Onion Fellowship Application Stories
Evan is a daily contributor at The Onion who has had hundreds of jokes published by them. He now contributes daily to the following sections:
- American Voices
- National News Highlights
- Letters To The Editor
- Best Sellers
- Movie Listing
- Unsung Heroes
- Real Estate
- Great Escapes
- TV Listing
- Community Calendar
It is the policy of The Onion that writers do not claim credit for individual jokes they have written on any social media platform. However, here are a few unpublished articles that I wrote on spec for an Onion fellowship application:
Results Of Exit Poll Suggest Voters Trying To Get Home
HARTFORD, CT—Results from a recent exit poll taken in the wake of the Connecticut Republican primary reveal a wide majority of voters are trying to get back home. “The data clearly show that voters are very much looking for pollsters to ‘get out of their way’ and ‘stop bothering them’.” said Gallup pollster Robert Harper, taking a break from adjusting the compiled statistics for sampling errors to reapply Neosporin to a scratch on his forearm caused by one non-respondent elbowing him into a shrub. “This stuff really stings.” These findings mark the most significant since February, when a Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey found that 78% of respondents reported being ‘very likely’ to hang up now.
Study: Dancing On Deceased Rival’s Urn Not As Satisfying
CHICAGO—A vengeance-maximization study published this week by researchers at Northwestern University found that dancing upon the urn of a hated rival feels significantly less satisfying than cutting a rug upon an adversary’s grave. “The results from our observational study indicated that dancing on the still-fresh dirt in front of a lifelong foe’s headstone consistently triggered intense feelings of elation across the board,” said head researcher Pauline Weist while reviewing video footage of a test subject exuberantly jitterbugging on the grave of a man who cuckolded him six years prior. “However, those very same moves performed while teetering precariously on a wobbling urn gave rise to negative reactions that reduced giddiness by up to 73%.” In one case, a respondent had to be treated for a twisted ankle after accidently wedging his shoe in one of the urn’s handles while attempting to perform John Travolta’s dance routine from ‘Pulp Fiction’.
White House Printer On The Fritz Again
WASHINGTON—Sources reported that the White House printer, an aging machine with a notorious history of unreliability, is on the fritz again. “I only had a few minutes to run off the projections for my Financial Stability Oversight Council speech, so when I ran the papers through the document feeder and heard that awful crunching sound, my stomach dropped,” said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner moments before angrily slamming the input tray back into position. “It usually works well enough if you copy two sheets side by side on the glass and use the A3 paper, but after my meeting with [Federal Reserve chairman Ben] Bernanke this morning, I had no time for that whole routine. I am so screwed.” The repercussions from Geithner’s predicament are expected to be the most serious since Former Secretary Of State Colin Powell was unable to print his 2003 speech to the UN Security Council about Iraq’s alleged weapons of mass destruction and was forced to improvise.
Obama Launches More Realistic ‘I Have Big Ideas But We’ll See How It Goes’ Campaign Slogan
WASHINGTON—In an effort to fuse the soaring ambition of his agenda with the logistical difficulties of achieving legislative victories within Washington’s intransigent political system, President Obama yesterday unveiled his campaign’s sensible new slogan, ‘I Have Big Ideas But We’ll See How It Goes’.
“My fellow Americans, I come here today to tell you that, if reelected, I have some very big plans for our country’s future,” said Obama during a campaign event in San Francisco. “Ambitious plans that I will have to drastically scale back in order to placate political rivals until those plans are a mere husk of what they once were.”
Vowing to take on Wall Street until bankers start complaining, and pledging to launch a massive public works program that will inevitably stall in Congress after being loaded up with pork and unceremoniously gutted, Obama promised to “make a whole lot of noise” on the issues facing the nation.
“My administration will continue to work towards building an America where all of our citizens, regardless of race or socio-economic background, are given a fair shot at living the American Dream,” continued Obama. “Assuming, of course, that the scope of the American Dream is significantly narrowed to more accurately reflect the economic and political realities of the day.”
“In my second term, I pledge to make clean energy a top priority so that we can finally take steps to reduce our country’s dependence on foreign oil,” remarked the President while speaking at a fundraising dinner in Jacksonville.
“I will go toe-to-toe with, and get my brains bashed in by, the oil industry for exploiting tax loopholes to avoid paying their fair share of taxes while raking in record profits. I’ll probably end up cutting a deal that ‘wins’ us some symbolic token while ripping the heart right out of the initiative.”
Over the swell of thunderous applause, Obama added, “We may even lose ground!”
According to White House sources, the President decided on ‘I Have Big Ideas But We’ll See How It Goes’ after considering, and ultimately rejecting, several other slogans presented to him by staffers, including ‘My Intentions Are Good, But You Know How It Is’ and ‘There Are A Lot Of Moving Parts To This Thing’.
Vice President Biden reportedly advocated for ‘You Think You Can Do Better, Tough Guy?’ but was ultimately overruled after focus group respondents commented on the expression’s perceived hostility towards voters.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney expounded on the President’s decision during his Tuesday morning Press Briefing, “Americans are sick and tired of their government making grand promises to them and then failing to deliver the goods. Obama has decided to boldly upend this dynamic by promising much, much less. No one will be disappointed because there won’t be anything to be disappointed about.”
As a visual complement to the President’s new slogan, the White House unveiled an arresting new silkscreen from renowned street artist Shepard Fairey, whose iconic Hope campaign poster became the seminal image of the 2008 election. The inspiring new piece shows a sweat-streaked Obama straining to complete a pushup while the U.S. Capitol Building rests heavily on his back, embossed above the phrase Doing My Best.
Resolving not to allow his party to be overshadowed by the President’s announcement, Senate Majority Leader Eric Cantor along with several other conservative congressmen held a ceremony on the steps of the Lincoln memorial to reveal the GOP’s new slogan, ‘A Better Tomorrow, For Us, At Your Expense’.
MSNBC commentator Chuck Todd dissected Cantor’s announcement during his show Thursday, “This phrase will play like gangbusters to that wide swath of Americans who have learned to expect outright malice directed at them from the right, and simply want to learn more about what’s coming down the pike so they can plan accordingly.”
Charles Javier, a longtime Democrat from Massachusetts, applauded the President for his campaign’s adjustment, but warned that there could be repercussions to straying from the ideals he has now publicly articulated, “If President Obama ever stops disappointing his liberal base, he could end up losing the party for good.”