Sample Infographic Jokes

Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian

Before letting the veterinarian work on your beloved turtle, give them a decoy turtle to prove themselves first.

Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution


Sex is wrong

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

Crying sounds way better live than through crappy monitor

Probably tough for newborn to sleep so close to the womb without being able to get back in

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

Has word “correct” in it

Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

1983: CBS President Nancy Tellem brazenly exposes the ending of M*A*S*H by televising the finale nationwide

2005: Playboy Playmate Raquel Gibson reveals her turn-ons include a guy who knows his way around a kitchen

Features Of Google Glass

Grappling hook that shuttles glasses to safety any time wearer is imperiled

The Amazing Spider-Man Turns 50

Sept. 1982: Fed up with rampant crime plaguing New York City, Spider-Man purchases a gun

Top Movies Of 2012

Gravitas: Sir Ian McKellen gravely intones about a dark wind coming while riding on horseback for 112 minutes

New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show

Lincoln Town Car: Trunk comes already loaded with dead snitch

Highlights Of ‘The Hobbit’

A well-placed record-scratch sound effect after Gandalf proposes Bilbo as key member of the expedition

Remaking The Republican Party

Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”

Change nothing and wait for rest of country to come to its senses

China Chokes Under Toxic Smog

Gaining leverage over the smog by lending it enormous amounts of money

Onion’s Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

Accommodate your vegan guests by providing a few unappetizing dishes

Preparing For The Mayan ‘Doomsday Prophecy’

Shooting a cop to see what it feels like

How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God

Candidates’ Last Minute Appeals To Voters

Cincinnati, OH: Obama lays a trail of popcorn shrimp from each undecided voter’s apartment to the nearest polling station

Pope Benedict XVI’s Most Notable Moments

Mar. 14, 1993: After being promoted to bishop, an ambitious Joseph Ratzinger makes a number of shrewd diagonal moves in pursuit of the papacy

Dr. Seuss’ Lesser-Known Titles

Do As You’re Told: The story of a boy who immediately eats the green eggs and ham placed in front of him without getting lippy

Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns

Mars Needs Moms: For a $14.99 donation, supporters will receive a DVD of the film

Features Of Apple’s New iRadio Streaming Music Service

Tons of Floyd

Superman Turns 75

Clark Kent gets fired from The Daily Planet for fabricating quotes

How The NSA Collects Your Data

NSA agent comes to your house and beats the piss out of you until you give him the information he wants

What Does College Tuition Money Pay For?

$40: Ream of diploma paper

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

Steve Jobs’ posthumous disapproval

Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church

Cocking mitre slightly to the side

How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges

Schools are weighed on a scale

History Of The Walt Disney Company

1953: Under pressure from the Anti-Defamation League, Disney changes its character’s name from Scrooge Duckstein to Scrooge McDuck

The Onion’s Guide To Understanding The Debt Ceiling Crisis

How would a government default affect me?

It’s always about you, isn’t it? Prick.

Republican Alternatives To Obamacare

Whatever the opposite of tyranny is

How Climate Change Will Affect You

Not at all if you time your death just right

The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College

At the bottom of your application, list the ethnicities you would be willing to share a dorm with.

The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana

Would allow us to fulfill our lifelong dream of blowing pot smoke right in a cop’s face

Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter

Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.

Viewing hardcore pornography will rush warm blood to your penis, which you can then use to warm your hands. Feels good, right?

Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall

Sept. 2012: Bieber starts lifting weights, and it shows

G.I. Joe Turns 50

1964: Hasbro releases its first G.I. Joe action figure, providing millions of children and adult cowards with a fun way to fantasize about military service

Changes To The SAT

Places mint on the first page of the booklet to welcome students to the test

Removes several questions about what the student is wearing

Tips For Using Online Dating Sites

It’s important to choose an interesting profile picture that reflects the “real you” persona that you’ve cooked up, like a photo of you hiking or at a volunteer event.

Be willing to open yourself up to new experiences, like going on a series of terrible dates with men you despise.

Listing a minimum height requirement is a great way to weed out tiny men who would have treated you like a queen.

How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security

All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird

Tips For Getting In Shape

If you want to get in shape, the animals you eat must also be healthy. For instance, if you want a hamburger, select a promising cow 10 weeks ahead of time and hire a personal trainer to develop a bovine strength-training regimen for the cow to assiduously follow.

The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change

The sun’s smiley face likely to switch to angry expression usually reserved for rain cloud

Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

Take a 10 percent cut of all jellybeans to help children understand your time isn’t free.

How To Live Gluten-Free

If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.

Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home

Unfortunately, many baby products on the market are poorly designed and dangerous. Never purchase a defective crib unless you can haggle retailers down to a good price.

How Recycling Works

Step 4: Material is transported to the sanitation plant by a fleet of massive gas-guzzling trucks

Beach Safety Tips

As soon as you arrive at the beach, be sure to tip your lifeguard so he knows who to keep an eye on.

Who Are Millenials?

3 in 5 Millenials have an iPhone that could use some juice if anyone has a charger

The Arguments For Year-Round Schooling

The look on their faces when we break the news to them will be priceless

Tips For The Perfect Cruise

Get ready to limbo! Doesn’t matter whether you want to or not. We came here to have fun, not lie around in bed all day. You’re doing it.

What The Average Funeral Costs

Urn with “#1 Dad” engraved on side: $400

Fireworks Safety Tips

Remember that fireworks can’t hurt you when you’re drunk. Nothing can.

Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley

Food court employees instructed to call french fries “potato wands”

Animatronic Voldemort that is clearly a repurposed E.T.

Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much

$15: Power washing blood off headboard

How Your Amazon Order Reaches You

Step 13: Delivery person meets the customer in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for the handoff.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

PRO: Are still allowed to smell, feel, and look at meat

CON: No matter how many vegetables you scarf down, you will never get your picture mounted on the wall of a steakhouse

How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

Removing note on the side of the can that says “Shake Well”

Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Decide how much time you are comfortable with your kids being online each day so that they will know exactly when the thrill of disobeying you should kick in.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

Prepare a study area in a quiet part of the house where you can complete your child’s homework without any distractions

Children who eat healthy, balanced breakfasts tend to do better in school. Find out which kids do that, and instruct your children to cheat off them

Listen to your children’s feelings about returning to school before telling them the right ones to have

Mark your calendar with orchestra concerts and science fairs so you can schedule work conflicts ahead of time

How Colleges Are Luring Top Students

Brown University: Adjacent dorm for parent

Tips For Finding The Right Doctor

Ask them straight up if they’ve ever killed a patient on purpose.

Make sure they have kind eyes that crinkle at the corners when they smile.

Job Perks And Benefits That Companies Offer Employees

BP: Employees will be enrolled in a generous liability-sharing program

2015 Tech Trends

New MacBook Air equipped with streamlined keypad that only has 23 letters

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

“Snake!”: It was actually just an old length of hose.

McDonald’s Announces Brand Transformation

Each customer to receive “Meal In Review” video highlighting important events that took place during their visit

Most Used Words In Obama’s State Of The Union Address

Mr. Skin

Broke as fuck

YouTube Turns 10

March 2005: Company’s founders register trademark in preparation for launching site that has no respect for trademarks

May 2009: 34-year-old Virginia man Greg Bailey sits through an annoying car ad to see an awesome shoe ad

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Biggest Strength: Last name has optimal number of syllables for chanting

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Current Approval Rating: Nowhere to go but up

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

Con: Fails to measure attractiveness, which will have far greater impact on future success or failure

2015 Wedding Trends

Stenographers at each table to transcribe guests’ conversations for posterity

Kiosk where guests can place bets on length of time marriage will last

Breakup Tips

Try to find joy in other areas of your life, like riding your bike alone, cooking alone, seeing a movie alone, going to a concert alone, or sleeping alone.

Be open to new romantic relationships with people you might already know, like your father’s friends or your mother’s friends.

Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features

Extendable limbs to show that women’s appendages come in all shapes and sizes

Inside The $125,000 Oscar Gift Bag

$12.99: Autographed copy of Acting For The Camera by Tony Barr

$8.50: Oscar dipping sauce

Gay Marriage State By State

North Carolina: Legal for those who don’t care that they’re killing their grandmother

Kansas: Legal for gay couples to have ceremony in different state and not come back

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

2015: RadioShack management forced to euthanize millions of thumb drives they can no longer support

Snow Shoveling Tips

If all else fails, pay a real man to do it for you.

2015 Tech Trends

New MacBook Air equipped with streamlined keypad that only has 23 letters

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

Visual confirmation of the inexorable march of time

Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits

Pity Credit: Available to single taxpayers over 50 with no dependents

How California Is Conserving Water

Water offered generous tax incentives to relocate to California

Tips For Dealing With College Rejection

Stay optimistic. You can always apply as a transfer student in the future if your dream school grossly lowers its standards.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Piercings: 12

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches

The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police

PRO: Turning camera askew allows officers to record beatings with stylish Dutch angles

CON: Those could be anyone’s arms bashing citizen with nightstick

McDonald’s Turns 75

1981: Eight-year-old Christopher Jenkins becomes first child to tell stepmother that taking him to McDonald’s isn’t going make him love her

Tips For Going Green

When people ask if you recycle, say yes

YouTube Turns 10

March 2005: Company’s founders register trademark in preparation for launching site that has no respect for trademarks

May 2009: 34-year-old Virginia man Greg Bailey sits through an annoying car ad to see an awesome shoe ad

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Given name: Bernice

Who Is Ben Carson?

Biggest Political Liability: Has admitted to cutting people’s bodies open with scalpel

First Thing He Does Each Morning: Decides whether to be gay or straight for next 24 hours

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0

Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys

Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport

Pros And Cons Of Raising The Minimum Wage


Still just as insulting that your boss pays you lowest amount he or she legally allowed to

Awkwardness of being served by cashiers wearing top hats and monocles

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Level Of Name Recognition: Slightly above yours

Campaign Slogan: “A vote for me is a vote for Martin O’Malley”

Plan For Middle Class: Put pictures of them on his website

Handshake Style: Firm double pump with slide release

Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

Wife: Unsatisfied

Campaign Slogan: “I’m Going To Do This Every Four Years Until I Die”

Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Biggest Obstacle To GOP Nomination: Has publicly acknowledged the humanity of illegal immigrants

Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling 

Before traveling to an unfamiliar country, always conduct background checks on each of their citizens

Max out your credit cards with expensive purchases so criminals can’t use them

Top Summer Internships For 2015

Hewlett-Packard: Offers salary competitive with unpaid internships at other Fortune 500 companies

BP: One lucky student will get chance to be scapegoated for oil spills that occur during their term

2015 Summer Festival Guide

Carolina Beer Fest (Charleston, SC): This annual celebration of the nation’s finest breweries features a wide selection of craft beers and one horrific porta-potty

Toyota Independent Film Festival (Chicago): This annual event celebrates promising new directors screening films where the protagonist drives a Camry

Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down

Refer to power as “juice”

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

205 million years agoFourth Extinction: End of winged crocodile species that would have blown your fucking mind

20 million years ago: God dies

Marathon Training Tips

Staying hydrated is important, so be sure to drink plenty of bodily fluids

Driving 26.2 miles is also an accomplishment of sorts

The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline

December 15, 1973: American Psychiatric Association downgrades homosexuality from mental disorder to quirk

May 23, 2013: Boy Scouts of America officially allows gay scouts to be tolerated

Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian

Before letting the veterinarian work on your beloved turtle, give them a decoy turtle to prove themselves first.

Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution


Sex is wrong

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

Crying sounds way better live than through crappy monitor

Probably tough for newborn to sleep so close to the womb without being able to get back in


The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

Has word “correct” in it

Renting Vs. Owning A Home

Landlord Walking Around Wearing Your Clothes While You’re At Work: No // Every day

Tips For Investigating A Crime Scene

Carefully label and photograph each individual piece of evidence immediately after you’ve tampered with it.

Any gawkers should be kept barred from the crime scene, unless of course they’re very curious.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Odor: All You // Teamwork

What Your Cable Bill Pays For

$7.00: Spoiler protection

Tips For Setting Up A Campsite

Ensure your group’s safety by making sure any nearby bears sign a non-aggression pact.

Tips For Male Bonding

To get any new buddies up to speed, compile a PowerPoint presentation of consensus choices for famous actresses you and the guys would most like to have sex with.

Don’t be afraid to really open up and share your feelings about how that last penalty call was bullshit.

Top Signs You Have A Sophisticated Palate

You sleep with a fully loaded pepper mill under your pillow every night

Tips For Maintaining Your Social Life As A New Parent

If you tip them a few extra bucks, most bartenders are more than willing to watch your kid while you hit the dance floor.

Remember that it doesn’t make you a bad parent to want a bit of free time to yourself. You’re only terrible if you act on that.

How To Handle Parenting Disagreements With Your Partner

When people are angry, they sometimes blurt out things they later regret. Take a moment to gather your thoughts so you can come up with something truly cutting.

When struggling to arrive at a consensus, make a list of pros and cons, crumple it up, and bounce it off your spouse’s forehead.

Tips For Keeping Jealousy Out Of Your Friendship

Be proactive and downgrade your friends to mere acquaintances at the first sign of their professional success pulling ahead of yours.

Find creative, constructive outlets for your feelings. Buy a cake with your friend’s face on it and throw it into the river.

Unique Ways To Prepare Chicken

Should you choose to add a drizzle of Italian dressing, for the love of God, make absolutely sure it’s zesty, not robust.

How To Gain More Knowledge

Surround yourself with inspiring people, like that guy from high school who won the Powerball.

Always remember to keep your brain active by constantly and vigorously shaking your head in all directions.

Tips For Asking Someone On A Date

Timing is everything when asking someone out, so always wait until they’ve returned from the bathroom.

When you successfully leave the bar with their phone number, double-check that it came with all ten digits.

Back-To-School Shopping Necessities

Electronic Thing The Classrooms Are Requiring Now: Eighty dollars? Absolutely not. Go put it back.

How To Name Your Fantasy Football Team

To make the name easier to remember, just go with your email password or credit card PIN.

Benefits Of Running A Clean Campaign

Nothing voters love more than a self-righteous politician

Little-Known Rules Of Golf

All shots required to obey Newton’s laws of motion

How To Strike It Rich

Investment experts always say you have to spend money to make money, so go spend all your money.

Most Common Methods Of Voter Suppression

Changing Polling Locations

Many districts attempt to reduce voter turnout by relocating polling centers to the heart of the Mariana Trench

How To Turn An Internship Into A Job Offer

Go above and beyond by bringing your boss three cups of coffee for each one he requests.

How Money Affects Relationships

Children will double down on their tantrums once they realize you can afford all the best toys

Feelings of anger and resentment likely to arise when you abruptly leave your friends’ counterfeiting ring

Real Estate Terms To Know

Credit rating: If you don’t know what this is, yours isn’t good

How To Begin The Search For Your Dream Home

Before meeting with a real estate agent, make a list of nonnegotiable features like walk-in humidor and retractable roof

How To Know When You’re Ready To Buy A New Home

You’re tired of all your belongings getting wet when it rains

How to Handle Your Chosen Candidate’s Defeat

Whatever you do, don’t talk to Seth. He’ll just rub it in.

Remind yourself that it’s always darkest just before the dawn, or whatever hollow platitude is needed to get you through the day.

Tips For Finding Common Ground

Maybe they’ll start to see things your way once you slide a photo of their child across the table.

Tips For Managing Student Debt

If you’re juggling multiple loans, try to first pay off whichever one sends the most terrifying debt collectors to your door.

Some lenders offer a grace period during which you needn’t make payments toward your loan, allowing you the flexibility to buy that houseboat and head straight for international waters.

Conduct thorough research before deciding which wealthy heiress to kidnap for ransom.

Rip up your monthly bill into at least eight pieces to render it null and void.

How To Become Financially Responsible

Always make an earnest effort to live within your parents’ means.

Holiday Shopping By The Numbers

170: Calories you would have burned walking to the mall

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Avoid disturbing other guests by whispering your threats directly into the ear of any underperforming porter.

Top Inventions Of The 21st Century


This high-definition storage medium has given millions of consumers the previously unimaginable opportunity to purchase The Matrix once more

The Cloud

This innovative network of data-storing servers has completely revolutionized the way celebrity privacy is invaded

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