When You’re Looking For The Very Best In Disposable Plastic Cutlery, One Of Our Competitors Is Probably The Way To Go

By Bob Callahan

As you may know, we here at Rumsen Food Service Industries specialize in manufacturing plastic utensils for single-use dining.  We have miraculously been in this business for well over thirty years, and in that time we have learned a few things.  Speaking as an individual, I know I would never settle for a product that was second best, and the same ethos should apply to our customers.  So, when you’re looking for the very best in disposable plastic cutlery, you would be wise to go with one of our competitors.

They are all better than us.

Nobody wants to have an important event in their life ruined by second-rate tablewear, and I can promise without hesitation that that is exactly what will happen should you decide to purchase your plastic cutlery from Rumsen. All the advance planning in the world isn’t going to mean a thing once those knife blades start shedding bits of plastic into your risotto.  You couldn’t do worse if you ate your dinner with twigs.  In fact, you’d be less likely to end up with macaroni sitting in your lap.

Take it from me, Bob Callahan.  Our products stink.

Dixie is just one of hundreds of rivals who make much better products than we are capable of.  I highly recommend going with them for your catering supply needs.  It’s a company that clearly has a lot of pride in what they produce, in stark contrast to the visceral self-loathing my colleagues and I feel for working in the absolute gutter of the cutlery industry.  Dixie’s plastic utensils are consistently well crafted and reliable.  Their fork’s high tensile strength ensures that it will be ready and able to handle whatever kind of meal you have on your plate. The tines of Rumsen’s signature fork on the other hand, will snap the second they sink into any food with a consistency harder than mushed carrots.

It’s a miracle the Better Business Bureau hasn’t come after us with both barrels.

Kirkland Signature also puts out a superior dinner set using the highest quality food grade cast polypropylene on the market.  I know for a fact that their spoons don’t transmit toxins into their customers’ soups when they use them.  Maybe one day Rumsen will be able to say that, although as of now, with the leadership of our rudderless company as flimsy as one of our medium weight teaspoons in direct sunlight, I’m not holding my breath.

You would have to be a bonehead to spend one penny with us.

There are so many companies that are better than us that it is hard to recommend just one.  Asda runs circles around us in terms of durability.  We can’t compete with the price of Birchwood’s value pack.  Tesco, John Lewis, Pirelli: all of them offer money back guarantees that can’t be touched by a bush league outfit like ours that unapologetically markets utensils that aren’t designed to withstand heat. Hope you like your chicken soup with a side of limp spoon.

Each batch of Rumsen forks contains a little more asbestos than the last. This is our promise to you. Sure, it costs more money to make our product so hazardous to the health of our customers. We strive to not only be pathetic from a manufacturing standpoint, but fiscally irresponsible too. I guess you could say we’ve always done things our own way here.

Our combo pack is an abomination.  After opening up our poorly designed packaging, or more precisely, after watching the box’s side flap split itself open like an anvil careening through tissue paper due to the cheap adhesive we purchase from our fly-by-night manufacturer out of Mumbai who doesn’t have a website, spilling inferior Rumsen brand utensils all over the floor, several of the spoons are sure to have misshapen or inverted bowls.  It is right then that you will know for certain you went with the wrong brand.

That’s the Rumsen guarantee.

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