Study: Dancing On Deceased Rival’s Urn Not As Satisfying

CHICAGO—A vengeance-maximization study published this week by researchers at Northwestern University found that dancing upon the urn of a hated rival feels significantly less satisfying than cutting a rug upon an adversary’s grave. “The results from our observational study indicated that dancing on the still-fresh dirt in front of a lifelong foe’s headstone consistently triggered intense feelings of elation across the board,” said head researcher Pauline Weist while reviewing video footage of a test subject exuberantly jitterbugging on the grave of a man who cuckolded him six years prior. “However, those very same moves performed while teetering precariously on a wobbling urn gave rise to negative reactions that reduced giddiness by up to 73%.” In one case, a respondent had to be treated for a twisted ankle after accidently wedging his shoe in one of the urn’s handles while attempting to perform John Travolta’s dance routine from ‘Pulp Fiction’.