Onion Poll

Do You Trust The Mainstream Media?

No, but propaganda that I agree with is good enough for me.

Yes, but then again, I once ate an unpeeled orange because my friend told me it would clear up my acne.

Do You Think Schools Should Teach Abstinence-Only Sex Education?

I just drop them off and pick them up. Do what you have to do.

Do You Believe In Spanking Children?

Spanking them is okay, but you should never perform a drum solo on their buttocks.

Should Felons Have The Right To Vote?

Sure. Who’s more up on the issues than people completely isolated from the outside world for months at a time?

Yes. Anyone willing to tunnel out of prison under cover of darkness, adopt a pseudonym, and infiltrate their polling place in disguise deserves to have their voice heard.

Do You Think College Is A Good Investment?

Absolutely. It’s important to get into debt early while you still have a lot of life left to ruin.

Should Kids Be Allowed To Sleep In Bed With Their Parents?

No. Bedtime is when parents get to make fun of all the stupid things their child said that day.

Yes, but not past age 25.

Should The Drinking Age Be Lowered To 18?

Yes, but only in exchange for a reinstatement of the draft.

Do You Believe Animals Should Have The Same Rights As Humans?

Only the ones whose owners force them to wear human clothes.

Do You Believe Unpaid Internships Are Unethical?

No way. Interns are handsomely compensated with oxygen and chairs.

Do You Believe Pornography Is Harmful To Society?

It’s not healthy for children, but once a person turns 18, it magically becomes appropriate.

Do You Consider Yourself A Feminist?

Yes, but don’t tell the female employees I’m underpaying.

Would You Let Your Child See An R-Rated Movie?

Sure. I’m not one of those uptight parents who tries to protect my kids.