Sample Jokes Published In Daily Content:
ALLENTOWN, PA—John Frankes, 32, told his corgi to sit and it did, because it had been a long day.
KNOXVILLE, TN—Nathan Kessler, 26, spent a good portion of the afternoon misremembering how great Earthworm Jim was.
LAKEWOOD, CO—Bob Kenney, 46, made sure his apology was way more insulting than his original comment.
BRANDON, SD—Karina Stetson, 6, slowed down her Mississippis upon request.
SAN JOSE, CA—Years of intense training and tremendous sacrifice have led gymnast Denise Volker to this sparsely attended moment.
GAINESVILLE, GA—Cathy Fiori sure made the most of her opposable thumbs today.
CLAYMONT, DE—Frank Santopadre knows his story is bombing but has gone too far to turn back now.
NATCHEZ, MS—Local shop owner Daniel Kerr, 37, realized the success or failure of his small business depended almost entirely on the lunkheads who live around him.
SOUIX CITY, IA—Though he might have phrased it differently, Marty Winters, 27, had to agree with his uncle that Taylor Swift was indeed a hot little minx.
KALISPELL, MT—Tara Lynch, 34, slipped into something equally comfortable but sexier.
SACRAMENTO, CA—Justin D’Antonio realized he had only himself to blame for his disrespectful parrot.
SAN FRANCISCO—After listening to a couple arguing on the street, Kevin Avery yelled a sensible solution out his fourth-floor window.
KIRKLAND, WA—Vern Hutchinson, 36, wished that just once he could walk out the left side of his room and emerge on the right like Pac-Man.
PORT ISABEL, TX—Carlos Galvez wished high tide would leave his sandcastle be.
SPOKANE, WA—Cristian Luca thought the anthropomorphic bowling pin that strutted across the scoreboard after his strike came off cocky.
CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OH—Robin Pease was blessed with three beautiful children out of five.
Corrections
The misspelling of the word “hibiscus” in last Sunday’s Home & Garden section was not a mistake, but rather part of a sprawling logic puzzle that has been running in our newspaper for 30 weeks. The Onion will not apologize for challenging readers’ mental dexterity.
The Onion regrets misspelling the word “resolute” in last Thursday’s business section but isn’t that broken up about it.
The Onion apologizes for leaving the drawbridge down overnight.
The Onion would like to apologize in advance for tomorrow’s mistake, which is going to be a doozy.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
In last week’s travel section the compass rose on the treasure map was askew. The Onion regrets the error.
Community Calendar
An outdoor screening of the Rozenski family’s rafting trip has been set up so everyone can get it over with at once.
This week’s city council meeting will conclude with a lengthy statement from an elderly woman who doesn’t know the issues but enjoys a little bit of human interaction.
Weddings
A Lego man and Dora the Explorer sealed their arranged marriage Wednesday with a face collision.
Laroy Hoard and Michelle Carter were married in the presence of God before going home to screw.
Lisa Hassell and Brian Morefield were united in marriage Saturday in a tacky love-themed wedding.
Obituaries
Kevin Maguire unwittingly martyred himself Wednesday for the cause of getting a stop sign put up on Larchmont.
Unsung Hero
Elizabeth Cho watched the sunset all the way to the end even after it started getting boring.
Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.
Tamara Federici gave her friend a couple of extra back pats during their goodbye hug.
Jacob Elish watched a pornographic movie featuring an actress that vaguely resembled his wife.
Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.
Great Escapes
The Outer Edge Of Consciousness
Place those hands around your neck and start your wondrous journey to a place where there is no pain! But don’t go all the way. Not yet.
Under The Porch
Listen to the soothing sounds of conversations with people who don’t know you can hear them while sitting on an old tarp near some cinderblocks. Don’t move around too much or they’ll hear you.
Best-Selling Books
The Catcher In The Rye
J.D. Salinger (Back Bay Books, $11.79)
This 2013 reissue of the classic novel includes three additional chapters blasting phonies.
Rich Dad Poor Dad
Robert T. Kiyosaki (Plata Publishing, $12.99)
See which kind yours is.
‘Assassin’s Creed III’ Strategy Guide by Ubisoft: Includes a detailed walkthrough of how your life ended up like this
Movie Listing
Lee Daniels’ A Butler (PG-13)
A film inspired by the real-life account of some butler in Arizona.
Tv Highlights
Parents Television Council Comedy Hour
ABC Family
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
America’s backseat drivers see if they can do better.
Dance Now!
CW
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT
Contestants dance as celebrity judges discharge pistols at their feet.