SAMPLE OF PUBLISHED ONION HEADLINES:

Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down

Asshole Taking Up Two Plots

Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?

Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns

Anus An Outie

Woman Angrily Un-Synchronizes Period With Friend After Falling Out

Lackluster Dance Craze Only Sweeps 9 States

New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch

Victoria’s Secret Introduces Sexy Push-Left Bras

Irresponsible Slow Jam Fails To Mention Dental Dams

Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television

Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him

Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

String Of Poorly Received Performances Force Sock Puppet To Return To Foot

After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality

OE: This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations (By Barack Obama)

Arby’s Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Come Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New Calvin & Hobbes Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite

Neighbor’s Housefire Kind Of Beautiful Actually

Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion

Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

Utterance Of Secret Password Grants Customer Access To Long Rumored 18-Inch Subway Sandwich

Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Probation

Father Assures Frightened Son Monster Under Bed Has Been Dead For Weeks

Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming

Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn’t Possible, Demand Heath Ledger ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Appearance

Report: Everyone In Outlet Mall Limping

Barry Pepper Getting By

Tweet Skimmed

OE: Well, I Guess I’ll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation

Bear Emerges From Hibernation Refreshed And Ready To Kill

Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door

Popular Kid’s Signature Forged On Cast

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back

Man Has Nothing Non-Edible To Live For

Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

Pork Pulled Beyond Recognition

Economic Thrill Seeker Likes To Live On Edge Of Poverty

Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots

Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar

Same Slide Whistle That Saddened Man Cheers Him Right Back Up

Engine Harmonized With

Blindfold Won’t Matter Soon

Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed

Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful

Old Guy At Hostel Down To Party

Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures

Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed

Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter

Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial

OE: I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same

Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class

Longtime ‘Walking Dead’ Viewer Insulted By Implication He Needs Recap Of Previous Week’s Episode

Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check

Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In

Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card

MAG: Our Accountant Said We Could Write Off This Dehumidifier If We Put It On The Cover

MAG: Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity

Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children

Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility

Neil Patrick Harris Reminds Oscar Winners To Tip Their Presenters

Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy

‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face

Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country

Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency

Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs

Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son

FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down

Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended

‘Elle’ Magazine Accidentally Airbrushes Naomi Watts Out Of Cover Altogether

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected

Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates

MAG: Due To A Scheduling Error, We Sit Down With The Cast Of ‘Empire’ And Mitch McConnell

Bestselling Novel To Be Adapted Into More Money

Funeral Home To Cremate Other Half Of Body Once Check Clears

Third Sneeze By Far Worst One In Trilogy

Bris Attendees Not Sure If They’re Supposed To Clap

‘Gammy’ To Some, ‘Nana’ To Others: A Grandmother’s Story

Recipe On Back Of Pasta Box Pretty Specific About What Brand Of Linguine Should Be Used

Blind Taste Test Participants Keep Knocking Over Sodas

Weird Coworker’s iTunes Library Full Of Speeches

Passenger Ruins Perfectly Good Windshield By Flying Through It

MAG: Our 25th Annual Most Dressed Issue

Child’s Prayer Just Rehashed Christmas List

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy

Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin

Cashier Given Clearance To Put Receipt In The Bag

Decadent Autobiography Includes 2 Photo Insert Sections

Hurled X-Box Controller Sheepishly Retrieved

Man Always Gets Little Rush Out Of Telling People John Lennon Beat Wife

Pedestrian Really Milking Right Of Way

New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System

Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting

American Dental Association Recommends Teeth

Grizzled Band-Aid Weathers Third Shower

Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee

Other Stall Even Worse

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