fourth-floor window.

KIRKLAND, WA—Vern Hutchinson, 36, wished that just once he could walk out the left side of his room and emerge on the right like Pac-Man.

PORT ISABEL, TX—Carlos Galvez wished high tide would leave his sandcastle be.

SPOKANE, WA—Cristian Luca thought the anthropomorphic bowling pin that strutted across the scoreboard after his strike came off cocky.

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OH—Robin Pease was blessed with three beautiful children out of five.

Corrections

The misspelling of the word “hibiscus” in last Sunday’s Home & Garden section was not a mistake, but rather part of a sprawling logic puzzle that has been running in our newspaper for 30 weeks. The Onion will not apologize for challenging readers’ mental dexterity.

The Onion regrets misspelling the word “resolute” in last Thursday’s business section but isn’t that broken up about it.

The Onion apologizes for leaving the drawbridge down overnight.

The Onion would like to apologize in advance for tomorrow’s mistake, which is going to be a doozy.

The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.

In last week’s travel section the compass rose on the treasure map was askew. The Onion regrets the error.

Community Calendar

An outdoor screening of the Rozenski family’s rafting trip has been set up so everyone can get it over with at once.

This week’s city council meeting will conclude with a lengthy statement from an elderly woman who doesn’t know the issues but enjoys a little bit of human interaction.

Weddings

A Lego man and Dora the Explorer sealed their arranged marriage Wednesday with a face collision.

Laroy Hoard and Michelle Carter were married in the presence of God before going home to screw.

Lisa Hassell and Brian Morefield were united in marriage Saturday in a tacky love-themed wedding.

Obituaries

Kevin Maguire unwittingly martyred himself Wednesday for the cause of getting a stop sign put up on Larchmont.

Unsung Hero

Elizabeth Cho watched the sunset all the way to the end even after it started getting boring.

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Tamara Federici gave her friend a couple of extra back pats during their goodbye hug.

Jacob Elish watched a pornographic movie featuring an actress that vaguely resembled his wife.

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

Did You Know?

The smallest bone in the human body is self-conscious about it.

Fraternal twins have no visual payoff.

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation
(Headline & Article)

TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation. “I never leave home without my Glock, because you just don’t know when someone might mouth off to you in a bar and leave you with no choice but to turn a minor altercation into a tense life-or-death scenario,” said Donner, noting that he keeps his loaded weapon in a hip holster should the need arise for him to respond quickly, and with deadly force, when he is angered by a perceived slight. “Look, I hope to God no one ever tries to hit on my wife while I’m within earshot, but in the real world, things like this do happen. Sometimes you only have a split second to react and make things exponentially more dangerous.” At press time, sources confirmed Donner was pulling up next to a Honda Civic that had cut him off in traffic several blocks earlier.

Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party
(Headline & Article)

LANCASTER, PA—Explaining how their once-active discussion barely had the strength to continue on, sources confirmed Thursday that conversational lamprey Brian Kenney was slowly draining the life from acquaintance Josh Carrington’s dinner party. According to sources, Kenney firmly latched himself onto each of the night’s talking points and refused to let go until he sucked every ounce of energy from them, ultimately leaving each one too weakened and feeble to keep going. Despite their best efforts to shake off the conversational parasite and maintain a healthy discourse, guests confirmed that as soon as Kenney opened his mouth and dug into a topic, its vitality began quickly fading away, and it was only a matter of time before it wound up depleted and dead. After sapping the last bit of life from the dinner party, Kenney was reportedly seen trying to attach himself to a female guest in a desperate attempt to spawn.

Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In
(Headline & Article)

COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to maintain a peaceful and enjoyable atmosphere for guests at local nightclub Zenith, bouncer Anthony Russo was given strict instructions Wednesday not to let people like himself in. “Make sure you keep out any hotheads who seem like they’re just looking for a fight,” said club owner Greg Taylor to the frightening muscleman who has been known to instigate violence at even the slightest real or imagined provocation. “We don’t want this club turning into the kind of place where troublemakers hang out.” At press time, the man who had injected large quantities of illegal anabolic steroids into his bloodstream hours earlier was also told not to admit anyone who was carrying drugs.

Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy
(Headline & Copy)

PHILADELPHIA—Providing further insight into the country’s rapidly shifting attitudes about gender, a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that a growing number of Americans would be comfortable with a female Pep Boy. “Times have changed, and I think it would be great for my daughters to finally see a Pep Boy on the sign who looks like them,” said local father Robert Kinsley, echoing the sentiment of 72 percent of poll respondents who indicated they were ready for the full-service automotive chain’s trademark characters, Manny, Moe, and Jack, to be joined by a female Pep Boy, possibly named Janet or Fran. “It’s always been the same three guys on the logo, but I believe that a female Pep Boy is equally qualified to promote savings on replacement tires.” The study also reportedly revealed that a majority of the populace felt uneasy about the prospect of a Muslim Pep Boy.

Blood-Sucking Lamprey Forced To Make Awkward Small Talk With Fish It’s Hooked Onto
(Article)

ALGONAC, MI—While on a long trip upriver Wednesday, a blood-sucking sea lamprey was forced to make awkward small talk with a lake trout whose flesh it had bored into, sources reported. “At first, I tried to kick back and enjoy the ride in silence, but you can only use your razor-sharp teeth to shred through an organism’s surface tissue and feed off its bodily fluids for so long without saying anything before it starts to get weird,” the parasitic jawless fish told reporters while adhered just below his host’s left pectoral fin. “I asked him a few questions about where he’s from and what he likes to do for fun, and he made some quick little remarks about the current out there today—basic chitchat, you know. I figure it’s just a way to kill some time until I completely drain him of blood and leave him for dead.” The lamprey admitted, however, that while the conversation between him and the lake trout was a bit stiff and uncomfortable, the experience was far better than an encounter the previous week when he attached himself to the side of a salmon that would not stop yapping about her 7,000 kids.

93% Of Americans Admit They Occasionally Check Behind Shower Curtain For Bad Guys
(Article)

ATHENS, OH—Saying that it was the only way to assuage concerns that occasionally arose in their minds, 93 percent of Americans admitted to checking behind their shower curtain from time to time to ensure no bad guys were hiding there, a study out of Ohio University confirmed this week. “Our data indicate that an overwhelming majority of citizens will, at least once a week, count to three and then whip their shower curtain to the side to determine whether any malevolent figures are silently lurking in their bathtubs waiting for the perfect moment to strike,” said the study’s author, Samuel Kim, who noted that while subjects did not check behind the curtain every time they visited the lavatory, they were statistically far more likely to do so at night, when they were in their homes alone, or after watching a somewhat scary or unsettling movie or television show. “We found, however, that techniques varied from person to person. While some crept up to the curtain gingerly and ripped it aside with no warning, others gruffly stated aloud, ‘I know you’re in here,’ or made a sharp grunting noise as they moved the curtain with their left hand while keeping the right balled up in a fist should they uncover a deranged criminal whom they would then need to subdue through physical force.” Kim added that he would most assuredly be checking behind his own shower curtain this evening, but flatly stated he will not bend down to check underneath his bed as that is “just inane and childish.”

Last People Left At Party A Ragtag Assembly Of Friends Of Friends
(Article)

PHILADELPHIA—Struggling to maintain the evening’s previous energy levels as they sipped on drinks and chatted aimlessly between long, silent pauses, a ragtag assortment of friends of friends were reportedly all that remained at host Josh Harnon’s house party by the early morning hours Saturday. “Tahini is what gives hummus its flavor, but you have to make sure to use the right amount or else it will taste too much like tahini,” said an acquaintance twice-removed from Harnon's core friend group to a fellow guest who was the girlfriend of Harnon’s former roommate. “I like tahini. I like the flavor it adds, you know?” At press time, Harnon was attempting for the sixth time to courteously imply to the assembly of barely affiliated holdouts that he was headed to bed.

Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion
(Article)

ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion. “You can put the whole thing on my card,” said Grimaldi, who had also gallantly ferried the maiden in his horseless carriage to their village’s Planned Parenthood clinic. “I’m going to kill some time at Best Buy. I’ll swing by in about an hour, but text me if you get done before that or if it’s gonna be a much longer thing.” At press time, Grimaldi had squired Webster to a sumptuous feast at Denny’s and was eyeing the ample bosom of a comely young wench who strode forth bearing lunch.

Artist Always Carries Around Sketchbook In Case He Feels Like Making Someone Uncomfortable
(Article)

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t want to let the perfect opportunity pass him by, local artist Brian Danforth told reporters Tuesday that he makes a point to always carry a sketchbook around with him in case he feels like making a stranger uncomfortable. “You never know when you’ll catch a glimpse of some random person and feel that sudden urge to sketch them without their permission as they fidget under your gaze,” said Danforth, who noted that there’s nothing worse than coming across an interesting and easily unnerved subject on the subway whom you’d love to stare at intently from three feet away for several stops only to realize you don’t have your sketchbook with you. “A few weeks ago, I was sitting across from this great older gentleman at the coffee shop, but I had forgotten my pad at home and ended up wasting a ton of time trying to find a piece of paper before I finally just grabbed a napkin. But by that time, I barely even had a chance to make the guy feel completely self-conscious by darting my eyes back and forth between him and my pencil drawing before he got up and left. I won’t make that mistake again.” At press time, Danforth was switching seats on the 7 train to get a better angle on a passenger who had unfolded a newspaper in an effort to block his view.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit
(Article)

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbecue pit. “I noticed some charred remnants of meat on the grate, so I can only assume that someone decided to stop at this rest area during their trip and use this thing to cook up some burgers or chicken,” said Palmeri, surmising that the individual must have consciously chosen to pull off the highway and retrieve meat from their vehicle in order to have a barbecue in front of an overflowing, rusty garbage can and a succession of highway travelers walking to and from the public restroom. “There’s a couple travel plazas they could have stopped at for a quick meal, but I suppose that whoever’s been cooking here brought along charcoal, lighter fluid, and grilling tools because they had planned ahead of time on having maybe an hour-long cookout on this patch of grass between the travel information sign and the woods. Then I guess they just got back on the road.” Palmeri then admitted he was impressed that someone had successfully managed to grill food on the barbecue pit, noting how it was jutting out of the ground at a 75-degree angle.

Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times
(Article)

SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times. “The watch is a good start, but I need as many devices as possible to be directly in contact with my flesh, like lightweight tablets I can strap to my legs or some kind of Apple chestplate I can wear under my shirt,” said 28-year-old Robert Klinman, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who said that any portion of their skin not in contact with an Apple product felt raw and exposed. “Maybe some kind of flexible Apple scarf, or even a full-body LCD sheet I could wrap my body in over and over, and that I’d never have to take off to sync up to my laptop. I mean, can you imagine anything more comforting than the warmth of your Apple pajamas as they gently charge through the night?” At press time, Apple consumers confirmed they would do their best with existing technology by wearing an Apple Watch and simply leaning their cheek against an iPad when they got lonely.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low
(Article)

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their oldest brother, Dennis, was setting the bar so low. “Dennis barely had the grades to get into the local state college and then took six years to graduate, so as long as I get in anywhere and don’t drop out, Mom and Dad should be completely fine with it,” said Eric, 15, whose sister confirmed how much they appreciate Dennis taking the pressure off them by living way out near the airport in a basement studio apartment he can only afford because their parents help with the rent. “And considering how he’s never in a relationship that lasts more than a few dates, Mom and Dad are going to be thrilled when I bring literally anyone home to meet them. Basically, all Theresa and I have to do is not be total fuckups and we’re golden.” Sources later reported that after receiving a text message from Dennis informing them he had been fired from his job at Walgreens, the two siblings immediately went downstairs to casually slip the information into a conversation with their parents.

Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home Without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys
(Article)

ROCKFORD, IL—Patting down his onesie with mounting concern, local 8-month-old Joshua McManus was reportedly overcome by a sharp, sinking feeling Monday upon realizing he had left home without his oversize multicolor plastic keys. “Oh, no—you have got to be kidding me,” McManus reportedly thought to himself, his stomach dropping as he wondered how he could possibly make it through the day without his large ring of blue, pink, yellow, and green keys. “Ah, for crying out loud. I got so wrapped up in that game of peekaboo with Dada before I headed out that I must have totally spaced on grabbing them. I bet they’re still sitting there on the activity table right next to my phone-on-wheels. I’m such an idiot.” At press time, a visibly frustrated McManus had vowed to himself that he would never leave the house again without making sure he had picked up his colorful set of keys and explicitly placed them in his mouth.

Study Finds Earth’s Animals One Giant Creature Before Breaking Apart Millions Of Years Ago
(Article)

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Offering insight into our planet’s ecological past, a study released Tuesday by researchers at Penn State University found that Earth’s animals were once a single giant creature before breaking apart roughly 175 million years ago. “After reviewing extensive fossil records, we determined that a massive ‘super-animal’ once roamed the planet, but began to fracture at some point during the Mesozoic era into separate life forms,” said lead researcher Gary Albright, noting that if one looks at certain species closely, it’s possible to see how, for example, the giraffe’s neck fits together with the hippopotamus’s underbelly, or the dolphin’s tail forms a perfect contour with the stingray’s back. “We believe this process started when tiny fissures began to form within the single mega-animal, leading to creatures breaking off and drifting away as smaller birds, mammals, amphibians, reptiles, and fish.” In a continuation of this process, Albright stated that over the next million years, internal rifting is projected to cleave the platypus into a species of duck and a fairly large rodent.

Chris Hemsworth Deputizes Hunk To Assume ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Duties In His Absence
(Article)

LOS ANGELES—In a solemn ceremony held Thursday alongside the infinity pool at his Malibu estate, actor Chris Hemsworth reportedly deputized well-regarded local hunk Troy Richardson to assume all “Sexiest Man Alive” duties in his absence. “I hereby entrust you with the full rights and responsibilities of the position anytime I am unavailable, including the authority to show off your rock-hard abs in a sizzling GQ spread and accept Teen Choice Awards in my stead,” Hemsworth said during the official swearing-in, which was attended by several fellow hard-bodied beefcakes and a notary public. “Now repeat after me: I vow to maintain the cut and definition of my pecs, keep my body fat to a minimum, and never fasten the top three buttons of any shirt I wear. Congratulations, Troy.” At press time, sources confirmed Hemsworth had returned to the set of Thor: Ragnarok and sent the newly deputized studmuffin to be photographed while emerging bare-chested from the surf.

SeaWorld Responds To California Drought By Draining Animal Tanks Halfway
(Article)

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to conserve water amid the state’s severe drought, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that the southern California marine park had drained all of its animal tanks halfway. “When facing a crisis this dire, everyone has a responsibility to make difficult sacrifices, which is why we at SeaWorld have decided to reduce the amount of water in all our whale, seal, and dolphin habitats by 50 percent,” said SeaWorld San Diego spokesperson Patricia Leeds, adding that the marine animals only needed a couple of inches of water to survive and that evaporation could be prevented by simply covering many of the creatures with tarps. “Our trainers are going to hook the orcas up to a winch and flip them over about once an hour to help their entire bodies stay moist. There’s still enough water in their enclosures, especially if the animals stay in one place like they’ve been doing.” Leeds added that implementing the new measures was not a problem for the company, as SeaWorld’s management had already been planning on making such a change to its animal habitats anyway.

Pathetic 4-Year-Old Needs Father To Stand On Merry-Go-Round Platform For Entire Ride
(Article)

SARATOGA, NY—Completely embarrassing himself in front of dozens of visitors to the park as well as his fellow riders, pathetic 4-year-old Jeremy Tufts reportedly needed his father to stand right next to him on the merry-go-round platform for the entire duration of the ride Wednesday. “It’s unbelievable that this kid can’t even handle just sitting there while the carousel spins around without having his goddamn dad at his side the whole time,” said onlooker Janet Henrich, watching with disgust as the pitiful youngster repeatedly looked over his shoulder to make sure his father was still nearby after the ride started in motion and the accompanying circus music began to play. “Just look at this idiot. It’s not like he’s riding a roller coaster or anything—it’s just a plastic horse that slowly goes up and down a little bit. The kid in front of him is doing fine by himself. God, what a little wimp.” At press time, Christ, here come the waterworks.

FDA Figures It Will Get Around To Regulating Supplements With Names Like Black Widow, Yellow Demon
(Article)

WASHINGTON—Saying that keeping an eye on the billion-dollar industry probably couldn’t hurt, the Food and Drug Administration reportedly figured aloud Thursday that sooner or later it would get around to regulating supplements with names like Black Widow and Yellow Demon. “I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea at some point to assess the safety of products like energy pills that have a highly venomous spider on the logo and promise to ‘give your system a jolt’ once we get a few things off our plate,” said FDA official Donald Reece, adding that when they had the time, the agency’s chemists should really give a quick once-over to currently unregulated dietary products featuring the words “carnage,” “napalm,” “or “Hemo-Rage” written on the package in bold, fluorescent letters. “Now that I think about it, it probably makes sense to do at least a cursory study on any substance that consists of wholly untested chemical compounds and 6,000 times the recommended daily allotment of certain rare minerals. And if the container has the letter ‘X’ formed by two intersecting lightning bolts or a grimacing skull with glowing eyes, that might be a good reason to inspect it one of these days.” Reece, who confirmed that the FDA intends to look into these products eventually, said that a high-profile teenage athlete overdosing on a bodybuilding supplement named something like Doomsday Assault could get the ball rolling a lot faster.

Pharmaceutical Rep Assures Doctor He Personally Tries Every Drug He Promotes
(Article)

NEW YORK—Saying he could vouch for the quality of every one of his company’s products, Eli Lilly pharmaceutical sales representative Geoffrey Klein reportedly assured a local primary care physician Thursday that he personally tries every single drug he promotes. “I’ve sampled each one of these, from the statins to the protease inhibitors, and I can honestly tell you that they’re all top-notch,” said Klein, adding that he only had positive things to say after trying out the osteoporosis medication Evista and the diabetes treatment Humulin. “Look, I popped a 100-milligram Seconal tablet a few hours ago before I came here, and I have to say, so far so good. And that one for pediatric growth disorders does a bang-up job. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.” At press time, Klein reportedly admitted that he had tried Bristol-Myers Squibb’s cancer drug Sprycel and was underwhelmed.

Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media
(Article)

GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media. “Crews are working around the clock to prevent information about the incident from spreading beyond the inside pages of newspapers and the final minutes of news programs,” said CEO Greg Armstrong, adding that the company deeply regretted that the crude spill had seeped into the news cycle and that it was devoting all its resources to stopping the slick from expanding into lead stories. “Our top priority is to do everything in our power to make sure this oil spill is restricted to a 30-second segment or 150-word article at most. Once it’s contained, we have specialized teams that can quickly and safely remove it from the news and limit any damage it could cause.” At press time, the company was scrambling to shut down the flow of oil-soaked pelican photos that was entering the mainstream media.

Vending Machine Most Up-To-Date Technology In School
(Article)

ST. LOUIS—Noting the modern interface and newly installed software, sources confirmed Tuesday that the vending machine in Kenwood High School’s cafeteria is the most up-to-date technology in the school. “This thing is great,” said 10th-grade Kenwood High student Charles Pilsen, referring to the school’s only touchscreen-enabled device, which also features a computer with a high-speed processor and wireless connectivity. “It’s so awesome to watch it suction up the snack and drop it down into the bin. The best part is you can pay with cash, a credit card, or a smartphone.” At press time, the vending machine was temporarily unavailable as a service technician performed routine maintenance to ensure that the device was functioning properly.

Study: Those Who Go To College Earn More Degrees Over Lifetime Than Those Who Do Not
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WASHINGTON—Confirming the conventional wisdom regarding the importance of college attendance in obtaining a diploma, a study published Monday by the National Education Association found that individuals who go to college earn more degrees over their lifetime than those who do not. “Our data suggests, quite convincingly, that those who pursue higher education invariably obtain more baccalaureates,” NEA researcher Denise Hallinan said, adding that the study’s findings cut across all socioeconomic brackets and applied to state and private schools equally. “And the degree acquisition gap only widens further once people go on to graduate school, with individuals at the Ph.D. level typically earning a full three more degrees than persons who did not attend college at all.” The study comes on the heels of a recent Labor Department report that found the nation’s best-paying jobs were dominated entirely by people who applied for them.

Man To Undergo Extensive Interrogation By Coworkers About Where He Got Falafel
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DENVER—Removing the Middle Eastern specialty from its paper carryout bag as he returned to his office desk, local insurance salesman Robert Devinshire reportedly braced himself Monday to undergo an extensive interrogation from his coworkers about where he got falafel. “Oh, God, before I even get to take one bite of this thing, I know [account managers] Ray [Gallo] and Liz [Farrell] will be over here grilling me, demanding to know the name and location of the restaurant,” said Devinshire, worried that the scent of warm, fried chickpea and tahini had already begun attracting colleagues from nearby cubicles, each of whom would soon bombard him with inquiries on whether the restaurant was new or if he grabbed a menu. “It’s only a matter of moments before they’re surrounding my desk, ordering me to tell them everything I know about how long the line was and cross-examining me about what other dishes were available. I better try to eat this thing quickly before the whole department shows up.” At press time, a chewing Devinshire was responding to an onslaught of questions about the sandwich’s taste, price, and contents with a series of muffled one-word answers and thumbs-ups.

Man Who Baked Banana Bread Spends Entire Party Anxiously Watching It Go Uneaten

OAK PARK, IL—Eyeing his contribution to the gathering’s potluck offerings with concern, local man Thomas Rafferty reportedly spent the duration of his coworker’s party Saturday anxiously watching his homemade banana bread go uneaten.

According to reports, Rafferty periodically checked up on the loaf of banana bread he brought to colleague Jessica Dowling’s party throughout the evening, repeatedly finding excuses to walk by the table of dessert and snack items and keeping the confection in his line of sight while socializing.

“God, it’s been over an hour—someone should have taken a piece by now,” said the man who set the banana bread on a plate some 75 minutes earlier, making sure to remove its plastic wrap covering in an effort to make the baked good as accessible and visually appealing as possible. “There must be 25 people here. What’s taking so long?”

“It’s sitting right there,” Rafferty continued. “Come on.”

Rafferty, who spent much of the party lingering in the kitchen near the varied assortment of treats, is said to have anxiously looked on when anyone approached the table, his mood swinging from a sense of hopeful optimism to disappointment and anxiety when guests ignored his banana bread and left with another food item.

Though Rafferty considered taking a piece for himself in order to “get the ball rolling,” he told reporters that he ultimately decided the move would reek of desperation.

After dozens of minutes of mounting aggravation, the 31-year-old reportedly surmised that his fellow guests’ indifference to his contribution to the party most likely stemmed from the fact that he had neglected to set out a knife, explaining to reporters that he was confident that, after he placed the utensil alongside the treat, guests would eagerly try the banana bread. However, half an hour later, a flustered Rafferty confirmed that the knife still had not been used to slice the bread.

Rafferty reportedly made a conscious effort halfway through the party to put the banana bread out of his mind and not let it affect him, though he eventually proved unable to resist glancing over at his homemade dessert while chatting with several guests, and only grew more exasperated upon noticing that the bread remained wholly intact.

“Of course everybody just loves that damn carrot cake with the cream cheese frosting,” said Rafferty, who nearly two hours after arriving, reportedly began second-guessing his recipe and his decision to make banana bread in the first place. “It probably looks bland compared to those lemon bars over there. God, I could have made oatmeal raisin cookies, but I just had to go with banana bread, didn’t I?”

“I knew I should have added chocolate chips,” Rafferty added. “Dammit.”

Growing increasingly agitated as the party wore on, Rafferty reportedly made an excuse at one point to visit the bathroom, stopping quickly along the way to relocate his banana bread to a more prominent position in the center of the table while pushing a popular tray of fudge brownies toward the back. Fifteen minutes later, however, Rafferty was said to be fuming again after checking up on the still-undisturbed banana bread and finding that someone had finished off the chocolate bundt cake.

“Why would anybody choose mini muffins that were obviously bought from a grocery store over a slice of freshly baked banana bread?” said Rafferty, sighing in apparent disgust. “Next time, I guess I’ll just bring some damn onion dip. Is that what they want?”

“[The party’s host] Jessica made a big deal about how tasty my banana bread looked when I first got here, but she still hasn’t taken a slice, even though I’ve seen her polish off three apple tartlets,” Rafferty added. “Fucking liar.”

Report: Whites More Likely To Be Named CEOs Than Equally Sociopathic Black Candidates

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Shedding light on the striking lack of diversity within the highest ranks of corporate America, a report from the Executive Leadership Council released Tuesday reveals that white individuals are far more likely to be named CEOs than equally sociopathic black candidates.

Despite widespread evidence that minority executives are just as misanthropic and unprincipled as their Caucasian peers, the study found that less than 1 percent of Fortune 500 companies have black chief executives, demonstrating that the upper levels of the business world frequently remain inaccessible to even the most morally bankrupt of African-Americans.

“Our data shows that when white megalomaniacs and black megalomaniacs contend for the highest corporate positions in the U.S., the latter are routinely passed over,” said the report’s lead author, Sandra Norwood, pointing to dozens of recent instances in which African-American individuals who had proven track records of undermining their colleagues’, employees’, and shareholders’ interests in order to further their own selfish ambitions were not even offered an interview for a company’s top seat. “Vindictive, unscrupulous blacks simply aren’t granted these leadership opportunities, despite possessing the same willingness to maximize short-term profit by eliminating health insurance benefits for part-time employees or commit accounting fraud in order to inflate the value of their personal stock options.”

“These are heartless sadists who have put in countless hours of backstabbing and forsaken all ethical constraints in order to bolster their own power, and yet time and time again they are denied a place at the top of the corporate ladder simply because of the color of their skin,” she continued.

According to the report, even when companies were presented with numerous highly qualified minority candidates with no moral compass and a history of increasing earnings by knowingly rushing an unsafe product to market or outsourcing thousands of manufacturing jobs to overseas sweatshops, the top-tier positions still tended to be awarded almost exclusively to deceitful, empathy-devoid whites.

In fact, the study found that, when presented with identical résumés of potential CEOs who had hid billions of dollars of revenue in offshore tax havens and poached several engineers from a rival business in order to illegally gain confidential trade secrets—one labeled with a common Caucasian name and the other with a traditionally African-American name—boards of directors were far more likely to select the applicant with the white-sounding name. Such findings suggest that many at the highest corporate level still hold inherent biases against amoral, power-hungry egotists of color.

“Even in 2015, many corporate boards will automatically discount a black candidate even if they have demonstrated that they are fully capable of using aggressive intimidation tactics to prevent their company’s workers from forming a labor union,” Norwood said. “Board members often are more comfortable working with lying, underhanded double-crossers who are similar to themselves. Therefore, the individual that they ultimately promote to CEO tends to come from the same cultural background that turned them into destructive, unrepentant monsters.”

According to sources, the dearth of black CEOs within corporate America has prompted a number of companies to institute personnel outreach programs to identify and cultivate malevolent young African-Americans who they believe have the potential to one day violate insider trading laws and initiate spurious patent lawsuits against smaller competitors in order to overwhelm them with legal fees and force them out of the industry.

However, after years of confronting the “glass ceiling” that prevents them from advancing as far as their white peers, many blindly ambitious blacks told reporters they are skeptical that these programs will have a meaningful impact on African-Americans who aspire to become CEOs so that they can immediately downsize as many low-level personnel as necessary to hit profit targets that trigger lucrative personal bonuses.

“When you’re black, you have to be twice as ruthless and deceptive just to reach the senior level, but then you can pretty much forget about ever having a shot at the corner office,” said William Coleman, the sole African-American vice president at a prominent Wall Street financial services group, who says he has yet to be recognized for allocating the risk of his firm’s portfolio of unstable derivatives investments entirely onto the municipal worker pension funds it administers. “My company just elected a white external candidate for our CEO role even after I successfully shifted the blame for a botched merger onto a fellow senior manager before personally firing him and claiming his successes as my own. It’s like they refuse to see how deeply predatory and full of hatred I am.”

“My race shouldn’t be a factor when I’ve proven that I’m a borderline psychopath who will step over anybody in my way to sate my fanatical lust for power,” he continued. “When it comes to succeeding in the business world, that’s all that should matter.”

When You Drive A Taxi, You See All Kinds Of Fares

I love being a cabbie. A lot of jobs are pretty much the same thing day in, day out, but in my line of work, every day brings something new. I’ve been in the business more than 20 years now, and I can tell you from experience that no two shifts are alike. What keeps it interesting? Well, when you drive a taxi for a living, you see all different types of fares.

Each time I get hailed or receive a call from dispatch telling me where to go for my next pickup, I have no idea what sort of fare I’m going to be dealing with. It could be a $5.20 or a $48.65. That feeling, that sense that anything can happen, is what makes this job so unique.

For instance, my first fare this morning barely broke the base rate of $2.50 plus applicable surcharges. That’s the kind of fare that only takes you three measly blocks. What a way to start the day! Usually it’s one of those $26 bridge-and-tunnel fares, or maybe just a completely average one in the $12.25 to $14.80 range. But fares have a way of surprising you when you least expect it.

I’ve handled some fares you wouldn’t believe. Like $9.85. This one time, over on the Upper East Side, I picked up a pregnant woman who suddenly went into labor right there in the backseat. You can imagine how that went: $9.85 plus tip, I kid you not. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.

Yup, $17.35, $72.50, $4.15—I’ve seen just about all of ’em.

I’ve dealt with so many $6.35s over the years it honestly doesn’t even faze me anymore. When I was first starting out, a fare like that would completely throw me for a loop, but after a while, you start to get desensitized to it.

As anyone who’s ever driven a taxi will tell you, the late-night fares are always the wildest ones. A few years back, this gorgeous brunette got into my car around 3 a.m., and the next thing I know, $13.10. Every cabbie has a few stories like that.

One time, a certain legendary Yankee shortstop hopped into my cab out of nowhere and said, “You gotta get me to the Bronx in 10 minutes or I’m gonna be late for the game!” That one was an even $20. Twenty bucks! I actually took a picture of myself with that fare at the end of the ride, which I know is a little tacky, but otherwise no one would have believed me.

I had two $7.80s in a row once. True story.

Most people aren’t cut out for dealing with so many unpredictable fares every night, but I have to tell you, I love it. I may have been at this for two decades, but I know there are still plenty of interesting fares waiting for me out there. I’ve always wanted to get a $5.55. They say you can drive for 30, 40 years and never see a $5.55.

Of course, not every fare is as exciting as an $83.35 with a 50-cent nighttime surcharge. And the standard $52 fares to JFK can get boring sometimes. But inevitably, just when you’ve resigned yourself to having a slow shift, that’s the moment you get a $7.05, a $13.45, a $26.15, an $18.40, another $13.45, a $9.30, a $32.60, maybe a $21.75, and it reminds you why you got into this kind of work in the first place.

After all, if I wanted to see the same kinds of fares every day, I’d drive a city bus.

World’s Frogs Unveil 5-Million-Year Plan To Move Up Food Chain

EARTH—Declaring that they had occupied a low-level rung in the global ecosystem for far too long, the world’s frogs revealed Thursday an ambitious 5-million-year plan to move up the food chain.

According to frogs, the long-term, multipronged strategy will include a series of dietary, cognitive, behavioral, and morphological adaptations designed to help them as they evolve to inhabit a higher place in the biosphere’s order of predation. Provided they adhere to the developmental benchmarks they set out and run into few obstacles, frogs said they ultimately envision themselves at a tier of the food chain on par with hawks and ocelots.

“We recognize that this is a major undertaking for our kind, but we believe we frogs are more than up to the challenge, and 5 million years from now, we are extremely confident that snakes will no longer be eating us—we’ll be eating them,” said a red-eyed tree frog, who spoke on behalf of all 4,800 unique species belonging to the taxonomic order Anura, explaining that their first course of action would be to double in size. “Right now, we prey on flies, moths, crickets, and maybe a worm here or there, but mostly just assorted bugs. We no longer consider this acceptable. Under our new plan, we see ourselves regularly consuming rodents, lizards, rabbits, and, if everything goes as anticipated, bats.”

“We recognize that such a diet will require pointed teeth as well as powerful jaws, and it is our intention to evolve these attributes on the fixed schedule we’ve laid out,” the frog continued. “As you can see on our timetable, we’ll start in on growing incisors in the near future.”

Noting that they’re “already pretty good at lunging,” frogs explained that the first phase of their plan, expected to take place over a 600,000-year period, will include a 400 percent increase in muscle mass, allowing them to leap high enough to take out small, low-flying songbirds and, eventually, ducks.

In addition, frogs have indicated that by the 2-million-year mark, they will make use of selective breeding to lengthen their rudimentary teeth into long, cobra-like fangs. This, along with the introduction of claws in their forelegs, will give them the opportunity to reverse the longstanding predator-prey relationships they’re currently engaged in with animals such as bass, shrews, otters, and turtles. The frogs’ timetable also includes an assessment of the claws after 2.6 million years to determine whether they should be made retractable.

While frogs confirmed their intention to continue capturing prey by shooting out their tongues, they expressed their desire to add some sharp barbs or a forked appearance to the appendage to give them the menacing appearance of “a true predator.”

“We haven’t decided whether we’re going to hunt in packs yet, but it’s certainly something we’re considering,” said a North American wood frog, describing how in the future, teams of frogs might stalk hoofed mammals through a forest, flush them out of their hiding places, and then pounce upon them all at once. “We saw wolves doing this kind of thing and thought, ‘Why not us?’ It’s ambitious, but we like our chances of pulling it off.”

“It goes without saying that we’ll first need to develop the capacity to rotate our heads from left to right, though,” it added.

The tailless, moist-bodied amphibian went on to confirm reports that any hunting initiatives conducted against much larger faunae would be led by members of the poison dart frog community.

Several frogs told reporters they were first inspired to rise up the ranks of the food chain by the shark, which they described as “the ultimate hunter-killer,” saying they eventually hope to establish a longer-term plan that would allow them to one day match the aquatic predator’s impressive speed of up to 30 miles per hour and its bite force of several hundred pounds per square inch.

While frogs stressed they currently harbor no intention of becoming apex predators, they pointed to one evolutionary advantage they believe could allow them to rise dramatically in nature’s pecking order.

“Being amphibious means we can go after prey on both land and water, and we really think that’s a trait we can leverage,” a Malayan horned frog said. “If a land mammal tries to escape from us into a river or pond, well, guess who has the upper hand in aquatic environments? Similarly, if a bunch of sea lions are sunning themselves on land, clambering around on their flippers, we can sneak up under cover of water, hop ashore, and rip them to pieces.”

“Frankly,” the frog continued, “we’ll be the perfect killing machines.”

At press time, billions of frogs around the world were reportedly sitting on lily pads and trying their hardest to grow razor-sharp talons.