Selected American Voices Jokes

Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’

“I didn’t realize the two restaurants even knew about each other.”

National Zoo Panda Cub Dies

“It’s heartbreaking to see an animal caged so briefly.”

Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal

“Helping people is what hacking into private online accounts and leaking personal information is all about.”

Viola Davis Celebrates Historic Emmy Win

“After a resounding speech like that, she is going to have her pick of the limited number of available roles!”

ISS Celebrates 15 Years Of Residency In Space

“I’m impressed by their commitment to the hoax.”

Diamonds Might Not Be As Rare As Once Thought

“Now I feel like a sucker for executing such an elaborate heist.”

Vatican Scandals Detailed In Tell-All Books

“It’s going to take a pretty big scandal to get me to read two books.”

SeaWorld To End Orca Shows In San Diego

“Great. Now I have to go all the way to Orlando to see widespread animal abuse.”

Organ Transplants Might Favor Wealthier Patients

“That’s okay. We’ll get the organs back when the revolution comes.”

Mascot Hijinks Cost University $123,000

“Yeah, but how pumped was that crowd?”

Report: 1 in 5 NYC Adults Suffers Mental Health Issues

“Not me. I’m just rude.”

NIH Retiring All Research Chimps

“Bullshit. They were fired.”

Police Took More From Citizens Than Burglars In 2014

“These numbers aren’t surprising, given that thieves have the added pressure of trying not to get caught.”

Astronaut To Run Marathon From Space

“I don’t envy the next guy who gets cornered by him at a space station gathering.”

Pizza Hut Partners With University For New Curriculum

“Right, like I’m going to entrust my son’s pizza education to the institution that brought us the P’Zone.”

Chinese Hackers Steal Top U.S. Weapons Designs 

“It’s actually kind of a compliment when you think about it.”

“Friends are supposed to share.”

Michelle Bachmann Leaving Congress

“I just hope Minnesota can find someone else as good as her.”

Chinese Buy America’s Largest Pork Producer

“Nothing says ‘I’ve made it’ like a mouthful of pig meat.”

4 In 10 U.S. Households Headed By Female Breadwinners

“I just wish my old lady would stop mentioning her salary during lovemaking.”

“All my lazy wife does is sit around the house being eight-and-a-half months pregnant.”

‘After Earth’ Bombs At Post Office

“But it has everything: an arrogant child actor being thrust on us by showbiz parents, M. Night Shyamalan, and Scientology.”

Supreme Court: Police Can Take DNA During Arrests

“I should get arrested with my son to see if he’s really mine.”

App Claims It Can ‘Cure’ Homosexuality In 60 Days

“But my wedding is in two weeks!”

Susan G. Komen Cancels Half Its Breast Cancer Races

“The rest of them will just have to run farther.”

George W. Bush’s Approval Rating Highest In 8 Years

“He really started growing on me when I stopped seeing and hearing him.”

Longest Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116

“Those last 30 years can’t have been fun.”

More White Americans Dying Than Being Born

“Our scarcity will only increase our value.”

Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction

“I’ve got the perfect spot for it next to Jerry Garcia’s finger.”

Nation’s Doctors Classify Obesity As Disease

“So the first lady has just been hassling a bunch of sick kids?”

Paula Deen Loses Endorsement Deal

“What do they need her for anyway? Ham sells itself.”

“Losing a ham endorsement deal after charges of racism—we’ve all been there.”

Texas Executes 500th Prisoner

“Now is the time for that executioner to ask for a raise.”

Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools

“I’m glad someone’s figured out how to say no to my kid.”

“What’s my kid supposed to do with his hands now?”

Less Than 1 In 4 Americans Trust Newspapers

“Well, we won’t have to worry about them much longer.”

“I don’t trust any publication with paper that flimsy.”

Study: Unpaid Internships Don’t Lead To Jobs

“Sure, it’s unpaid in terms of money, but that’s the end of my statement.”

“Shh! He’s right here.”

Justin Bieber Apologizes To Clinton For Insults

“I say all kinds of crazy stuff when I’m peeing in my bucket.”

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

“Is this about money?”

Rallies Against Zimmerman Verdict Held Across U.S. 

“I’m sure this would have blown over by now if they just let George Zimmerman show up at one of the rallies to tell his side.”

Top Mexican Drug Lord Captured

“Thank God the drug war is finally over.”

“I hope no one rises up to take his place.”

New Moon Discovered Orbiting Neptune

“Showalter’s done it again!”

CVS, 7-Eleven Ban ‘Rolling Stone’ Issue Featuring Tsarnaev

“He has kind eyes.”

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

“Eh. Hospitals, schools, firemen, police, trash collection, and road maintenance are overrated.”

Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah

“The Cretaceous period? Man, that brings me back.”

Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks

“‘Linked to’? What does that even mean?”

Study: Dolphins Call Each Other By Name

“Can’t dolphins just let us have this one thing?”

Amanda Bynes Hospitalized After Setting Fire

“It’s terrible to see someone entertain us like this.”

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Restart In D.C.

“It’s good to stay busy.”

Coffee Linked To Lower Suicide Risk

“If only Kurt Cobain would have sampled some of the fine blends Seattle has to offer.”

Global Warming Making People More Violent

“You’re really starting to piss me off.”

World’s First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted

“Food critics are always eating hamburgers in their ivory towers.”

George W. Bush Undergoes Heart Surgery

“Annual physical? Pardon me, Mr. Rockefeller.”

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

“This seems like as good a time as any for a coup.”

Scientists Create Microscopic ‘Mona Lisa’

“How much?”

Judge Rules Against NYC’s Stop-And-Frisk Policy

“This wouldn’t be an issue if everyone would just walk around with their pockets flipped inside out like I suggested at that town hall meeting.”

“Safety good.”

Bear Attacks Rise Sharply Across U.S.

“If a bear tries to swipe your pic-a-nic basket, just let him have it.”

Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000

“Thank God my womb is barren.”

NSA Scans 75% Of All U.S. Internet Traffic

“Fine with me. I’ve got nothing to hide, except a few things from my family.”

Bradley Manning Wants To Live As Woman

“That is one nutty broad.”

‘N Snyc Reunites At VMAs

“I wonder if they had a little huddle right before the performance.”

Panda Born At D.C.’s National Zoo

“What a lucky little captive.”

50th Anniversary Of ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech

“If people start being judged by the content of their character, I’m screwed.”

George Zimmerman Asks Florida To Pay His Legal Costs

“Shooting another unarmed black kid would probably get that bigot money flowing again.”

50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria

“Well, we have to bomb somebody.”

Men Just As Likely To Be Depressed As Women

“We did it!”

Study: Life On Earth May Have Started On Mars

“My annoying platitude about us all being immigrants is even truer than I knew.”

64-Year-Old Woman Swims From Cuba To Florida

“It just goes to show that if you don’t give up, you can swim really far for no discernible reason.”

Dennis Rodman Returns To North Korea

“Shouldn’t we be more focused on Syria? Assad could use a buddy, too.”

First Lady Urges Americans To Drink More Water

“The trick is to cut it with a little soda.”

Study: Men With Smaller Gonads Are Better Dads

“Hmm. I’ve only got one testicle, but it’s huge.”

HIV Outbreak Shuts Down Porn Industry

“I just hope those cock-starved coeds are able to find the sustenance they need.”

U.S. 17th Happiest Country In World

“Why would they conduct that study before the iPhone 5S came out?”

Iowa Issuing Gun Permits To The Blind

“Blind people are just as capable of tucking a gun in their waistband and lifting their shirt to expose the weapon meaningfully.”

Study: Yelling At Teens As Harmful As Hitting

“I can feel the power coursing through my veins.”

Lava Lamp Turns 50

“Today’s lamp-makers have completely lost the desire to entertain.”

Study: Holy Water Unsafe, Full Of Bacteria

“This just means some people will get to heaven faster.”

20% Of High School Seniors Binge Drink

“Yeah, but do they throw the empty beer cans insolently to the side?”

Food Allergies Cost U.S. $25 Billion A Year

“A life without peanuts is no life at all.”

Britney Spears To Have Own Las Vegas Show

“Does she owe money to the house?”

Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

“Now we can focus our contempt where it belongs: on the gluttons.”

‘Wizard Of Oz’ Rereleased In IMAX 3D

“It’s about time they fixed that piece of crap.”

Study: Life On Earth Has 1.75 Billion Years Left

“Is the moon going to be okay?”

15% Of U.S. Adults Don’t Go Online

“You mean all those slurs are coming from only 85 percent of the people?”

Airlines Made $27 Billion In Fees Last Year

“I once sat next to Mandy Patinkin on a flight to Chicago. You can’t put a price on that.”

20% Of Yelp Reviews Fake

“You mean that bistro on Lexington isn’t ‘good for eat food place’?”

Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’

“That doesn’t sound satisfrying at all.”

New York Adds Texting Zones To Highways

“The danger of crashing is what makes texting such a turn-on.”

Saudi Cleric: Driving Harms Women’s Ovaries

“Poor Danica Patrick.”

Reality TV Show To Send Winner To Space

“Can the winner stay there for good? There’s nothing for me down here.”

Doctor Creates Feces Pills To Treat Illness

“I don’t need the capsule. Just give me the feces.”

Tom Hanks Has Diabetes

“The Bosom Buddies guy?”

“Now I’ll look like a heartless jerk if I don’t go see Captain Phillips.”

U.S. Adults Below Average In Math, Literacy, Computers

“But how many different types of barbecue sauce do they have?”

Kuwait To Medically ‘Detect’ Gay Visitors, Expel Them

“That is some cutting-edge bigotry.”

NYC Restaurant Has Diners Eat In Silence

“But my wife has all these great stories about how her coworker Cheryl screwed her over!”

“The only reason I even go out to restaurants is for the chance to get to know a new waiter.”

Study: Behavioral Problems Linked To Irregular Bedtimes

“So I should stop waking my son up in the middle of the night when I get lonely?”

Elderly Woman Unknowingly Lived With 20,000 Bees

“Getting old is quite the adventure.”

Oreos As Addictive As Cocaine Among Rats

“I’ve done some things I’m not proud of to hitch a ride on the sweet zebra.”

“Just let me get a bite of that Double Stuf and I’ll say whatever you want.”

Moose Dying Off Across North America

“I knew moose couldn’t hack it.”

“Plenty more animals where that came from.”

“Did you know moose are great swimmers? Sorry, I just read a book.”

Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S.

“Destroying your body with drugs is a marathon, not a sprint.”

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

“This voodoo doll is more powerful than I ever could have imagined.”

“He didn’t deserve this. Maybe being struck with a lamp, but not this.”

New Book Claims Robert Kennedy Stole JFK’s Brain

“Oh, he probably just wanted to eat the brain and absorb its knowledge.”

“That’s how you win a sibling rivalry.”

Massive Asteroid Could Hit Earth In 2032

“Our catastrophically high sea levels will probably soften the blow.”

Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate

“The North Korean people must be so proud and hungry.”

U.S. Tapped Phones Of 35 World Leaders

“It must be nice to have someone care what you say.”

Scientists: At Least 8.8 Billion Habitable Planets In Galaxy

“I don’t want habitable, I want transcendent.”

Rand Paul Accused Of Plagiarizing Speech From Wikipedia

“I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

“Trying to slip a Gattaca quote by Maddow is a fool’s errand.”

Half Of U.S. Kids Use Smartphone Or Computer By Age 2

“What are they supposed to look at?”

“Once they come out of the womb, they’re not my problem anymore.”

Facebook Use Declining Among Teens

“Wherever my son goes to share information online, I’ll be right behind him three to six months later.”

Report: Yasser Arafat Poisoned With Polonium

“Using a high-quality poison like that is a sign of respect.”

“Maybe he drank some just to be a tough guy.”

FDA To Ban All Trans Fats

“Mouth sad.”

“But I like food that challenges my organs.”

Study: Women Less Likely To Climax During Casual Sex

“Luckily, I come enough for the both of us.”

China To Loosen One-Child Policy

“How romantic.”

Depression Accelerates Aging

“I had no idea Kirk Douglas was so depressed.”

Experts: Jellyfish Taking Over World’s Oceans

“Land is better anyway.”

Ohio Walmart Holds Food Drive For Own Workers

“It was nice of the company to provide the empty bins.”

‘Hip-Hop Conservative’ Congressman Caught With Cocaine

“Apology accepted.”

Canadian City Outlaws Doorknobs

“I think people should just stay in the room they’re in.”

Today’s Kids Take 1.5 Mins Longer To Run Mile Than ’80s Kids

“Being able to move your body just isn’t relevant to today’s kids.”

“The ‘80s were a special time filled with fast times and even faster kids.”

Train Safety Called Into Question

“All of this really makes you think. Technically, everything does.”

Amazon Testing Drone Delivery Service

“Thirty minutes is too long. I need my Duckman DVD now.”

Uruguay Legalizes Marijuana

“But how are they supposed to fill up their jails?”

“Is this one of those deals where I show up and someone steals my organs?”

Adults More Likely Than Teens To Use Phone While Driving

“Who else is going to call the numbers listed on the back of big rigs that are driving erratically?”

Polar Vortex’ Hits Nation With Record-Low Temperatures

“I can’t respect any vortex that doesn’t suck me into a new dimension.”

Ultra-HD “4K” Televisions Replacing 3D TVs In Stores

“I was just saying how the image on my crystal clear 60-inch, high-definition television isn’t sharp enough.”

Colorado Sees Boom In “Pot Tourism” After Legalization

“What a bunch of law-abiding losers.”

High Praise Makes Kids With Low Self-Esteem Feel Worse

“I prefer to make cryptic comments and let them take it however they want.”

Study: 80 Percent Of Super Bowl Ads Don’t Boost Sales

“Since when did commercials become all about selling things?”

Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products

“Food companies can take away my calories, but they can never take away the self-loathing that drives me to overeat.”

Flu Hitting Obese People Harder

“So that’s why Hardy was always sneezing while Laurel looked fine.”

Pope Francis Encourages Women To Breastfeed

“I hope none of the mothers accidentally bop their baby’s head while making the sign of the cross.”

9% Of Dog, Cat Owners Write Pets Into Their Wills

“Would my dog have to sign the contract with an adorable paw print?”

Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home

“That will teach him not to waste food.”

Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr To Perform At Grammys

“Wait, sirs are permitted to play with non-sirs?”

“Those two just love rubbing it in George and John’s faces that they’re still alive.”

President Curbing NSA Spying

“Finally, me and my terrorist buddies can get back to business.”

Study: Childless Couples Have Happier Marriages

“My parents did always tell me I was the source of their unhappiness.”

Obama: Pot No More Harmful Than Alcohol

“If the president of the United States thinks I should go get high in my truck, then so be it.”

“What kind of accurate message does that send to our kids?”

Drinking Diet Soda Linked To Eating More

“That’s perfect, because people need to eat food to live.”

Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco

“Ever since my cat died, I have been looking to get back out there and mingle.”

Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church

“They say as long as you have a person’s blood, they’re not really gone.”

‘Lean In’ To Be Made Into Movie

“This has ‘no nude scenes’ written all over it.”

“My daughter is way too empowered as it is.”

Sochi The Most Expensive Winter Olympics Ever

“You can’t put a price on a child’s smile.”

Study Finds There Are Only 4 Human Emotions

“That seems way more manageable.”

CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco

“Thank God Rite Aid doesn’t give a shit about me.”

FBI Offering $10,000 For Help In Curbing Laser Strikes

“No way. Do you have any idea what laser gangs do to snitches?”

“The Constitution clearly states that I can be as big a prick as I want.”

Study: Wives More Educated Than Husbands In U.S.

“If my wife ever develops the upper body strength to open difficult jars, I’m out on my ass.”

Nestlé Recalls Hot Pockets

“But will they still be selling some of the borderline ones in a bargain bin?”

Cats, Dogs May See Things Invisible To Human Eye

“Aw man, I wish I had the power to see more urine.”

World’s Most Wanted Drug Kingpin Captured

“When it comes to international criminals, America always gets its man after a decade or so.”

New Theme Park To Feature Model Of Noah’s Ark

“Finally, a theme park that shares my contempt for science.”

Pope Francis Drops F-Bomb During Vatican Blessing

“I like my popes a little bawdy.”

American Airlines Drops Bereavement Fares

“I have a hard time believing an airline would try to line their coffers at the expense of their customers.”

Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry

“Now how am I supposed to learn what female genitalia look like?”

Microsoft Ending Support For Windows XP

“You’ve got to take the training wheels off sometime.”

Edward Snowden Speaks At SXSW

“Ah man, I was hoping to see some up-and-coming whistleblowers.”

Colorado Earns $2 Million In Tax Revenue From Legal Pot

“Who knew selling drugs could be so lucrative?”

Keith Richards Writing Children’s Book

“All my favorite books are about musicians practicing.”

“I’m only interested if he slams Mick.”

Guinness Pulls Sponsorship Of St. Patrick’s Day Parade

“Darn. Nothing ruins a parade like having less advertising.”

“Is there at least enough time for a more homophobic brewing company to step in?”

Anti-Vaccine Movement Leads To Rise In Measles, Whooping Cough

“Any disease that was good enough for the greatest generation is good enough for my kid.”

Half Of Americans Believe In Medical Conspiracy Theories

“That’s ridiculous. Our government doesn’t care if we live or die.”

New Technology Creates Mug Shots From DNA

“Can they make me a new mug shot? I’ve always hated mine.”

Facebook Spends $2 Billion On Virtual Reality Company

“That Mark Zuckerberg really seems to be into technology.”

NASA Asks Public To Vote On New Spacesuit

“Are you sure they want us to decide? We’re idiots.”

‘Jeopardy’ Turns 50

“I knew that.”

Study: Popularity Can Raise Risk Of Being Bullied

“This is why I only wear my Oakley wraparound shades at home.”

Michael Jackson Album To Feature New Songs

“I’ll buy it as long as every song is as good as ‘Billie Jean.’”

“If you like music you should check out my band, Thrashing Souls.”

Report: U.S. Built Secret ‘Cuban Twitter’ To Stir Political Unrest

“I love it when we meddle.”

Spider Invasion Leads To Mazda Recall

“It’s nice to have company on long drives.”

Report Finds Steady Rise In Stay-At-Home Mothers

“Is that why I’m seeing so many pies cooling on windowsills these days?”

Americans Opting For Small Dogs Over Babies

“I prefer having both so they can compete for my affection.”

Beef Prices Highest In 27 Years

“Nobody tell the cows or they’ll start acting like dicks.”

Marijuana Vending Machine Unveiled In Colorado

“Nothing legitimizes medicine like selling it from a vending machine.”

“This sounds like something a stoned person came up with and a sober friend implemented.”

Google Glass Users Facing Verbal, Physical Attacks

“I hope the attackers were careful to punch around the eyewear.”

“People need to lighten up about being recorded every single moment of the day.”

Snacking May Help Minimize Spousal Conflict

“But most of our fights are about who ate all the snacks.”

Study: Casual Marijuana Use Can Still Cause Brain Abnormalities

“Eh. My brain was nothing special before.”

Nintendo Game Boy Turns 25

“Let’s just call it what it really was: a Tetris delivery system.”

“That was the golden age of gaming for me because two buttons is all I can cognitively handle.”

Government Approves Sale Of Powdered Alcohol

“Can they also make a powdered cheesesteak that I can inhale at 3 a.m.?”

Mattel Announces Barbie Movie

“Why would Hollywood be interested in a rail-thin blond they can easily manipulate?”

Florida School To Stop Giving Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests

“That’s bullshit. Mountain Dew is supposed to be given afterwards as a reward for doing well.”

George Clooney Engaged

“Good. He’s had enough.”

Teens Getting High Off Lip Balm In New ‘Beezin’ Trend

“If they can find something fun to do with lip balm, then more power to them.”

“They wouldn’t have to resort to lip balm if Visine made an eye drop with some balls.”

Fox Announces ‘Grease’ Live TV Musical For 2015

“I hope they don’t make the same mistake the movie did by adding all the singing.”

Facebook Announces “Anonymous Log-In” For Apps

“I don’t feel comfortable with other apps invading the privacy I already surrendered to Facebook.”

Report: ‘SkyMall’ Magazine May End Print Edition

“That’s okay. I still have dozens of back issues I haven’t gotten through.”

Astronaut To Deliver UConn Commencement Address From Space

“Clearly, a UConn education is out of this world!”

Drones Banned At Yosemite

“How are we supposed to enjoy the park if we aren’t even allowed to ruin it?”

Stephen Hawking: Artificial Intelligence Could Spell End For Mankind

“Fifty bucks says global warming kills us first.”

Supreme Court: Public Meetings Can Have Opening Prayer

“Whatever it takes to pack in those crowds.”

Study: Seeing Jesus In Toast ‘Perfectly Normal’

“For its own sake, I hope toast understands showing Muhammad is verboten.”

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

“I’m flattered that McDonald’s thinks I can handle this.”

Chipotle: Don’t Bring Guns Into Our Restaurants

“I wish Chipotle would just tell me which weapons we can bring.”

Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens

“Big mistake. Today’s teens still like things loud and smelly.”

“All I look for in a clothing store is good prices and a sword swallower.”

Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him

“I don’t have that kind of money, but I can toss in my Aviator 2 script, which will make 10 times that if done right.”

Nutella Turns 50

“It doesn’t taste a day over 30.”

Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim

“Rising sea levels will weed them out soon enough.”

“Can’t we just strap them to the other half who can?”

Company Unveils ‘Drinkable Sunscreen’

“Finally, a sunscreen I can drink without shame.”

Wife Throws Raw Meat At Casey Kasem’s Daughter

“The Bible’s meat-throwing passages were never meant to be taken literally.”

Study: 1 In 6 Public School Teachers Were ‘Chronically Absent’ Last Year

“This would be a major problem if our nation’s public schools didn’t have such high-quality substitute teachers.”

Report: More Couples Getting Social Media Prenups

“You can’t get any more legally precise than evaluating which pictures are good.”

“But we’re still allowed to embarrass ourselves on social media, right?”

Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub

“Never let it be said that Bieber’s PR people aren’t bringing new ideas to the table.”

Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition

“Sounds like a wonderful program, but if it drives up the price of drinks by even a single penny I’m going to throw a fucking fit.”

Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos

“Finally, a way to see some breasts on the internet.”

5-Star Resort For Dogs Opens In Spain

“Do they have a rickety shed out back where I can sleep?”

Starbucks Adding Grilled Cheese To Menu

“Aw, I always thought Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts were friends.”

Mysterious Portrait Discovered Beneath Picasso Painting

“Two paintings in one? What a deal!”

Facebook Bans Sale Of ISIS Clothing

“I would never buy clothing from a terrorist organization without trying it on first.”

Starbucks To Sell Handcrafted Sodas

“I don’t need to hear the particulars. Just get the sugar in my body.”

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

“Are they going to put the poop in a museum so freaks like me can come see it or not?”

‘The Lion King’ Turns 20

“My daughter used to have the biggest crush on Simba, until I explained he was just a series of still images manipulated to create the illusion of motion.”

Judge: Insane Clown Posse Juggalos Can Be Classified As Gang

“Who knew gangsters were so litigious?”

Marvel Announces Thor Will Now Be Represented As A Woman

“As long as the character is still white.”

KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy

“Their methods may be questionable, but their message is beyond reproach.”

“My kids know to only accept candy from tolerant strangers.”

NASA: Humans Will Find Aliens Within Next 20 Years

“Not good enough. I want a specific date.”

Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos

“Those agents have a lot of nerve doing exactly the same thing I would do.”

Facebook Testing Out ‘Buy’ Button

“If they want to compete with Amazon, they are going to have to get their purchasing process down to a half-click or less.”

Comic-Con Holding First Ever Transgender Panel

“Will transgender icon Stan Lee be there?”

Couples Battling For Trendy 12/13/14 Wedding Date

“My friends are going to be so jealous until they think about it a little longer.”

Wikipedia Bans Congress From Editing Pages

“The rest of us can still post bullshit though, right?”

New York Times Endorses Legalizing Marijuana

“They must have been so baked when they looked at the high incarceration rates for non-violent drug offenses.”

PETA Demands New Ending For Live-Action ‘Dumbo’

“Having to leave the circus would be a devastating blow to a natural performer like Dumbo.”

‘Pheromone Parties’ Help Singles Find Dates By Sniffing Each Other

“I’m happy to support any event that elevates the dating pool by pairing off freaks.”

China Bans Government Use Of Apple Products

“That’s ridiculous. We would never think of spying on China in that specific way.”

McDonald’s Testing 60-Second Drive-Thru Guarantee

“I sure hope they can stick to that time frame, because my misgivings about eating at McDonald’s usually kick in around the 75-second mark.”

NRA Removes ‘Guns For The Blind’ Video

“Great. Now a bunch of blind people are going to get assaulted.”

Study: Sex Education Should Start As Early As Age 10

“Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just teach one 10-year-old and let him spread the information at recess?”

Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries

“An apology for providing healthy options would go a long way toward restoring our trust in the brand.”

“I want the salads gone too.”

Study: Meerkats Have Dark, Sinister Side

“Like the brooding anti-heroes of cable television, we don’t have to condone their actions to be compelled by them.”

MTV Airs Ferguson Public Service Announcement During VMA Awards

“Good on MTV for doing its part to reduce the negative stereotypes it promotes.”

Pediatricians: School Should Start Later For Teens So They Can Sleep

“But sleepy students are way easier to indoctrinate.”

“No way. It’s crucial to give teenagers the skills they need to slog through life half-asleep.”

Arby’s Offering Secret ‘Meat Mountain’ Sandwich For Those Who Ask

“Trust me, when they see my physique, they won’t need me to ask.”

New ‘Smart Polo’ Detects Wearer’s Stress Levels

“It’s about time someone created a shirt I’m afraid will electrocute me when it rains.”

Study: Liberals, Conservatives Smell Different

“I smell fiscally conservative, but I also have a liberal aroma on social issues.”

Urban Outfitters Apologizes For Red-Stained Kent State Sweatshirt

“To be fair, it will only be offensive to Americans who have the slightest grasp of American history.”

Facebook Tests ‘Self-Destructing Posts’ Feature

“This is the next best thing to never having to see them in the first place.”

Study: Action Movies Make People Eat More

“Gotta do something while we wait for the explosions.”

Russian Mating Geckos Didn’t Survive Trip To Space

“At least they died doing what we loved subjecting them to.”

Family Dinners Can Counteract Effects Of Cyberbullying

“Shouldn’t it be the bully who gets punished?”

Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing

“I prefer the human interaction of disappointing a flesh-and-blood salesperson who was counting on a commission.”

400,000 Protesters Turn Out For People’s Climate March In NYC

“Good. It’s about time the American people took action on my behalf.”

Pop-Tarts Turn 50

“Their particular mélange of chemicals seems to have struck a chord.”

Alaska Reporter Quits On Air To Become Cannabis Campaigner 

“Well, somebody has to stand up for what’s fun.”

George Clooney Gets Married

“It was getting pretty sad watching him bed a series of beautiful, interesting women.”

New ‘Anti-Facebook’ Social Network Ello Boasts Lack Of Ads

“I think the internet is ready for a new website.”

‘Food-Shaming’ Fork Vibrates When Users Don’t Pause Between Bites

“I’ll just buy two so I can switch back and forth.”

Louisiana Restaurant Offering 10% Discount To Diners Carrying Guns

“I’m the one carrying the gun, so I’ll decide how much the discount is.”

WWF: World Lost Half Its Wildlife Over Last 40 Years

“I concede we’re not the easiest species to live with.”

J.K. Rowling Not Writing New ‘Harry Potter’ Book

“But I want it.”

Study: Teens Sexting Before Engaging In Sexual Activity

“Yeah, teenagers need to start fucking sooner.”

White House Removes Emojis From Millennials Report

“This is the least of the ways Obama has let millennials down.”

Flight Attendants Sue FAA To Reinstate Cell Phone Ban

“I’m willing to turn my phone off, but don’t you ever ask me to stop holding it.”

Funeral Home Offering Drive-Thru Open Casket Lane

“I’ll be sure to turn down the tunes out of respect.”

Toys ‘R’ Us Pulls ‘Breaking Bad’ Action Figures From Shelves

“Action figures should stick to making my son want to join the army.”

“That’s okay. My little guy hated the finale.”

Dogs Catch White House Fence Jumper

“I never doubted the dogs’ competence.”

Anti-Vaxxer Group: Staple Vaccine Warnings To Halloween Candy

“Medical advice always seems more legitimate when stapled to a box of Milk Duds.”

Pope Francis: Evolution Is Not Inconsistent With God

“Finally, someone with the deep science background to set us straight.”

Town Bans Clown Costumes After Wave Of Terror

“But the town’s fear has provided laughter to so many others.”

Study: Women With More Children Are More Productive At Work

“I knew I made the right decision by denying my female employees access to contraception.”

Oxford Names ‘Vape’ Word Of The Year

“Can’t they wait until I learn all the words that already exist before adding new ones?”

McConnell Promises To ‘Restore Hope, Confidence, And Optimism’ In Senate Takeover

“That’s the sense I got from that avalanche of hateful attack ads they aired over the last several months.”

NBC, Netflix Cancel Bill Cosby’s Return To TV Amid Rape Allegations

“Whenever you’re on top, 15 women will always try to take you down with frighteningly similar tales of sexual assault.”

Study: Women In Power More Prone To Depression

“I keep trying to tell women that glass ceiling is there for their own good.”

Study: Majority Of College Students Don’t Graduate On Time

“I find a secondary education is best when savored for six to eight years.”

Women Growing Out, Dyeing Armpit Hair In New Trend

“It’s about time the world caught up with my fetish.”

CDC: This Year’s Flu Vaccine Might Not Work

“Thanks for ruining my placebo effect.”

Furry Convention Attacked By Chlorine Powder Bomb

“Did anyone have a motive to harm them besides their parents?”

“I did what I thought was right.”

Obama Proposes Free Community College For Those ‘Willing To Work’

“Be careful. They always get you on the meal plans.”

New ‘Imaginary Meal’ Pill Tricks Body Into Losing Weight

“Is there some way to trick my body into thinking I took the pill?”

MTV Airing In Black And White On MLK Jr. Day To Spark Conversations On Race

“Hopefully once MTV finishes addressing racism, it can get back to showing the sexism.”

Jewish Orthodox Newspaper Edits Women Out Of Unity March

“That’s horrible. Photoshop should only be used to plump the breasts and trim the thighs.”

Study: Men Who Post Selfies More Likely To Be Narcissists, Psychopaths

“I’ll say whatever you want as long as you show my picture.”

Obama Absent At Paris Anti-Terrorism Rally

“You’re either with the terrorists, against them, or busy.”

New Hampshire Lottery Releases Bacon-Scented Scratch-Off Ticket

“It’s fine if they want to scrap the lottery ticket angle. I’m happy to just buy bacon-scented rectangles.”

Koch Brothers To Spend Historic $889 Million On 2016 Elections

“Man, I wish I had a brother to buy elections with.”

Taiwan Building Sex-Themed Amusement Park Called ‘Romantic Boulevard’

“Nothing gets me hotter than waiting in line.”

Vatican Replaces Doves With Balloons As Symbol Of Peace

“Sometimes I think religious people are just making the rules up as they go along.”

U.K. To Allow 3-Parent Babies

“I’m fine with this as long as the kids are clearly labeled.”

WWE Accused Of Paying Female Wrestlers Less

“The time has come for our society to chokeslam the wage gap.”

Joan Rivers Excluded From Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment  (300)

“Sometimes tough choices have to be made in order to keep the show at a tight 4.5 hours.”

Oklahoma Votes To Ban AP U.S. History

“I’ve always thought history classes should be taught à la carte.”

Study: Dogs Can Read Happy, Angry Faces

“It’s not like they have the best poker faces either.”

Report: Charles Manson’s Fiancée Was Using Him For Corpse

“Does this mean his corpse is still up for grabs?”

Study: Singles Who Use Emojis Have More Sex

“Thank god. Writing down my thoughts can only work against me.”

Superman Gets New Power, ‘Solar Flare’

“Okay, we get it. He’s special.”

Study Links Binge-Watching TV To Depression

“If this is some kind of ploy to get me to read, it’s not going to work.”

McDonald’s Debuts Big Mac Clothing Line

“I’m already wearing their sauce on most of my shirts.”

Report: Students Had To Attend Ted Cruz Rally Or Face Fine

“I’d pay $10 to not have to listen to Ted Cruz.”

Guinness To Start Offering Calorie Counts

“All I need to know is how many of the calories stay inside me after I throw up.”

SXSW Speaker: Silicon Valley Bubble Poised To Burst

“Someone’s not getting invited back to South by next year.”

Report: Coca-Cola Paid Experts To Say Soda Is A Healthy Snack

“You can’t just expect experts to destroy their credibility for free.”

Study: Men Who Are Nice To Women May Be ‘Benevolent Sexists’

“I think it would be best at this point if men and women simply went their separate ways.”

Photographer Sparks Backlash For Wrapping Baby In American Flag

“That baby’s first words better be an apology.”

Report: Texas Down To Last Lethal Injection Dose

“The crime rate must be going through the roof over there now that criminals know they’ll just waste away in jail.”

Burger King Quietly Drops Soda From Kids’ Menu

“This has the first lady’s fingerprints all over it.”

Study: Parents Cause Narcissism In Children

“This reminds me of a study about me.”

Study: 15% Of Boston Toddlers Drink Coffee

“Kids are adults capable of making their own decisions.”

Study: Female Orcas Take On Leadership Roles After Menopause

“Somebody in the ocean has to step up.”

Spanish Bar Only Hires Employees Over 50

“Fine, but no dudes.”

McDonald’s Raising Wages 10% To Attract Better Workers

“With a raise that big, I’m worried that the new workers will be too good.”

Karl Lagerfeld’s Cat Made $3 Million Last Year From Modeling Gigs (#322)

“I just hope that cat is saving its money, because modeling careers don’t last forever.”

NYC Tourists Incite Outrage By Taking ‘Selfies’ At East Village Blast Site

“It’s unfair to condemn those people before seeing how the pictures turned out.”

Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around

“Hot guys, gambling, and chicks: This study has it all!”

Conservative Group: Gay Marriage Will Lead To 900,000 Abortions

“Come on, no way it results in more than 635,000 abortions.”

Report: Chris Christie Spent $300K From Expense Account On Food, Drinks

“You can’t expect him to eat thousands of dollars’ worth of food without some drinks to wash it down.”

Study: Kids Perform Better When Schools Ban Cell Phones

“If I’m going to spend that much money on my kid’s iPhone 6, I expect him to flaunt it.”

“Good luck. The last time I tried to take away my daughter’s cell phone, she bit me deep.”

Middle School Teacher Arrested For Allowing Students To Have Sex In Classroom

“I respect any teacher who is willing to pay for materials out of pocket.”

SkyMall Announces Return Of Print Edition To Planes

“Looks like my campaign of nonviolent resistance worked.”

Survey: 1 In 4 Harvard Seniors Didn’t Have Sex During College

“Yeah, but what percentage didn’t make love?”

Report: George W. Bush Offered To Officiate Gay Wedding In 2013

“Look who’s trying to worm his way back onto the right side of history.”

Swedish Fathers Likely To Get 3 Months Paid Paternity Leave

“How are the babies supposed to bond with a nanny when the parents are around all the time?”

Study: Chimps Have The Mental Ability To Cook Food

“All of history’s greatest chefs have been primates.”

Report: Asian Ivy League Applicants Coached To Be ‘Less Asian’

“It’s important to eventually be yourself.”

Seattle Installing Ping-Pong Tables In Public Parks To Deter Crime

“I get pretty violent when I lose.”

Kellogg’s Launching ‘Netflix For Snacks’ Subscription Service

“I like the concept, but the word ‘healthy’ is a huge red flag.”

Banking Tech Firm Develops Software That Lets Customers Use Emojis As Passwords

“I’d rather just have my money stolen.”

Couple Threatens To Divorce If Gay Marriage Legalized

“That’s too bad. I thought those two hateful kids were going to make it.”

Gmail Unveils ‘Unsend’ Option

“The churlish tone of my emails is no accident.”

Taylor Swift Delivers Fans’ Pregnancy News

“Taylor is really going to have egg on her face if they decide not to go through with it.”

“Is she available on the 12th to deliver a summons?”

Report: Donald Trump Paid Background Actors $50 To Cheer Him At Rally

“You’ve got to pay your dues if you want to land acting gigs with viable candidates.”

FDA Gives Food Corporations 3 Years To Eliminate Trans Fats

“No problem. I’ve got enough stored in my arteries to last me a decade at least.”

Banking Tech Firm Develops Software That Lets Customers Use Emojis As Passwords

“I’d rather just have my money stolen.”

Researchers: People Age At Different Rates

“My body is falling apart right on schedule.”

Russian Police Advocate Safe Selfies

“If you’re not ready to risk bodily harm for your selfies, then get out of the game.”

Heroin Use On Rise In U.S.

“Not to brag, but I’ve been addicted to heroin since the ’80s.”

Large Scale Government Breach Affects 21 Million

“Hackers should have to purchase our personal information from social media companies like everybody else.”

CDC: Cuddling Chickens Leads To Salmonella

“Love makes you do crazy things.”

Walmart Announces Sales To Rival Amazon Prime Day

“I hate it when corporations fight.”

Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’

“I didn’t realize the two restaurants even knew about each other.”

National Zoo Panda Cub Dies

“It’s heartbreaking to see an animal caged so briefly.”

Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal

“Helping people is what hacking into private online accounts and leaking personal information is all about.”

Viola Davis Celebrates Historic Emmy Win

“After a resounding speech like that, she is going to have her pick of the limited number of available roles!”

ISS Celebrates 15 Years Of Residency In Space

“I’m impressed by their commitment to the hoax.”

Diamonds Might Not Be As Rare As Once Thought

“Now I feel like a sucker for executing such an elaborate heist.”

Vatican Scandals Detailed In Tell-All Books

“It’s going to take a pretty big scandal to get me to read two books.”

SeaWorld To End Orca Shows In San Diego

“Great. Now I have to go all the way to Orlando to see widespread animal abuse.”

Organ Transplants Might Favor Wealthier Patients

“That’s okay. We’ll get the organs back when the revolution comes.”

Mascot Hijinks Cost University $123,000

“Yeah, but how pumped was that crowd?”

Report: 1 in 5 NYC Adults Suffers Mental Health Issues

“Not me. I’m just rude.”

NIH Retiring All Research Chimps

“Bullshit. They were fired.”

Police Took More From Citizens Than Burglars In 2014

“These numbers aren’t surprising, given that thieves have the added pressure of trying not to get caught.”

Astronaut To Run Marathon From Space

“I don’t envy the next guy who gets cornered by him at a space station gathering.”

Pizza Hut Partners With University For New Curriculum

“Right, like I’m going to entrust my son’s pizza education to the institution that brought us the P’Zone.”

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