SAMPLE OF PUBLISHED ONION HEADLINES:
Commute Always First Worst Part Of Man’s Day
9-Year-Old Sad That Father’s iPad Moving Out
Ejaculate Location Approval Granted
Cloaked Man On White Steed Sick Of People Asking Him For Tidings From The North
Neckless Brute Hawks Creatine
Park Shelter Good A Place As Any To Be Deflowered
Man Not Sure If He’s Tying Condom Correctly
Brief Viewing Of BET Ushers Caucasian Into Alternate World Of African-American Advertisements
Purity Ring Powerless Against Cody
MAG: Skate-Shoving: The Dangerous Teen Trend We’re Trying To Get Going
Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down
Asshole Taking Up Two Plots
Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?
Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns
Anus An Outie
Woman Angrily Un-Synchronizes Period With Friend After Falling Out
Lackluster Dance Craze Only Sweeps 9 States
New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch
Victoria’s Secret Introduces Sexy Push-Left Bras
Irresponsible Slow Jam Fails To Mention Dental Dams
Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television
Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him
Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music
String Of Poorly Received Performances Force Sock Puppet To Return To Foot
After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality
OE: This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations (By Barack Obama)
Arby’s Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Come Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef
Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New Calvin & Hobbes Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite
Neighbor’s Housefire Kind Of Beautiful Actually
Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion
Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else
Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose
Utterance Of Secret Password Grants Customer Access To Long Rumored 18-Inch Subway Sandwich
Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Probation
Father Assures Frightened Son Monster Under Bed Has Been Dead For Weeks
Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming
Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn’t Possible, Demand Heath Ledger ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Appearance
Report: Everyone In Outlet Mall Limping
Barry Pepper Getting By
Tweet Skimmed
OE: Well, I Guess I’ll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation
Bear Emerges From Hibernation Refreshed And Ready To Kill
Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door
Popular Kid’s Signature Forged On Cast
Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock
Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back
Man Has Nothing Non-Edible To Live For
Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’
Pork Pulled Beyond Recognition
Economic Thrill Seeker Likes To Live On Edge Of Poverty
Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots
Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar
Same Slide Whistle That Saddened Man Cheers Him Right Back Up
Engine Harmonized With
Blindfold Won’t Matter Soon
Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor
Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are
Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed
Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful
Old Guy At Hostel Down To Party
Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures
Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed
Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter
Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial
OE: I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same
Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission
Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation
Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class
Longtime ‘Walking Dead’ Viewer Insulted By Implication He Needs Recap Of Previous Week’s Episode
Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check
Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In
Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card
MAG: Our Accountant Said We Could Write Off This Dehumidifier If We Put It On The Cover
MAG: Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity
Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children
Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility
Neil Patrick Harris Reminds Oscar Winners To Tip Their Presenters
Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy
‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face
Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country
Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party
Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency
Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs
Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month
Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification
Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son
FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down
Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended
‘Elle’ Magazine Accidentally Airbrushes Naomi Watts Out Of Cover Altogether
Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer
Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected
Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates
MAG: Due To A Scheduling Error, We Sit Down With The Cast Of ‘Empire’ And Mitch McConnell
Bestselling Novel To Be Adapted Into More Money
Funeral Home To Cremate Other Half Of Body Once Check Clears
Third Sneeze By Far Worst One In Trilogy
Bris Attendees Not Sure If They’re Supposed To Clap
‘Gammy’ To Some, ‘Nana’ To Others: A Grandmother’s Story
Recipe On Back Of Pasta Box Pretty Specific About What Brand Of Linguine Should Be Used
Blind Taste Test Participants Keep Knocking Over Sodas
Weird Coworker’s iTunes Library Full Of Speeches
Passenger Ruins Perfectly Good Windshield By Flying Through It
MAG: Our 25th Annual Most Dressed Issue
Child’s Prayer Just Rehashed Christmas List
Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns
FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy
Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin
Cashier Given Clearance To Put Receipt In The Bag
Decadent Autobiography Includes 2 Photo Insert Sections
Hurled X-Box Controller Sheepishly Retrieved
Man Always Gets Little Rush Out Of Telling People John Lennon Beat Wife
Pedestrian Really Milking Right Of Way
New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System
Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting
American Dental Association Recommends Teeth
Grizzled Band-Aid Weathers Third Shower
Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee
Other Stall Even Worse