Sample Real Time With Bill Maher   “New Rules”

New Rule: If you own a selfie stick, you have to let your doctor use it to perform your colonoscopy. Either way, an asshole is holding it.

 

New Rule: Stop making light-up sneakers in adult sizes. If you’re older than 6 and have shoes with light bulbs in them, we get to drape you over our Christmas tree.

 

New Rule: The kid who breaks the piñata should get all the candy. Why should he do all the work, only to have others get rich in Starbursts off his labor? I tell you, the working child always gets the shaft in this country.

 

New rule: You aren’t allowed to masturbate to fake nude celebrity photos. That’s a dishonest orgasm, and you know it. At the very least, the sock you came into should have an asterisk.

 

New Rule: Sidewalk solicitors: don’t even tell me what progressive cause you’re working for, because it will only turn me against it. The other day, one of these annoying fuckers accosted me about gay rights, and by the end of the conversation, I was cutting a check to Kim Davis.

 

New Rule: If you get a swastika tattoo, it has to be on a visible part of your body. Frankly, that’s information I’d like to know before I hire you to watch my niece.

 

New Rule: Weathermen need to stop putting sunglasses on the sun icons in their forecasts. It makes the sun look like a cocky prick.

 

New rule: Stop putting little cellophane windows on pasta boxes. We know what pasta looks like: pasta. And besides, it’s cruel to the linguine to show it what freedom looks like before tossing it in boiling water.

 

New Rule: Someone has to make a hit song about thighs. Breasts have “Brick House.” Asses got “I Like Big Butts.” But thighs get nothing. When it comes to objectifying women, it’s important to use every part of the hoe.

 

New Rule: No more mannequins with shit-eating grins on their faces. No one should be that happy about their pants unless they’re being taken off by Margot Robbie. Now pipe down before we beat you with your own leg.