DISPATCHES FROM THE GREAT THERMOSTAT WAR

 

By Evan Waite and River Clegg The conflict known today as the Great Thermostat War of 2014 was fought from April to July of that year, in the Jacobs & Bridges Accounting firm’s Pittsburgh branch. The result of a long-simmering feud over the office’s temperature, hostilities broke out when a ragtag regiment of coworkers with […]

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This Poem’s Gonna Be a Hit!

 

By Evan Waite and River Clegg This poem, baby, this poem. Where do I start? Thanks for coming in, by the way. Have a seat. You want a water? Brendan, bring two waters in here! Brendan’s new. Great kid. Dad’s a major player in the haiku game. Anyway, this poem—it’s gonna be huge. I’m talking […]

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SAMPLE OF PUBLISHED ONION HEADLINES:

 

Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down Asshole Taking Up Two Plots Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What? Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns Anus An Outie Woman Angrily Un-Synchronizes Period With Friend After Falling Out Lackluster Dance Craze Only Sweeps 9 States New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch Victoria’s Secret Introduces Sexy […]

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SAMPLE OF ONION STORIES I WROTE THE COPY FOR (NOT THE HEADLINE)

 

Report: U.S. Hospitals Spend $2 Billion Each Year Replacing Gowns Taken By Escaped Patients WASHINGTON—Amidst rapidly rising costs throughout the health care system, a report published Wednesday by the American Hospital Association has found that nearly $2 billion is spent each year replacing gowns taken by patients who escape from the nation’s medical centers. The […]

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