Sample Of Published Onion Headlines

 

 

Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

 

String Of Poorly Received Performances Force Sock Puppet To Return To Foot

 

After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality

 

OE: This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations (By Barack Obama)

 

Arby’s Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Come Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

 

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New Calvin & Hobbes Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite

 

Neighbor’s Housefire Kind Of Beautiful Actually

 

Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion

 

Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else

 

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

 

Utterance Of Secret Password Grants Customer Access To Long Rumored 18-Inch Subway Sandwich

 

Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Probation

 

Father Assures Frightened Son Monster Under Bed Has Been Dead For Weeks

 

Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming

 

Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn’t Possible, Demand Heath Ledger ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Appearance

 

Report: Everyone In Outlet Mall Limping

 

Barry Pepper Getting By

 

Tweet Skimmed

 

OE: Well, I Guess I’ll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation

 

Bear Emerges From Hibernation Refreshed And Ready To Kill

 

Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door

 

Popular Kid’s Signature Forged On Cast

 

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

 

Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back

 

Man Has Nothing Non-Edible To Live For

 

Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

 

Pork Pulled Beyond Recognition

 

Economic Thrill Seeker Likes To Live On Edge Of Poverty

 

Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots

 

Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar

 

Same Slide Whistle That Saddened Man Cheers Him Right Back Up

 

Engine Harmonized With

 

Blindfold Won’t Matter Soon

 

Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

 

Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are

 

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed

 

Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful

 

Old Guy At Hostel Down To Party

 

Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures

 

Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed

 

Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter

 

Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial

 

OE: I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same

 

Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission

 

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

 

Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class

 

Longtime ‘Walking Dead’ Viewer Insulted By Implication He Needs Recap Of Previous Week’s Episode

 

Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check

 

Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In

 

Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card

 

MAG: Our Accountant Said We Could Write Off This Dehumidifier If We Put It On The Cover

 

MAG: Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity

 

Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children

 

Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility

 

Neil Patrick Harris Reminds Oscar Winners To Tip Their Presenters

 

Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy

 

‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face

 

Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country

 

Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

 

Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency

 

Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs

 

Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month

 

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

 

Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son

 

FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down

 

Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended

 

‘Elle’ Magazine Accidentally Airbrushes Naomi Watts Out Of Cover Altogether

 

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

 

Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected

 

Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates

 

MAG: Due To A Scheduling Error, We Sit Down With The Cast Of ‘Empire’ And Mitch McConnell

 

Bestselling Novel To Be Adapted Into More Money

 

Funeral Home To Cremate Other Half Of Body Once Check Clears

 

Third Sneeze By Far Worst One In Trilogy

 

Bris Attendees Not Sure If They’re Supposed To Clap

 

‘Gammy’ To Some, ‘Nana’ To Others: A Grandmother’s Story

 

Recipe On Back Of Pasta Box Pretty Specific About What Brand Of Linguine Should Be Used

 

Blind Taste Test Participants Keep Knocking Over Sodas

 

Weird Coworker’s iTunes Library Full Of Speeches