With Trump Leaving, We Can Finally Stop Worrying About This Wolf

These past four years have been a stress-filled nightmare. As soon as Donald Trump took office, the world started to feel scarier and more dangerous. But thanks to the American people stepping up to vote in record numbers, we will never again have to think about the wolf that prowls our property and scratches up all our umbrellas. He’s gotten way more aggressive over time, and our mailman now refuses to deliver packages.

Our long national nightmare of having a wolf that somehow got our house key is over. No longer will a cocky wolf saunter in at dinnertime and steal the turkey off the table. He didn’t even eat it! He just didn’t want us to have it. Trump has clearly brought out something cruel and ugly in wild carnivores. My kids were reduced to eating creamed corn in a locked bathroom, and they had to share a spoon. But the people of this great country fought back with their ballots. They said no to wolves knocking over bottles of wine just to ruin the carpet.

It’s like we can breathe again.

Although this week was a good one for the country, we still have a long way to go. Despite four chaotic years of wolves jumping through our windshields and making us swerve into a fruit cart, forty-eight per cent of voters still chose Trump, which is worrisome and disturbing. It’s difficult to understand what would make someone want four more years of that. Do they like having to pull tufts of wolf fur out of their dashboards?

Trump’s inept mishandling of the wolf-wearing-my-son’s-clothes-and-pretending-to-be-my-son issue, as well as his complete ignorance of wolf history, was at the forefront of voters’ minds this year. Had this President stood up on Day One and told the American people not to stare down wolves, because they view eye contact as threatening, he would have cruised to reelection. But you can’t just ignore the biggest problem that the people of this nation are facing and expect them to support you. Wolves are dangerous, and we need to take their snarls seriously.

The Electoral College is another issue that needs to be dealt with. This byzantine system thwarts the will of the people to sleep in an honest-to-goodness bed instead of a protective metal barrel with a hole so that you can breathe. It hurts our democracy, and our knees, to cram ourselves into cylinders that heat up like a skillet when sunlight hits them.

The American people are sick and tired of barrel burns.

Election Night was a stressful one, to be sure. The uncertainty, the what-ifs, the howling. I think we can admit that we all drank too much and set up a Rube Goldberg machine to kick encroaching wolves with a boot.

But, that night, it felt like the boot was kicking us.

In the end, thankfully, everything worked out. Come January, we will have a President who cares about all Americans with wolf scratches that look infected. Here’s hoping that Joe Biden will step up, put on eight-ounce boxing gloves, and beat the snot out of this wolf, so that we can use our riding mower again.

God bless America.

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