Sample Monologue Jokes

The other day, Mike Tyson advised Americans to vote for Trump. To help out, he has even offered to bite immigrants.

 

The other day, a man posted a selfie while his wife was giving birth. Apparently the baby’s first words were, “Give it a rest.”

 

REI decided to close its stores on Black Friday, urging people to go outside. Said the American people, “That’s very generous, but what is this “outside” you speak of?”

 

A World Health Organization report found that 3.7 billion people have herpes. Actually it’s 3.7 billion and one. We need to talk.

 

In response to a scathing New York Times article that claims Amazon overworks its employees, CEO Jeff Bezos invited any workers who feel mistreated to email him directly so he can dock their pay for the time they spent typing the message.

 

Carly Fiorina told an Iowa crowd that she supported parents who don’t want to vaccinate their children. At least I think that’s what she said. It was hard to hear her through the hazmat suit.

 

China ended their one-child policy Friday. The government promised to balance things out by executing more people later.

 

A sex toy company has offered Justin Bieber $1 million to turn his penis into a dildo. The E! network has offered him twice that if he turns his penis into a vagina.

 

Facial recognition software is now being used by many of the nation’s police departments in an effort to catch criminals. The American people are also using it to help remember which one Lincoln Chafee is.

 

Quentin Tarantino got in trouble for calling police “murderers” at a rally last week. When you’re too violent for Quentin Tarantino, you know you’ve got a problem.

 

A Louisiana man recently cashed in a penny collection worth $5,000. I feel bad for the guy behind him at the Coinstar machine.