SAMPLE OF ONION STORIES I WROTE THE HEADLINE AND COPY FOR:
Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy
PHILADELPHIA—Providing further insight into the country’s rapidly shifting attitudes about gender, a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that a growing number of Americans would be comfortable with a female Pep Boy. “Times have changed, and I think it would be great for my daughters to finally see a Pep Boy on the sign who looks like them,” said local father Robert Kinsley, echoing the sentiment of 72 percent of poll respondents who indicated they were ready for the full-service automotive chain’s trademark characters, Manny, Moe, and Jack, to be joined by a female Pep Boy, possibly named Janet or Fran. “It’s always been the same three guys on the logo, but I believe that a female Pep Boy is equally qualified to promote savings on replacement tires.” The study also reportedly revealed that a majority of the populace felt uneasy about the prospect of a Muslim Pep Boy.
Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation
TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation. “I never leave home without my Glock, because you just don’t know when someone might mouth off to you in a bar and leave you with no choice but to turn a minor altercation into a tense life-or-death scenario,” said Donner, noting that he keeps his loaded weapon in a hip holster should the need arise for him to respond quickly, and with deadly force, when he is angered by a perceived slight. “Look, I hope to God no one ever tries to hit on my wife while I’m within earshot, but in the real world, things like this do happen. Sometimes you only have a split second to react and make things exponentially more dangerous.” At press time, sources confirmed Donner was pulling up next to a Honda Civic that had cut him off in traffic several blocks earlier.
Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In
COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to maintain a peaceful and enjoyable atmosphere for guests at local nightclub Zenith, bouncer Anthony Russo was given strict instructions Wednesday not to let people like himself in. “Make sure you keep out any hotheads who seem like they’re just looking for a fight,” said club owner Greg Taylor to the frightening muscleman who has been known to instigate violence at even the slightest real or imagined provocation. “We don’t want this club turning into the kind of place where troublemakers hang out.” At press time, the man who had injected large quantities of illegal anabolic steroids into his bloodstream hours earlier was also told not to admit anyone who was carrying drugs.
Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party LANCASTER, PA—Explaining how their once-active discussion barely had the strength to continue on, sources confirmed Thursday that conversational lamprey Brian Kenney was slowly draining the life from acquaintance Josh Carrington’s dinner party. According to sources, Kenney firmly latched himself onto each of the night’s talking points and refused to let go until he sucked every ounce of energy from them, ultimately leaving each one too weakened and feeble to keep going. Despite their best efforts to shake off the conversational parasite and maintain a healthy discourse, guests confirmed that as soon as Kenney opened his mouth and dug into a topic, its vitality began quickly fading away, and it was only a matter of time before it wound up depleted and dead. After sapping the last bit of life from the dinner party, Kenney was reportedly seen trying to attach himself to a female guest in a desperate attempt to spawn.