Sample Of Published Onion Headlines



Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music


String Of Poorly Received Performances Force Sock Puppet To Return To Foot


After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality


OE: This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations (By Barack Obama)


Arby’s Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Come Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef


Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New Calvin & Hobbes Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite


Neighbor’s Housefire Kind Of Beautiful Actually


Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion


Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else


Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose


Utterance Of Secret Password Grants Customer Access To Long Rumored 18-Inch Subway Sandwich


Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Probation


Father Assures Frightened Son Monster Under Bed Has Been Dead For Weeks


Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming


Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn’t Possible, Demand Heath Ledger ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Appearance


Report: Everyone In Outlet Mall Limping


Barry Pepper Getting By


Tweet Skimmed


OE: Well, I Guess I’ll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation


Bear Emerges From Hibernation Refreshed And Ready To Kill


Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door


Popular Kid’s Signature Forged On Cast


Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock


Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back


Man Has Nothing Non-Edible To Live For


Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’


Pork Pulled Beyond Recognition


Economic Thrill Seeker Likes To Live On Edge Of Poverty


Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots


Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar


Same Slide Whistle That Saddened Man Cheers Him Right Back Up


Engine Harmonized With


Blindfold Won’t Matter Soon


Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor


Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are


Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed


Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful


Old Guy At Hostel Down To Party


Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures


Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed


Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter


Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial


OE: I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same


Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission


Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation


Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class


Longtime ‘Walking Dead’ Viewer Insulted By Implication He Needs Recap Of Previous Week’s Episode


Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check


Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In


Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card


MAG: Our Accountant Said We Could Write Off This Dehumidifier If We Put It On The Cover


MAG: Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity


Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children


Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility


Neil Patrick Harris Reminds Oscar Winners To Tip Their Presenters


Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy


‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face


Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country


Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party


Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency


Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs


Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month


Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification


Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son


FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down


Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended


‘Elle’ Magazine Accidentally Airbrushes Naomi Watts Out Of Cover Altogether


Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer


Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected


Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates


MAG: Due To A Scheduling Error, We Sit Down With The Cast Of ‘Empire’ And Mitch McConnell


Bestselling Novel To Be Adapted Into More Money


Funeral Home To Cremate Other Half Of Body Once Check Clears


Third Sneeze By Far Worst One In Trilogy


Bris Attendees Not Sure If They’re Supposed To Clap


‘Gammy’ To Some, ‘Nana’ To Others: A Grandmother’s Story


Recipe On Back Of Pasta Box Pretty Specific About What Brand Of Linguine Should Be Used


Blind Taste Test Participants Keep Knocking Over Sodas


Weird Coworker’s iTunes Library Full Of Speeches

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