Sample Infographic Jokes
Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian
Before letting the veterinarian work on your beloved turtle, give them a decoy turtle to prove themselves first.
Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution
CON
Sex is wrong
The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping
Crying sounds way better live than through crappy monitor
Probably tough for newborn to sleep so close to the womb without being able to get back in
The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness
Has word “correct” in it
Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History
1983: CBS President Nancy Tellem brazenly exposes the ending of M*A*S*H by televising the finale nationwide
2005: Playboy Playmate Raquel Gibson reveals her turn-ons include a guy who knows his way around a kitchen
Features Of Google Glass
Grappling hook that shuttles glasses to safety any time wearer is imperiled
The Amazing Spider-Man Turns 50
Sept. 1982: Fed up with rampant crime plaguing New York City, Spider-Man purchases a gun
Top Movies Of 2012
Gravitas: Sir Ian McKellen gravely intones about a dark wind coming while riding on horseback for 112 minutes
New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show
Lincoln Town Car: Trunk comes already loaded with dead snitch
Highlights Of ‘The Hobbit’
A well-placed record-scratch sound effect after Gandalf proposes Bilbo as key member of the expedition
Remaking The Republican Party
Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”
Change nothing and wait for rest of country to come to its senses
China Chokes Under Toxic Smog
Gaining leverage over the smog by lending it enormous amounts of money
Onion’s Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving
Accommodate your vegan guests by providing a few unappetizing dishes
Preparing For The Mayan ‘Doomsday Prophecy’
Shooting a cop to see what it feels like
How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope
Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God
Candidates’ Last Minute Appeals To Voters
Cincinnati, OH: Obama lays a trail of popcorn shrimp from each undecided voter’s apartment to the nearest polling station
Pope Benedict XVI’s Most Notable Moments
Mar. 14, 1993: After being promoted to bishop, an ambitious Joseph Ratzinger makes a number of shrewd diagonal moves in pursuit of the papacy
Dr. Seuss’ Lesser-Known Titles
Do As You’re Told: The story of a boy who immediately eats the green eggs and ham placed in front of him without getting lippy
Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns
Mars Needs Moms: For a $14.99 donation, supporters will receive a DVD of the film
Features Of Apple’s New iRadio Streaming Music Service
Tons of Floyd
Superman Turns 75
Clark Kent gets fired from The Daily Planet for fabricating quotes
How The NSA Collects Your Data
NSA agent comes to your house and beats the piss out of you until you give him the information he wants
What Does College Tuition Money Pay For?
$40: Ream of diploma paper
Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C
Steve Jobs’ posthumous disapproval
Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church
Cocking mitre slightly to the side
How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges
Schools are weighed on a scale
History Of The Walt Disney Company
1953: Under pressure from the Anti-Defamation League, Disney changes its character’s name from Scrooge Duckstein to Scrooge McDuck
The Onion’s Guide To Understanding The Debt Ceiling Crisis
How would a government default affect me?
It’s always about you, isn’t it? Prick.
Republican Alternatives To Obamacare
Whatever the opposite of tyranny is
How Climate Change Will Affect You
Not at all if you time your death just right
The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College
At the bottom of your application, list the ethnicities you would be willing to share a dorm with.
The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana
Would allow us to fulfill our lifelong dream of blowing pot smoke right in a cop’s face
Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter
Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.
Viewing hardcore pornography will rush warm blood to your penis, which you can then use to warm your hands. Feels good, right?
Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall
Sept. 2012: Bieber starts lifting weights, and it shows
G.I. Joe Turns 50
1964: Hasbro releases its first G.I. Joe action figure, providing millions of children and adult cowards with a fun way to fantasize about military service
Changes To The SAT
Places mint on the first page of the booklet to welcome students to the test
Removes several questions about what the student is wearing
Tips For Using Online Dating Sites
It’s important to choose an interesting profile picture that reflects the “real you” persona that you’ve cooked up, like a photo of you hiking or at a volunteer event.
Be willing to open yourself up to new experiences, like going on a series of terrible dates with men you despise.
Listing a minimum height requirement is a great way to weed out tiny men who would have treated you like a queen.
How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security
All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird
Tips For Getting In Shape
If you want to get in shape, the animals you eat must also be healthy. For instance, if you want a hamburger, select a promising cow 10 weeks ahead of time and hire a personal trainer to develop a bovine strength-training regimen for the cow to assiduously follow.
The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change
The sun’s smiley face likely to switch to angry expression usually reserved for rain cloud
Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt
Take a 10 percent cut of all jellybeans to help children understand your time isn’t free.
How To Live Gluten-Free
If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.
Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home
Unfortunately, many baby products on the market are poorly designed and dangerous. Never purchase a defective crib unless you can haggle retailers down to a good price.
How Recycling Works
Step 4: Material is transported to the sanitation plant by a fleet of massive gas-guzzling trucks
Beach Safety Tips
As soon as you arrive at the beach, be sure to tip your lifeguard so he knows who to keep an eye on.
Who Are Millenials?
3 in 5 Millenials have an iPhone that could use some juice if anyone has a charger
The Arguments For Year-Round Schooling
The look on their faces when we break the news to them will be priceless
Tips For The Perfect Cruise
Get ready to limbo! Doesn’t matter whether you want to or not. We came here to have fun, not lie around in bed all day. You’re doing it.
What The Average Funeral Costs
Urn with “#1 Dad” engraved on side: $400
Fireworks Safety Tips
Remember that fireworks can’t hurt you when you’re drunk. Nothing can.
Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley
Food court employees instructed to call french fries “potato wands”
Animatronic Voldemort that is clearly a repurposed E.T.
Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much
$15: Power washing blood off headboard
How Your Amazon Order Reaches You
Step 13: Delivery person meets the customer in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for the handoff.
The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian
PRO: Are still allowed to smell, feel, and look at meat
CON: No matter how many vegetables you scarf down, you will never get your picture mounted on the wall of a steakhouse
How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales
Removing note on the side of the can that says “Shake Well”
Keeping Your Child Safe Online
Decide how much time you are comfortable with your kids being online each day so that they will know exactly when the thrill of disobeying you should kick in.
Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents
Prepare a study area in a quiet part of the house where you can complete your child’s homework without any distractions
Children who eat healthy, balanced breakfasts tend to do better in school. Find out which kids do that, and instruct your children to cheat off them
Listen to your children’s feelings about returning to school before telling them the right ones to have
Mark your calendar with orchestra concerts and science fairs so you can schedule work conflicts ahead of time
How Colleges Are Luring Top Students
Brown University: Adjacent dorm for parent
Tips For Finding The Right Doctor
Ask them straight up if they’ve ever killed a patient on purpose.
Make sure they have kind eyes that crinkle at the corners when they smile.
Job Perks And Benefits That Companies Offer Employees
BP: Employees will be enrolled in a generous liability-sharing program
2015 Tech Trends
New MacBook Air equipped with streamlined keypad that only has 23 letters
Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address
“Snake!”: It was actually just an old length of hose.
McDonald’s Announces Brand Transformation
Each customer to receive “Meal In Review” video highlighting important events that took place during their visit
Most Used Words In Obama’s State Of The Union Address
Mr. Skin
Broke as fuck
YouTube Turns 10
March 2005: Company’s founders register trademark in preparation for launching site that has no respect for trademarks
May 2009: 34-year-old Virginia man Greg Bailey sits through an annoying car ad to see an awesome shoe ad
Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee
Biggest Strength: Last name has optimal number of syllables for chanting
Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal
Current Approval Rating: Nowhere to go but up
Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing
Con: Fails to measure attractiveness, which will have far greater impact on future success or failure
2015 Wedding Trends
Stenographers at each table to transcribe guests’ conversations for posterity
Kiosk where guests can place bets on length of time marriage will last
Breakup Tips
Try to find joy in other areas of your life, like riding your bike alone, cooking alone, seeing a movie alone, going to a concert alone, or sleeping alone.
Be open to new romantic relationships with people you might already know, like your father’s friends or your mother’s friends.
Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features
Extendable limbs to show that women’s appendages come in all shapes and sizes
Inside The $125,000 Oscar Gift Bag
$12.99: Autographed copy of Acting For The Camera by Tony Barr
$8.50: Oscar dipping sauce
Gay Marriage State By State
North Carolina: Legal for those who don’t care that they’re killing their grandmother
Kansas: Legal for gay couples to have ceremony in different state and not come back
Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack
2015: RadioShack management forced to euthanize millions of thumb drives they can no longer support
Snow Shoveling Tips
If all else fails, pay a real man to do it for you.
2015 Tech Trends
New MacBook Air equipped with streamlined keypad that only has 23 letters
Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect
Visual confirmation of the inexorable march of time
Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits
Pity Credit: Available to single taxpayers over 50 with no dependents
How California Is Conserving Water
Water offered generous tax incentives to relocate to California
Tips For Dealing With College Rejection
Stay optimistic. You can always apply as a transfer student in the future if your dream school grossly lowers its standards.
Who Is Rand Paul?
Piercings: 12
Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton
Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches
The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police
PRO: Turning camera askew allows officers to record beatings with stylish Dutch angles
CON: Those could be anyone’s arms bashing citizen with nightstick
McDonald’s Turns 75
1981: Eight-year-old Christopher Jenkins becomes first child to tell stepmother that taking him to McDonald’s isn’t going make him love her
Tips For Going Green
When people ask if you recycle, say yes
YouTube Turns 10
March 2005: Company’s founders register trademark in preparation for launching site that has no respect for trademarks
May 2009: 34-year-old Virginia man Greg Bailey sits through an annoying car ad to see an awesome shoe ad
Who Is Bernie Sanders?
Given name: Bernice
Who Is Ben Carson?
Biggest Political Liability: Has admitted to cutting people’s bodies open with scalpel
First Thing He Does Each Morning: Decides whether to be gay or straight for next 24 hours
Candidate Profile: Rick Perry
Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0
Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys
Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport
Pros And Cons Of Raising The Minimum Wage
CONS
Still just as insulting that your boss pays you lowest amount he or she legally allowed to
Awkwardness of being served by cashiers wearing top hats and monocles
Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley
Level Of Name Recognition: Slightly above yours
Campaign Slogan: “A vote for me is a vote for Martin O’Malley”
Plan For Middle Class: Put pictures of them on his website
Handshake Style: Firm double pump with slide release
Candidate Profile: Donald Trump
Wife: Unsatisfied
Campaign Slogan: “I’m Going To Do This Every Four Years Until I Die”
Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush
Biggest Obstacle To GOP Nomination: Has publicly acknowledged the humanity of illegal immigrants
Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling
Before traveling to an unfamiliar country, always conduct background checks on each of their citizens
Max out your credit cards with expensive purchases so criminals can’t use them
Top Summer Internships For 2015
Hewlett-Packard: Offers salary competitive with unpaid internships at other Fortune 500 companies
BP: One lucky student will get chance to be scapegoated for oil spills that occur during their term
2015 Summer Festival Guide
Carolina Beer Fest (Charleston, SC): This annual celebration of the nation’s finest breweries features a wide selection of craft beers and one horrific porta-potty
Toyota Independent Film Festival (Chicago): This annual event celebrates promising new directors screening films where the protagonist drives a Camry
Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down
Refer to power as “juice”
Timeline Of Mass Extinction
205 million years ago: Fourth Extinction: End of winged crocodile species that would have blown your fucking mind
20 million years ago: God dies
Marathon Training Tips
Staying hydrated is important, so be sure to drink plenty of bodily fluids
Driving 26.2 miles is also an accomplishment of sorts
The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline
December 15, 1973: American Psychiatric Association downgrades homosexuality from mental disorder to quirk
May 23, 2013: Boy Scouts of America officially allows gay scouts to be tolerated
Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian
Before letting the veterinarian work on your beloved turtle, give them a decoy turtle to prove themselves first.
Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution
CON
Sex is wrong
The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping
Crying sounds way better live than through crappy monitor
Probably tough for newborn to sleep so close to the womb without being able to get back in
The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness
Has word “correct” in it
Renting Vs. Owning A Home
Landlord Walking Around Wearing Your Clothes While You’re At Work: No // Every day
Tips For Investigating A Crime Scene
Carefully label and photograph each individual piece of evidence immediately after you’ve tampered with it.
Any gawkers should be kept barred from the crime scene, unless of course they’re very curious.
Driving Vs. Public Transportation
Odor: All You // Teamwork
What Your Cable Bill Pays For
$7.00: Spoiler protection
Tips For Setting Up A Campsite
Ensure your group’s safety by making sure any nearby bears sign a non-aggression pact.
Tips For Male Bonding
To get any new buddies up to speed, compile a PowerPoint presentation of consensus choices for famous actresses you and the guys would most like to have sex with.
Don’t be afraid to really open up and share your feelings about how that last penalty call was bullshit.
Top Signs You Have A Sophisticated Palate
You sleep with a fully loaded pepper mill under your pillow every night
Tips For Maintaining Your Social Life As A New Parent
If you tip them a few extra bucks, most bartenders are more than willing to watch your kid while you hit the dance floor.
Remember that it doesn’t make you a bad parent to want a bit of free time to yourself. You’re only terrible if you act on that.
How To Handle Parenting Disagreements With Your Partner
When people are angry, they sometimes blurt out things they later regret. Take a moment to gather your thoughts so you can come up with something truly cutting.
When struggling to arrive at a consensus, make a list of pros and cons, crumple it up, and bounce it off your spouse’s forehead.
Tips For Keeping Jealousy Out Of Your Friendship
Be proactive and downgrade your friends to mere acquaintances at the first sign of their professional success pulling ahead of yours.
Find creative, constructive outlets for your feelings. Buy a cake with your friend’s face on it and throw it into the river.
Unique Ways To Prepare Chicken
Should you choose to add a drizzle of Italian dressing, for the love of God, make absolutely sure it’s zesty, not robust.
How To Gain More Knowledge
Surround yourself with inspiring people, like that guy from high school who won the Powerball.
Always remember to keep your brain active by constantly and vigorously shaking your head in all directions.
Tips For Asking Someone On A Date
Timing is everything when asking someone out, so always wait until they’ve returned from the bathroom.
When you successfully leave the bar with their phone number, double-check that it came with all ten digits.
Back-To-School Shopping Necessities
Electronic Thing The Classrooms Are Requiring Now: Eighty dollars? Absolutely not. Go put it back.
How To Name Your Fantasy Football Team
To make the name easier to remember, just go with your email password or credit card PIN.
Benefits Of Running A Clean Campaign
Nothing voters love more than a self-righteous politician
Little-Known Rules Of Golf
All shots required to obey Newton’s laws of motion
How To Strike It Rich
Investment experts always say you have to spend money to make money, so go spend all your money.
Most Common Methods Of Voter Suppression
Changing Polling Locations
Many districts attempt to reduce voter turnout by relocating polling centers to the heart of the Mariana Trench
How To Turn An Internship Into A Job Offer
Go above and beyond by bringing your boss three cups of coffee for each one he requests.
How Money Affects Relationships
Children will double down on their tantrums once they realize you can afford all the best toys
Feelings of anger and resentment likely to arise when you abruptly leave your friends’ counterfeiting ring
Real Estate Terms To Know
Credit rating: If you don’t know what this is, yours isn’t good
How To Begin The Search For Your Dream Home
Before meeting with a real estate agent, make a list of nonnegotiable features like walk-in humidor and retractable roof
How To Know When You’re Ready To Buy A New Home
You’re tired of all your belongings getting wet when it rains
How to Handle Your Chosen Candidate’s Defeat
Whatever you do, don’t talk to Seth. He’ll just rub it in.
Remind yourself that it’s always darkest just before the dawn, or whatever hollow platitude is needed to get you through the day.
Tips For Finding Common Ground
Maybe they’ll start to see things your way once you slide a photo of their child across the table.
Tips For Managing Student Debt
If you’re juggling multiple loans, try to first pay off whichever one sends the most terrifying debt collectors to your door.
Some lenders offer a grace period during which you needn’t make payments toward your loan, allowing you the flexibility to buy that houseboat and head straight for international waters.
Conduct thorough research before deciding which wealthy heiress to kidnap for ransom.
Rip up your monthly bill into at least eight pieces to render it null and void.
How To Become Financially Responsible
Always make an earnest effort to live within your parents’ means.
Holiday Shopping By The Numbers
170: Calories you would have burned walking to the mall
Tips For Hotel Etiquette
Avoid disturbing other guests by whispering your threats directly into the ear of any underperforming porter.
Top Inventions Of The 21st Century
Blu-ray
This high-definition storage medium has given millions of consumers the previously unimaginable opportunity to purchase The Matrix once more
The Cloud
This innovative network of data-storing servers has completely revolutionized the way celebrity privacy is invaded