The Onion

Evan is a daily contributor at The Onion who has had many of his jokes published by America’s Finest News Source since he started with the organization in 2011.

He is an alumnus of The Onion’s writing fellowship program, and now writes stories with them remotely from New York City.

Sample Of Published Onion Headlines

Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down

Asshole Taking Up Two Plots

Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?

Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns

Anus An Outie

Woman Angrily Un-Synchronizes Period With Friend After Falling Out

Lackluster Dance Craze Only Sweeps 9 States

New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch

Victoria’s Secret Introduces Sexy Push-Left Bras

Irresponsible Slow Jam Fails To Mention Dental Dams

Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television

Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him

Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

String Of Poorly Received Performances Force Sock Puppet To Return To Foot

After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality

OE: This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations (By Barack Obama)

Arby’s Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Come Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New Calvin & Hobbes Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite

Neighbor’s Housefire Kind Of Beautiful Actually

Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion

Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

Utterance Of Secret Password Grants Customer Access To Long Rumored 18-Inch Subway Sandwich

Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Probation

Father Assures Frightened Son Monster Under Bed Has Been Dead For Weeks

Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming

Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn’t Possible, Demand Heath Ledger ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Appearance

Report: Everyone In Outlet Mall Limping

Barry Pepper Getting By

Tweet Skimmed

OE: Well, I Guess I’ll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation

Bear Emerges From Hibernation Refreshed And Ready To Kill

Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door

Popular Kid’s Signature Forged On Cast

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back

Man Has Nothing Non-Edible To Live For

Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

Pork Pulled Beyond Recognition

Economic Thrill Seeker Likes To Live On Edge Of Poverty

Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots

Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar

Same Slide Whistle That Saddened Man Cheers Him Right Back Up

Engine Harmonized With

Blindfold Won’t Matter Soon

Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed

Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful

Old Guy At Hostel Down To Party

Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures

Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed

Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter

Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial

OE: I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same

Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class

Longtime ‘Walking Dead’ Viewer Insulted By Implication He Needs Recap Of Previous Week’s Episode

Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check

Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In

Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card

MAG: Our Accountant Said We Could Write Off This Dehumidifier If We Put It On The Cover

MAG: Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity

Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children

Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility

Neil Patrick Harris Reminds Oscar Winners To Tip Their Presenters

Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy

‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face

Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country

Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency

Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs

Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son

FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down

Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended

‘Elle’ Magazine Accidentally Airbrushes Naomi Watts Out Of Cover Altogether

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected

Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates

MAG: Due To A Scheduling Error, We Sit Down With The Cast Of ‘Empire’ And Mitch McConnell

Bestselling Novel To Be Adapted Into More Money

Funeral Home To Cremate Other Half Of Body Once Check Clears

Third Sneeze By Far Worst One In Trilogy

Bris Attendees Not Sure If They’re Supposed To Clap

‘Gammy’ To Some, ‘Nana’ To Others: A Grandmother’s Story

Recipe On Back Of Pasta Box Pretty Specific About What Brand Of Linguine Should Be Used

Blind Taste Test Participants Keep Knocking Over Sodas

Weird Coworker’s iTunes Library Full Of Speeches

Passenger Ruins Perfectly Good Windshield By Flying Through It

MAG: Our 25th Annual Most Dressed Issue

Child’s Prayer Just Rehashed Christmas List

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy

Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin

Cashier Given Clearance To Put Receipt In The Bag

Decadent Autobiography Includes 2 Photo Insert Sections

Hurled X-Box Controller Sheepishly Retrieved

Man Always Gets Little Rush Out Of Telling People John Lennon Beat Wife

Pedestrian Really Milking Right Of Way

New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System

Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting

American Dental Association Recommends Teeth

Grizzled Band-Aid Weathers Third Shower

Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee

Other Stall Even Worse

Sample Jokes Published In Daily Content

National News Highlights

ALLENTOWN, PA—John Frankes, 32, told his corgi to sit and it did, because it had been a long day.

KNOXVILLE, TN—Nathan Kessler, 26, spent a good portion of the afternoon misremembering how great Earthworm Jim was.

LAKEWOOD, CO—Bob Kenney, 46, made sure his apology was way more insulting than his original comment.

BRANDON, SD—Karina Stetson, 6, slowed down her Mississippis upon request.

SAN JOSE, CA—Years of intense training and tremendous sacrifice have led gymnast Denise Volker to this sparsely attended moment.

GAINESVILLE, GA—Cathy Fiori sure made the most of her opposable thumbs today.

CLAYMONT, DE—Frank Santopadre knows his story is bombing but has gone too far to turn back now.

NATCHEZ, MS—Local shop owner Daniel Kerr, 37, realized the success or failure of his small business depended almost entirely on the lunkheads who live around him.

SOUIX CITY, IA—Though he might have phrased it differently, Marty Winters, 27, had to agree with his uncle that Taylor Swift was indeed a hot little minx.

KALISPELL, MT—Tara Lynch, 34, slipped into something equally comfortable but sexier.

SACRAMENTO, CA—Justin D’Antonio realized he had only himself to blame for his disrespectful parrot.

SAN FRANCISCO—After listening to a couple arguing on the street, Kevin Avery yelled a sensible solution out his fourth-floor window.

KIRKLAND, WA—Vern Hutchinson, 36, wished that just once he could walk out the left side of his room and emerge on the right like Pac-Man.

PORT ISABEL, TX—Carlos Galvez wished high tide would leave his sandcastle be.

SPOKANE, WA—Cristian Luca thought the anthropomorphic bowling pin that strutted across the scoreboard after his strike came off cocky.

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OH—Robin Pease was blessed with three beautiful children out of five.

Corrections

The misspelling of the word “hibiscus” in last Sunday’s Home & Garden section was not a mistake, but rather part of a sprawling logic puzzle that has been running in our newspaper for 30 weeks. The Onion will not apologize for challenging readers’ mental dexterity.

The Onion regrets misspelling the word “resolute” in last Thursday’s business section but isn’t that broken up about it.

The Onion apologizes for leaving the drawbridge down overnight.

The Onion would like to apologize in advance for tomorrow’s mistake, which is going to be a doozy.

The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.

In last week’s travel section the compass rose on the treasure map was askew. The Onion regrets the error.

Community Calendar

An outdoor screening of the Rozenski family’s rafting trip has been set up so everyone can get it over with at once.

This week’s city council meeting will conclude with a lengthy statement from an elderly woman who doesn’t know the issues but enjoys a little bit of human interaction.

Weddings

A Lego man and Dora the Explorer sealed their arranged marriage Wednesday with a face collision.

Laroy Hoard and Michelle Carter were married in the presence of God before going home to screw.

Lisa Hassell and Brian Morefield were united in marriage Saturday in a tacky love-themed wedding.

Obituaries

Kevin Maguire unwittingly martyred himself Wednesday for the cause of getting a stop sign put up on Larchmont.

Unsung Hero

Elizabeth Cho watched the sunset all the way to the end even after it started getting boring.

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Tamara Federici gave her friend a couple of extra back pats during their goodbye hug.

Jacob Elish watched a pornographic movie featuring an actress that vaguely resembled his wife.

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

Great Escapes

The Outer Edge Of Consciousness

Place those hands around your neck and start your wondrous journey to a place where there is no pain! But don’t go all the way. Not yet.

Under The Porch

Listen to the soothing sounds of conversations with people who don’t know you can hear them while sitting on an old tarp near some cinderblocks. Don’t move around too much or they’ll hear you.

Best-Selling Books

The Catcher In The Rye

J.D. Salinger (Back Bay Books, $11.79)

This 2013 reissue of the classic novel includes three additional chapters blasting phonies.

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Robert T. Kiyosaki (Plata Publishing, $12.99)

See which kind yours is.

‘Assassin’s Creed III’ Strategy Guide by Ubisoft: Includes a detailed walkthrough of how your life ended up like this

Movie Listing

Lee Daniels’ A Butler (PG-13)

A film inspired by the real-life account of some butler in Arizona.

Tv Highlights

Parents Television Council Comedy Hour

ABC Family

8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

America’s backseat drivers see if they can do better.

Dance Now!

CW

8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

Contestants dance as celebrity judges discharge pistols at their feet.

Onion Poll

Do You Trust The Mainstream Media?

No, but propaganda that I agree with is good enough for me.

Yes, but then again, I once ate an unpeeled orange because my friend told me it would clear up my acne.

Do You Think Schools Should Teach Abstinence-Only Sex Education?

I just drop them off and pick them up. Do what you have to do.

Do You Believe In Spanking Children?

Spanking them is okay, but you should never perform a drum solo on their buttocks.

Should Felons Have The Right To Vote?

Sure. Who’s more up on the issues than people completely isolated from the outside world for months at a time?

Yes. Anyone willing to tunnel out of prison under cover of darkness, adopt a pseudonym, and infiltrate their polling place in disguise deserves to have their voice heard.

Do You Think College Is A Good Investment?

Absolutely. It’s important to get into debt early while you still have a lot of life left to ruin.

Should Kids Be Allowed To Sleep In Bed With Their Parents?

No. Bedtime is when parents get to make fun of all the stupid things their child said that day.

Yes, but not past age 25.

Should The Drinking Age Be Lowered To 18?

Yes, but only in exchange for a reinstatement of the draft.

Do You Believe Animals Should Have The Same Rights As Humans?

Only the ones whose owners force them to wear human clothes.

Do You Believe Unpaid Internships Are Unethical?

No way. Interns are handsomely compensated with oxygen and chairs.

Do You Believe Pornography Is Harmful To Society?

It’s not healthy for children, but once a person turns 18, it magically becomes appropriate.

Do You Consider Yourself A Feminist?

Yes, but don’t tell the female employees I’m underpaying.

Would You Let Your Child See An R-Rated Movie?

Sure. I’m not one of those uptight parents who tries to protect my kids.

Sample Infographic Jokes

Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian

Before letting the veterinarian work on your beloved turtle, give them a decoy turtle to prove themselves first.

Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

CON

Sex is wrong

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

Crying sounds way better live than through crappy monitor

Probably tough for newborn to sleep so close to the womb without being able to get back in

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

Has word “correct” in it

Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

1983: CBS President Nancy Tellem brazenly exposes the ending of M*A*S*H by televising the finale nationwide

2005: Playboy Playmate Raquel Gibson reveals her turn-ons include a guy who knows his way around a kitchen

Features Of Google Glass

Grappling hook that shuttles glasses to safety any time wearer is imperiled

The Amazing Spider-Man Turns 50

Sept. 1982: Fed up with rampant crime plaguing New York City, Spider-Man purchases a gun

Top Movies Of 2012

Gravitas: Sir Ian McKellen gravely intones about a dark wind coming while riding on horseback for 112 minutes

New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show

Lincoln Town Car: Trunk comes already loaded with dead snitch

Highlights Of ‘The Hobbit’

A well-placed record-scratch sound effect after Gandalf proposes Bilbo as key member of the expedition

Remaking The Republican Party

Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”

Change nothing and wait for rest of country to come to its senses

China Chokes Under Toxic Smog

Gaining leverage over the smog by lending it enormous amounts of money

Onion’s Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

Accommodate your vegan guests by providing a few unappetizing dishes

Preparing For The Mayan ‘Doomsday Prophecy’

Shooting a cop to see what it feels like

How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God

Candidates’ Last Minute Appeals To Voters

Cincinnati, OH: Obama lays a trail of popcorn shrimp from each undecided voter’s apartment to the nearest polling station

Pope Benedict XVI’s Most Notable Moments

Mar. 14, 1993: After being promoted to bishop, an ambitious Joseph Ratzinger makes a number of shrewd diagonal moves in pursuit of the papacy

Dr. Seuss’ Lesser-Known Titles

Do As You’re Told: The story of a boy who immediately eats the green eggs and ham placed in front of him without getting lippy

Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns

Mars Needs Moms: For a $14.99 donation, supporters will receive a DVD of the film

Features Of Apple’s New iRadio Streaming Music Service

Tons of Floyd

Superman Turns 75

Clark Kent gets fired from The Daily Planet for fabricating quotes

How The NSA Collects Your Data

NSA agent comes to your house and beats the piss out of you until you give him the information he wants

What Does College Tuition Money Pay For?

$40: Ream of diploma paper

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

Steve Jobs’ posthumous disapproval

Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church

Cocking mitre slightly to the side

How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges

Schools are weighed on a scale

History Of The Walt Disney Company

1953: Under pressure from the Anti-Defamation League, Disney changes its character’s name from Scrooge Duckstein to Scrooge McDuck

The Onion’s Guide To Understanding The Debt Ceiling Crisis

How would a government default affect me?

It’s always about you, isn’t it? Prick.

Republican Alternatives To Obamacare

Whatever the opposite of tyranny is

How Climate Change Will Affect You

Not at all if you time your death just right

The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College

At the bottom of your application, list the ethnicities you would be willing to share a dorm with.

The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana

Would allow us to fulfill our lifelong dream of blowing pot smoke right in a cop’s face

Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter

Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.

Viewing hardcore pornography will rush warm blood to your penis, which you can then use to warm your hands. Feels good, right?

Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall

Sept. 2012: Bieber starts lifting weights, and it shows

G.I. Joe Turns 50

1964: Hasbro releases its first G.I. Joe action figure, providing millions of children and adult cowards with a fun way to fantasize about military service

Changes To The SAT

Places mint on the first page of the booklet to welcome students to the test

Removes several questions about what the student is wearing

Tips For Using Online Dating Sites

It’s important to choose an interesting profile picture that reflects the “real you” persona that you’ve cooked up, like a photo of you hiking or at a volunteer event.

Be willing to open yourself up to new experiences, like going on a series of terrible dates with men you despise.

Listing a minimum height requirement is a great way to weed out tiny men who would have treated you like a queen.

How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security

All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird

Tips For Getting In Shape

If you want to get in shape, the animals you eat must also be healthy. For instance, if you want a hamburger, select a promising cow 10 weeks ahead of time and hire a personal trainer to develop a bovine strength-training regimen for the cow to assiduously follow.

The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change

The sun’s smiley face likely to switch to angry expression usually reserved for rain cloud

Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

Take a 10 percent cut of all jellybeans to help children understand your time isn’t free.

How To Live Gluten-Free

If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.

Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home

Unfortunately, many baby products on the market are poorly designed and dangerous. Never purchase a defective crib unless you can haggle retailers down to a good price.

How Recycling Works

Step 4: Material is transported to the sanitation plant by a fleet of massive gas-guzzling trucks

Beach Safety Tips

As soon as you arrive at the beach, be sure to tip your lifeguard so he knows who to keep an eye on.

Who Are Millenials?

3 in 5 Millenials have an iPhone that could use some juice if anyone has a charger

The Arguments For Year-Round Schooling

The look on their faces when we break the news to them will be priceless

Tips For The Perfect Cruise

Get ready to limbo! Doesn’t matter whether you want to or not. We came here to have fun, not lie around in bed all day. You’re doing it.

What The Average Funeral Costs

Urn with “#1 Dad” engraved on side: $400

Fireworks Safety Tips

Remember that fireworks can’t hurt you when you’re drunk. Nothing can.

Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley

Food court employees instructed to call french fries “potato wands”

Animatronic Voldemort that is clearly a repurposed E.T.

Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much

$15: Power washing blood off headboard

How Your Amazon Order Reaches You

Step 13: Delivery person meets the customer in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for the handoff.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

PRO: Are still allowed to smell, feel, and look at meat

CON: No matter how many vegetables you scarf down, you will never get your picture mounted on the wall of a steakhouse

How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

Removing note on the side of the can that says “Shake Well”

Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Decide how much time you are comfortable with your kids being online each day so that they will know exactly when the thrill of disobeying you should kick in.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

Prepare a study area in a quiet part of the house where you can complete your child’s homework without any distractions

Children who eat healthy, balanced breakfasts tend to do better in school. Find out which kids do that, and instruct your children to cheat off them

Listen to your children’s feelings about returning to school before telling them the right ones to have

Mark your calendar with orchestra concerts and science fairs so you can schedule work conflicts ahead of time

How Colleges Are Luring Top Students

Brown University: Adjacent dorm for parent

Tips For Finding The Right Doctor

Ask them straight up if they’ve ever killed a patient on purpose.

Make sure they have kind eyes that crinkle at the corners when they smile.

Job Perks And Benefits That Companies Offer Employees

BP: Employees will be enrolled in a generous liability-sharing program

2015 Tech Trends

New MacBook Air equipped with streamlined keypad that only has 23 letters

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

“Snake!”: It was actually just an old length of hose.

McDonald’s Announces Brand Transformation

Each customer to receive “Meal In Review” video highlighting important events that took place during their visit

Most Used Words In Obama’s State Of The Union Address

Mr. Skin

Broke as fuck

YouTube Turns 10

March 2005: Company’s founders register trademark in preparation for launching site that has no respect for trademarks

May 2009: 34-year-old Virginia man Greg Bailey sits through an annoying car ad to see an awesome shoe ad

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Biggest Strength: Last name has optimal number of syllables for chanting

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Current Approval Rating: Nowhere to go but up

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

Con: Fails to measure attractiveness, which will have far greater impact on future success or failure

2015 Wedding Trends

Stenographers at each table to transcribe guests’ conversations for posterity

Kiosk where guests can place bets on length of time marriage will last

Breakup Tips

Try to find joy in other areas of your life, like riding your bike alone, cooking alone, seeing a movie alone, going to a concert alone, or sleeping alone.

Be open to new romantic relationships with people you might already know, like your father’s friends or your mother’s friends.

Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features

Extendable limbs to show that women’s appendages come in all shapes and sizes

Inside The $125,000 Oscar Gift Bag

$12.99: Autographed copy of Acting For The Camera by Tony Barr

$8.50: Oscar dipping sauce

Gay Marriage State By State

North Carolina: Legal for those who don’t care that they’re killing their grandmother

Kansas: Legal for gay couples to have ceremony in different state and not come back

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

2015: RadioShack management forced to euthanize millions of thumb drives they can no longer support

Snow Shoveling Tips

If all else fails, pay a real man to do it for you.

2015 Tech Trends

New MacBook Air equipped with streamlined keypad that only has 23 letters

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

Visual confirmation of the inexorable march of time

Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits

Pity Credit: Available to single taxpayers over 50 with no dependents

How California Is Conserving Water

Water offered generous tax incentives to relocate to California

Tips For Dealing With College Rejection

Stay optimistic. You can always apply as a transfer student in the future if your dream school grossly lowers its standards.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Piercings: 12

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches

The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police

PRO: Turning camera askew allows officers to record beatings with stylish Dutch angles

CON: Those could be anyone’s arms bashing citizen with nightstick

McDonald’s Turns 75

1981: Eight-year-old Christopher Jenkins becomes first child to tell stepmother that taking him to McDonald’s isn’t going make him love her

Tips For Going Green

When people ask if you recycle, say yes

YouTube Turns 10

March 2005: Company’s founders register trademark in preparation for launching site that has no respect for trademarks

May 2009: 34-year-old Virginia man Greg Bailey sits through an annoying car ad to see an awesome shoe ad

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Given name: Bernice

Who Is Ben Carson?

Biggest Political Liability: Has admitted to cutting people’s bodies open with scalpel

First Thing He Does Each Morning: Decides whether to be gay or straight for next 24 hours

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0

Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys

Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport

Pros And Cons Of Raising The Minimum Wage

CONS

Still just as insulting that your boss pays you lowest amount he or she legally allowed to

Awkwardness of being served by cashiers wearing top hats and monocles

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Level Of Name Recognition: Slightly above yours

Campaign Slogan: “A vote for me is a vote for Martin O’Malley”

Plan For Middle Class: Put pictures of them on his website

Handshake Style: Firm double pump with slide release

Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

Wife: Unsatisfied

Campaign Slogan: “I’m Going To Do This Every Four Years Until I Die”

Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Biggest Obstacle To GOP Nomination: Has publicly acknowledged the humanity of illegal immigrants

Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling 

Before traveling to an unfamiliar country, always conduct background checks on each of their citizens

Max out your credit cards with expensive purchases so criminals can’t use them

Top Summer Internships For 2015

Hewlett-Packard: Offers salary competitive with unpaid internships at other Fortune 500 companies

BP: One lucky student will get chance to be scapegoated for oil spills that occur during their term

2015 Summer Festival Guide

Carolina Beer Fest (Charleston, SC): This annual celebration of the nation’s finest breweries features a wide selection of craft beers and one horrific porta-potty

Toyota Independent Film Festival (Chicago): This annual event celebrates promising new directors screening films where the protagonist drives a Camry

Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down

Refer to power as “juice”

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

205 million years ago: Fourth Extinction: End of winged crocodile species that would have blown your fucking mind

20 million years ago: God dies

Marathon Training Tips

Staying hydrated is important, so be sure to drink plenty of bodily fluids

Driving 26.2 miles is also an accomplishment of sorts

The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline

December 15, 1973: American Psychiatric Association downgrades homosexuality from mental disorder to quirk

May 23, 2013: Boy Scouts of America officially allows gay scouts to be tolerated

Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian

Before letting the veterinarian work on your beloved turtle, give them a decoy turtle to prove themselves first.

Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

CON

Sex is wrong

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

Crying sounds way better live than through crappy monitor

Probably tough for newborn to sleep so close to the womb without being able to get back in

 

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

Has word “correct” in it

Renting Vs. Owning A Home

Landlord Walking Around Wearing Your Clothes While You’re At Work: No // Every day

Tips For Investigating A Crime Scene

Carefully label and photograph each individual piece of evidence immediately after you’ve tampered with it.

Any gawkers should be kept barred from the crime scene, unless of course they’re very curious.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Odor: All You // Teamwork

What Your Cable Bill Pays For

$7.00: Spoiler protection

Tips For Setting Up A Campsite

Ensure your group’s safety by making sure any nearby bears sign a non-aggression pact.

Tips For Male Bonding

To get any new buddies up to speed, compile a PowerPoint presentation of consensus choices for famous actresses you and the guys would most like to have sex with.

Don’t be afraid to really open up and share your feelings about how that last penalty call was bullshit.

Top Signs You Have A Sophisticated Palate

You sleep with a fully loaded pepper mill under your pillow every night

Tips For Maintaining Your Social Life As A New Parent

If you tip them a few extra bucks, most bartenders are more than willing to watch your kid while you hit the dance floor.

Remember that it doesn’t make you a bad parent to want a bit of free time to yourself. You’re only terrible if you act on that.

How To Handle Parenting Disagreements With Your Partner

When people are angry, they sometimes blurt out things they later regret. Take a moment to gather your thoughts so you can come up with something truly cutting.

When struggling to arrive at a consensus, make a list of pros and cons, crumple it up, and bounce it off your spouse’s forehead.

Tips For Keeping Jealousy Out Of Your Friendship

Be proactive and downgrade your friends to mere acquaintances at the first sign of their professional success pulling ahead of yours.

Find creative, constructive outlets for your feelings. Buy a cake with your friend’s face on it and throw it into the river.

Unique Ways To Prepare Chicken

Should you choose to add a drizzle of Italian dressing, for the love of God, make absolutely sure it’s zesty, not robust.

How To Gain More Knowledge

Surround yourself with inspiring people, like that guy from high school who won the Powerball.

Always remember to keep your brain active by constantly and vigorously shaking your head in all directions.

Tips For Asking Someone On A Date

Timing is everything when asking someone out, so always wait until they’ve returned from the bathroom.

When you successfully leave the bar with their phone number, double-check that it came with all ten digits.

Back-To-School Shopping Necessities

Electronic Thing The Classrooms Are Requiring Now: Eighty dollars? Absolutely not. Go put it back.

How To Name Your Fantasy Football Team

To make the name easier to remember, just go with your email password or credit card PIN.

Benefits Of Running A Clean Campaign

Nothing voters love more than a self-righteous politician

Little-Known Rules Of Golf

All shots required to obey Newton’s laws of motion

How To Strike It Rich

Investment experts always say you have to spend money to make money, so go spend all your money.

Most Common Methods Of Voter Suppression

Changing Polling Locations

Many districts attempt to reduce voter turnout by relocating polling centers to the heart of the Mariana Trench

How To Turn An Internship Into A Job Offer

Go above and beyond by bringing your boss three cups of coffee for each one he requests.

How Money Affects Relationships

Children will double down on their tantrums once they realize you can afford all the best toys

Feelings of anger and resentment likely to arise when you abruptly leave your friends’ counterfeiting ring

Real Estate Terms To Know

Credit rating: If you don’t know what this is, yours isn’t good

How To Begin The Search For Your Dream Home

Before meeting with a real estate agent, make a list of nonnegotiable features like walk-in humidor and retractable roof

How To Know When You’re Ready To Buy A New Home

You’re tired of all your belongings getting wet when it rains

How to Handle Your Chosen Candidate’s Defeat

Whatever you do, don’t talk to Seth. He’ll just rub it in.

Remind yourself that it’s always darkest just before the dawn, or whatever hollow platitude is needed to get you through the day.

Tips For Finding Common Ground

Maybe they’ll start to see things your way once you slide a photo of their child across the table.

Tips For Managing Student Debt

If you’re juggling multiple loans, try to first pay off whichever one sends the most terrifying debt collectors to your door.

Some lenders offer a grace period during which you needn’t make payments toward your loan, allowing you the flexibility to buy that houseboat and head straight for international waters.

Conduct thorough research before deciding which wealthy heiress to kidnap for ransom.

Rip up your monthly bill into at least eight pieces to render it null and void.

How To Become Financially Responsible

Always make an earnest effort to live within your parents’ means.

Holiday Shopping By The Numbers

170: Calories you would have burned walking to the mall

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Avoid disturbing other guests by whispering your threats directly into the ear of any underperforming porter.

Top Inventions Of The 21st Century

Blu-ray

This high-definition storage medium has given millions of consumers the previously unimaginable opportunity to purchase The Matrix once more

The Cloud

This innovative network of data-storing servers has completely revolutionized the way celebrity privacy is invaded

Letters To The Editor

Dear The Onion,

You know who’s an underrated actor? I’m making a list, but I don’t have any names yet.

Dear The Onion,

Your advertising doesn’t work on me! Ha ha ha!

Dear The Onion,

Just wanted to let you know I’ve been a fan of yours ever since I was wrapped up in your newspaper as a child and left on the doorstep of a firehouse.

Selected American Voices Jokes

Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’

“I didn’t realize the two restaurants even knew about each other.”

National Zoo Panda Cub Dies

“It’s heartbreaking to see an animal caged so briefly.”

Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal

“Helping people is what hacking into private online accounts and leaking personal information is all about.”

Viola Davis Celebrates Historic Emmy Win

“After a resounding speech like that, she is going to have her pick of the limited number of available roles!”

ISS Celebrates 15 Years Of Residency In Space

“I’m impressed by their commitment to the hoax.”

Diamonds Might Not Be As Rare As Once Thought

“Now I feel like a sucker for executing such an elaborate heist.”

Vatican Scandals Detailed In Tell-All Books

“It’s going to take a pretty big scandal to get me to read two books.”

SeaWorld To End Orca Shows In San Diego

“Great. Now I have to go all the way to Orlando to see widespread animal abuse.”

Organ Transplants Might Favor Wealthier Patients

“That’s okay. We’ll get the organs back when the revolution comes.”

Mascot Hijinks Cost University $123,000

“Yeah, but how pumped was that crowd?”

Report: 1 in 5 NYC Adults Suffers Mental Health Issues

“Not me. I’m just rude.”

NIH Retiring All Research Chimps

“Bullshit. They were fired.”

Police Took More From Citizens Than Burglars In 2014

“These numbers aren’t surprising, given that thieves have the added pressure of trying not to get caught.”

Astronaut To Run Marathon From Space

“I don’t envy the next guy who gets cornered by him at a space station gathering.”

Pizza Hut Partners With University For New Curriculum

“Right, like I’m going to entrust my son’s pizza education to the institution that brought us the P’Zone.”

Chinese Hackers Steal Top U.S. Weapons Designs 

“It’s actually kind of a compliment when you think about it.”

“Friends are supposed to share.”

Michelle Bachmann Leaving Congress

“I just hope Minnesota can find someone else as good as her.”

Chinese Buy America’s Largest Pork Producer

“Nothing says ‘I’ve made it’ like a mouthful of pig meat.”

4 In 10 U.S. Households Headed By Female Breadwinners

“I just wish my old lady would stop mentioning her salary during lovemaking.”

“All my lazy wife does is sit around the house being eight-and-a-half months pregnant.”

‘After Earth’ Bombs At Post Office

“But it has everything: an arrogant child actor being thrust on us by showbiz parents, M. Night Shyamalan, and Scientology.”

Supreme Court: Police Can Take DNA During Arrests

“I should get arrested with my son to see if he’s really mine.”

App Claims It Can ‘Cure’ Homosexuality In 60 Days

“But my wedding is in two weeks!”

Susan G. Komen Cancels Half Its Breast Cancer Races

“The rest of them will just have to run farther.”

George W. Bush’s Approval Rating Highest In 8 Years

“He really started growing on me when I stopped seeing and hearing him.”

Longest Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116

“Those last 30 years can’t have been fun.”

More White Americans Dying Than Being Born

“Our scarcity will only increase our value.”

Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction

“I’ve got the perfect spot for it next to Jerry Garcia’s finger.”

Nation’s Doctors Classify Obesity As Disease

“So the first lady has just been hassling a bunch of sick kids?”

Paula Deen Loses Endorsement Deal

“What do they need her for anyway? Ham sells itself.”

“Losing a ham endorsement deal after charges of racism—we’ve all been there.”

Texas Executes 500th Prisoner

“Now is the time for that executioner to ask for a raise.”

Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools

“I’m glad someone’s figured out how to say no to my kid.”

“What’s my kid supposed to do with his hands now?”

Less Than 1 In 4 Americans Trust Newspapers

“Well, we won’t have to worry about them much longer.”

“I don’t trust any publication with paper that flimsy.”

Study: Unpaid Internships Don’t Lead To Jobs

“Sure, it’s unpaid in terms of money, but that’s the end of my statement.”

“Shh! He’s right here.”

Justin Bieber Apologizes To Clinton For Insults

“I say all kinds of crazy stuff when I’m peeing in my bucket.”

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

“Is this about money?”

Rallies Against Zimmerman Verdict Held Across U.S. 

“I’m sure this would have blown over by now if they just let George Zimmerman show up at one of the rallies to tell his side.”

Top Mexican Drug Lord Captured

“Thank God the drug war is finally over.”

“I hope no one rises up to take his place.”

New Moon Discovered Orbiting Neptune

“Showalter’s done it again!”

CVS, 7-Eleven Ban ‘Rolling Stone’ Issue Featuring Tsarnaev

“He has kind eyes.”

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

“Eh. Hospitals, schools, firemen, police, trash collection, and road maintenance are overrated.”

Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah

“The Cretaceous period? Man, that brings me back.”

Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks

“‘Linked to’? What does that even mean?”

Study: Dolphins Call Each Other By Name

“Can’t dolphins just let us have this one thing?”

Amanda Bynes Hospitalized After Setting Fire

“It’s terrible to see someone entertain us like this.”

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Restart In D.C.

“It’s good to stay busy.”

Coffee Linked To Lower Suicide Risk

“If only Kurt Cobain would have sampled some of the fine blends Seattle has to offer.”

Global Warming Making People More Violent

“You’re really starting to piss me off.”

World’s First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted

“Food critics are always eating hamburgers in their ivory towers.”

George W. Bush Undergoes Heart Surgery

“Annual physical? Pardon me, Mr. Rockefeller.”

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

“This seems like as good a time as any for a coup.”

Scientists Create Microscopic ‘Mona Lisa’

“How much?”

Judge Rules Against NYC’s Stop-And-Frisk Policy

“This wouldn’t be an issue if everyone would just walk around with their pockets flipped inside out like I suggested at that town hall meeting.”

“Safety good.”

Bear Attacks Rise Sharply Across U.S.

“If a bear tries to swipe your pic-a-nic basket, just let him have it.”

Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000

“Thank God my womb is barren.”

NSA Scans 75% Of All U.S. Internet Traffic

“Fine with me. I’ve got nothing to hide, except a few things from my family.”

Bradley Manning Wants To Live As Woman

“That is one nutty broad.”

‘N Snyc Reunites At VMAs

“I wonder if they had a little huddle right before the performance.”

Panda Born At D.C.’s National Zoo

“What a lucky little captive.”

50th Anniversary Of ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech

“If people start being judged by the content of their character, I’m screwed.”

George Zimmerman Asks Florida To Pay His Legal Costs

“Shooting another unarmed black kid would probably get that bigot money flowing again.”

50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria

“Well, we have to bomb somebody.”

Men Just As Likely To Be Depressed As Women

“We did it!”

Study: Life On Earth May Have Started On Mars

“My annoying platitude about us all being immigrants is even truer than I knew.”

64-Year-Old Woman Swims From Cuba To Florida

“It just goes to show that if you don’t give up, you can swim really far for no discernible reason.”

Dennis Rodman Returns To North Korea

“Shouldn’t we be more focused on Syria? Assad could use a buddy, too.”

First Lady Urges Americans To Drink More Water

“The trick is to cut it with a little soda.”

Study: Men With Smaller Gonads Are Better Dads

“Hmm. I’ve only got one testicle, but it’s huge.”

HIV Outbreak Shuts Down Porn Industry

“I just hope those cock-starved coeds are able to find the sustenance they need.”

U.S. 17th Happiest Country In World

“Why would they conduct that study before the iPhone 5S came out?”

Iowa Issuing Gun Permits To The Blind

“Blind people are just as capable of tucking a gun in their waistband and lifting their shirt to expose the weapon meaningfully.”

Study: Yelling At Teens As Harmful As Hitting

“I can feel the power coursing through my veins.”

Lava Lamp Turns 50

“Today’s lamp-makers have completely lost the desire to entertain.”

Study: Holy Water Unsafe, Full Of Bacteria

“This just means some people will get to heaven faster.”

20% Of High School Seniors Binge Drink

“Yeah, but do they throw the empty beer cans insolently to the side?”

Food Allergies Cost U.S. $25 Billion A Year

“A life without peanuts is no life at all.”

Britney Spears To Have Own Las Vegas Show

“Does she owe money to the house?”

Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

“Now we can focus our contempt where it belongs: on the gluttons.”

‘Wizard Of Oz’ Rereleased In IMAX 3D

“It’s about time they fixed that piece of crap.”

Study: Life On Earth Has 1.75 Billion Years Left

“Is the moon going to be okay?”

15% Of U.S. Adults Don’t Go Online

“You mean all those slurs are coming from only 85 percent of the people?”

Airlines Made $27 Billion In Fees Last Year

“I once sat next to Mandy Patinkin on a flight to Chicago. You can’t put a price on that.”

20% Of Yelp Reviews Fake

“You mean that bistro on Lexington isn’t ‘good for eat food place’?”

Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’

“That doesn’t sound satisfrying at all.”

New York Adds Texting Zones To Highways

“The danger of crashing is what makes texting such a turn-on.”

Saudi Cleric: Driving Harms Women’s Ovaries

“Poor Danica Patrick.”

Reality TV Show To Send Winner To Space

“Can the winner stay there for good? There’s nothing for me down here.”

Doctor Creates Feces Pills To Treat Illness

“I don’t need the capsule. Just give me the feces.”

Tom Hanks Has Diabetes

“The Bosom Buddies guy?”

“Now I’ll look like a heartless jerk if I don’t go see Captain Phillips.”

U.S. Adults Below Average In Math, Literacy, Computers

“But how many different types of barbecue sauce do they have?”

Kuwait To Medically ‘Detect’ Gay Visitors, Expel Them

“That is some cutting-edge bigotry.”

NYC Restaurant Has Diners Eat In Silence

“But my wife has all these great stories about how her coworker Cheryl screwed her over!”

“The only reason I even go out to restaurants is for the chance to get to know a new waiter.”

Study: Behavioral Problems Linked To Irregular Bedtimes

“So I should stop waking my son up in the middle of the night when I get lonely?”

Elderly Woman Unknowingly Lived With 20,000 Bees

“Getting old is quite the adventure.”

Oreos As Addictive As Cocaine Among Rats

“I’ve done some things I’m not proud of to hitch a ride on the sweet zebra.”

“Just let me get a bite of that Double Stuf and I’ll say whatever you want.”

Moose Dying Off Across North America

“I knew moose couldn’t hack it.”

“Plenty more animals where that came from.”

“Did you know moose are great swimmers? Sorry, I just read a book.”

Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S.

“Destroying your body with drugs is a marathon, not a sprint.”

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

“This voodoo doll is more powerful than I ever could have imagined.”

“He didn’t deserve this. Maybe being struck with a lamp, but not this.”

New Book Claims Robert Kennedy Stole JFK’s Brain

“Oh, he probably just wanted to eat the brain and absorb its knowledge.”

“That’s how you win a sibling rivalry.”

Massive Asteroid Could Hit Earth In 2032

“Our catastrophically high sea levels will probably soften the blow.”

Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate

“The North Korean people must be so proud and hungry.”

U.S. Tapped Phones Of 35 World Leaders

“It must be nice to have someone care what you say.”

Scientists: At Least 8.8 Billion Habitable Planets In Galaxy

“I don’t want habitable, I want transcendent.”

Rand Paul Accused Of Plagiarizing Speech From Wikipedia

“I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

“Trying to slip a Gattaca quote by Maddow is a fool’s errand.”

Half Of U.S. Kids Use Smartphone Or Computer By Age 2

“What are they supposed to look at?”

“Once they come out of the womb, they’re not my problem anymore.”

Facebook Use Declining Among Teens

“Wherever my son goes to share information online, I’ll be right behind him three to six months later.”

Report: Yasser Arafat Poisoned With Polonium

“Using a high-quality poison like that is a sign of respect.”

“Maybe he drank some just to be a tough guy.”

FDA To Ban All Trans Fats

“Mouth sad.”

“But I like food that challenges my organs.”

Study: Women Less Likely To Climax During Casual Sex

“Luckily, I come enough for the both of us.”

China To Loosen One-Child Policy

“How romantic.”

Depression Accelerates Aging

“I had no idea Kirk Douglas was so depressed.”

Experts: Jellyfish Taking Over World’s Oceans

“Land is better anyway.”

Ohio Walmart Holds Food Drive For Own Workers

“It was nice of the company to provide the empty bins.”

‘Hip-Hop Conservative’ Congressman Caught With Cocaine

“Apology accepted.”

Canadian City Outlaws Doorknobs

“I think people should just stay in the room they’re in.”

Today’s Kids Take 1.5 Mins Longer To Run Mile Than ’80s Kids

“Being able to move your body just isn’t relevant to today’s kids.”

“The ‘80s were a special time filled with fast times and even faster kids.”

Train Safety Called Into Question

“All of this really makes you think. Technically, everything does.”

Amazon Testing Drone Delivery Service

“Thirty minutes is too long. I need my Duckman DVD now.”

Uruguay Legalizes Marijuana

“But how are they supposed to fill up their jails?”

“Is this one of those deals where I show up and someone steals my organs?”

Adults More Likely Than Teens To Use Phone While Driving

“Who else is going to call the numbers listed on the back of big rigs that are driving erratically?”

Polar Vortex’ Hits Nation With Record-Low Temperatures

“I can’t respect any vortex that doesn’t suck me into a new dimension.”

Ultra-HD “4K” Televisions Replacing 3D TVs In Stores

“I was just saying how the image on my crystal clear 60-inch, high-definition television isn’t sharp enough.”

Colorado Sees Boom In “Pot Tourism” After Legalization

“What a bunch of law-abiding losers.”

High Praise Makes Kids With Low Self-Esteem Feel Worse

“I prefer to make cryptic comments and let them take it however they want.”

Study: 80 Percent Of Super Bowl Ads Don’t Boost Sales

“Since when did commercials become all about selling things?”

Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products

“Food companies can take away my calories, but they can never take away the self-loathing that drives me to overeat.”

Flu Hitting Obese People Harder

“So that’s why Hardy was always sneezing while Laurel looked fine.”

Pope Francis Encourages Women To Breastfeed

“I hope none of the mothers accidentally bop their baby’s head while making the sign of the cross.”

9% Of Dog, Cat Owners Write Pets Into Their Wills

“Would my dog have to sign the contract with an adorable paw print?”

Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home

“That will teach him not to waste food.”

Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr To Perform At Grammys

“Wait, sirs are permitted to play with non-sirs?”

“Those two just love rubbing it in George and John’s faces that they’re still alive.”

President Curbing NSA Spying

“Finally, me and my terrorist buddies can get back to business.”

Study: Childless Couples Have Happier Marriages

“My parents did always tell me I was the source of their unhappiness.”

Obama: Pot No More Harmful Than Alcohol

“If the president of the United States thinks I should go get high in my truck, then so be it.”

“What kind of accurate message does that send to our kids?”

Drinking Diet Soda Linked To Eating More

“That’s perfect, because people need to eat food to live.”

Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco

“Ever since my cat died, I have been looking to get back out there and mingle.”

Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church

“They say as long as you have a person’s blood, they’re not really gone.”

‘Lean In’ To Be Made Into Movie

“This has ‘no nude scenes’ written all over it.”

“My daughter is way too empowered as it is.”

Sochi The Most Expensive Winter Olympics Ever

“You can’t put a price on a child’s smile.”

Study Finds There Are Only 4 Human Emotions

“That seems way more manageable.”

CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco

“Thank God Rite Aid doesn’t give a shit about me.”

FBI Offering $10,000 For Help In Curbing Laser Strikes

“No way. Do you have any idea what laser gangs do to snitches?”

“The Constitution clearly states that I can be as big a prick as I want.”

Study: Wives More Educated Than Husbands In U.S.

“If my wife ever develops the upper body strength to open difficult jars, I’m out on my ass.”

Nestlé Recalls Hot Pockets

“But will they still be selling some of the borderline ones in a bargain bin?”

Cats, Dogs May See Things Invisible To Human Eye

“Aw man, I wish I had the power to see more urine.”

World’s Most Wanted Drug Kingpin Captured

“When it comes to international criminals, America always gets its man after a decade or so.”

New Theme Park To Feature Model Of Noah’s Ark

“Finally, a theme park that shares my contempt for science.”

Pope Francis Drops F-Bomb During Vatican Blessing

“I like my popes a little bawdy.”

American Airlines Drops Bereavement Fares

“I have a hard time believing an airline would try to line their coffers at the expense of their customers.”

Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry

“Now how am I supposed to learn what female genitalia look like?”

Microsoft Ending Support For Windows XP

“You’ve got to take the training wheels off sometime.”

Edward Snowden Speaks At SXSW

“Ah man, I was hoping to see some up-and-coming whistleblowers.”

Colorado Earns $2 Million In Tax Revenue From Legal Pot

“Who knew selling drugs could be so lucrative?”

Keith Richards Writing Children’s Book

“All my favorite books are about musicians practicing.”

“I’m only interested if he slams Mick.”

Guinness Pulls Sponsorship Of St. Patrick’s Day Parade

“Darn. Nothing ruins a parade like having less advertising.”

“Is there at least enough time for a more homophobic brewing company to step in?”

Anti-Vaccine Movement Leads To Rise In Measles, Whooping Cough

“Any disease that was good enough for the greatest generation is good enough for my kid.”

Half Of Americans Believe In Medical Conspiracy Theories

“That’s ridiculous. Our government doesn’t care if we live or die.”

New Technology Creates Mug Shots From DNA

“Can they make me a new mug shot? I’ve always hated mine.”

Facebook Spends $2 Billion On Virtual Reality Company

“That Mark Zuckerberg really seems to be into technology.”

NASA Asks Public To Vote On New Spacesuit

“Are you sure they want us to decide? We’re idiots.”

‘Jeopardy’ Turns 50

“I knew that.”

Study: Popularity Can Raise Risk Of Being Bullied

“This is why I only wear my Oakley wraparound shades at home.”

Michael Jackson Album To Feature New Songs

“I’ll buy it as long as every song is as good as ‘Billie Jean.’”

“If you like music you should check out my band, Thrashing Souls.”

Report: U.S. Built Secret ‘Cuban Twitter’ To Stir Political Unrest

“I love it when we meddle.”

Spider Invasion Leads To Mazda Recall

“It’s nice to have company on long drives.”

Report Finds Steady Rise In Stay-At-Home Mothers

“Is that why I’m seeing so many pies cooling on windowsills these days?”

Americans Opting For Small Dogs Over Babies

“I prefer having both so they can compete for my affection.”

Beef Prices Highest In 27 Years

“Nobody tell the cows or they’ll start acting like dicks.”

Marijuana Vending Machine Unveiled In Colorado

“Nothing legitimizes medicine like selling it from a vending machine.”

“This sounds like something a stoned person came up with and a sober friend implemented.”

Google Glass Users Facing Verbal, Physical Attacks

“I hope the attackers were careful to punch around the eyewear.”

“People need to lighten up about being recorded every single moment of the day.”

Snacking May Help Minimize Spousal Conflict

“But most of our fights are about who ate all the snacks.”

Study: Casual Marijuana Use Can Still Cause Brain Abnormalities

“Eh. My brain was nothing special before.”

Nintendo Game Boy Turns 25

“Let’s just call it what it really was: a Tetris delivery system.”

“That was the golden age of gaming for me because two buttons is all I can cognitively handle.”

Government Approves Sale Of Powdered Alcohol

“Can they also make a powdered cheesesteak that I can inhale at 3 a.m.?”

Mattel Announces Barbie Movie

“Why would Hollywood be interested in a rail-thin blond they can easily manipulate?”

Florida School To Stop Giving Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests

“That’s bullshit. Mountain Dew is supposed to be given afterwards as a reward for doing well.”

George Clooney Engaged

“Good. He’s had enough.”

Teens Getting High Off Lip Balm In New ‘Beezin’ Trend

“If they can find something fun to do with lip balm, then more power to them.”

“They wouldn’t have to resort to lip balm if Visine made an eye drop with some balls.”

Fox Announces ‘Grease’ Live TV Musical For 2015

“I hope they don’t make the same mistake the movie did by adding all the singing.”

Facebook Announces “Anonymous Log-In” For Apps

“I don’t feel comfortable with other apps invading the privacy I already surrendered to Facebook.”

Report: ‘SkyMall’ Magazine May End Print Edition

“That’s okay. I still have dozens of back issues I haven’t gotten through.”

Astronaut To Deliver UConn Commencement Address From Space

“Clearly, a UConn education is out of this world!”

Drones Banned At Yosemite

“How are we supposed to enjoy the park if we aren’t even allowed to ruin it?”

Stephen Hawking: Artificial Intelligence Could Spell End For Mankind

“Fifty bucks says global warming kills us first.”

Supreme Court: Public Meetings Can Have Opening Prayer

“Whatever it takes to pack in those crowds.”

Study: Seeing Jesus In Toast ‘Perfectly Normal’

“For its own sake, I hope toast understands showing Muhammad is verboten.”

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

“I’m flattered that McDonald’s thinks I can handle this.”

Chipotle: Don’t Bring Guns Into Our Restaurants

“I wish Chipotle would just tell me which weapons we can bring.”

Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens

“Big mistake. Today’s teens still like things loud and smelly.”

“All I look for in a clothing store is good prices and a sword swallower.”

Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him

“I don’t have that kind of money, but I can toss in my Aviator 2 script, which will make 10 times that if done right.”

Nutella Turns 50

“It doesn’t taste a day over 30.”

Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim

“Rising sea levels will weed them out soon enough.”

“Can’t we just strap them to the other half who can?”

Company Unveils ‘Drinkable Sunscreen’

“Finally, a sunscreen I can drink without shame.”

Wife Throws Raw Meat At Casey Kasem’s Daughter

“The Bible’s meat-throwing passages were never meant to be taken literally.”

Study: 1 In 6 Public School Teachers Were ‘Chronically Absent’ Last Year

“This would be a major problem if our nation’s public schools didn’t have such high-quality substitute teachers.”

Report: More Couples Getting Social Media Prenups

“You can’t get any more legally precise than evaluating which pictures are good.”

“But we’re still allowed to embarrass ourselves on social media, right?”

Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub

“Never let it be said that Bieber’s PR people aren’t bringing new ideas to the table.”

Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition

“Sounds like a wonderful program, but if it drives up the price of drinks by even a single penny I’m going to throw a fucking fit.”

Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos

“Finally, a way to see some breasts on the internet.”

5-Star Resort For Dogs Opens In Spain

“Do they have a rickety shed out back where I can sleep?”

Starbucks Adding Grilled Cheese To Menu

“Aw, I always thought Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts were friends.”

Mysterious Portrait Discovered Beneath Picasso Painting

“Two paintings in one? What a deal!”

Facebook Bans Sale Of ISIS Clothing

“I would never buy clothing from a terrorist organization without trying it on first.”

Starbucks To Sell Handcrafted Sodas

“I don’t need to hear the particulars. Just get the sugar in my body.”

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

“Are they going to put the poop in a museum so freaks like me can come see it or not?”

‘The Lion King’ Turns 20

“My daughter used to have the biggest crush on Simba, until I explained he was just a series of still images manipulated to create the illusion of motion.”

Judge: Insane Clown Posse Juggalos Can Be Classified As Gang

“Who knew gangsters were so litigious?”

Marvel Announces Thor Will Now Be Represented As A Woman

“As long as the character is still white.”

KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy

“Their methods may be questionable, but their message is beyond reproach.”

“My kids know to only accept candy from tolerant strangers.”

NASA: Humans Will Find Aliens Within Next 20 Years

“Not good enough. I want a specific date.”

Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos

“Those agents have a lot of nerve doing exactly the same thing I would do.”

Facebook Testing Out ‘Buy’ Button

“If they want to compete with Amazon, they are going to have to get their purchasing process down to a half-click or less.”

Comic-Con Holding First Ever Transgender Panel

“Will transgender icon Stan Lee be there?”

Couples Battling For Trendy 12/13/14 Wedding Date

“My friends are going to be so jealous until they think about it a little longer.”

Wikipedia Bans Congress From Editing Pages

“The rest of us can still post bullshit though, right?”

New York Times Endorses Legalizing Marijuana

“They must have been so baked when they looked at the high incarceration rates for non-violent drug offenses.”

PETA Demands New Ending For Live-Action ‘Dumbo’

“Having to leave the circus would be a devastating blow to a natural performer like Dumbo.”

‘Pheromone Parties’ Help Singles Find Dates By Sniffing Each Other

“I’m happy to support any event that elevates the dating pool by pairing off freaks.”

China Bans Government Use Of Apple Products

“That’s ridiculous. We would never think of spying on China in that specific way.”

McDonald’s Testing 60-Second Drive-Thru Guarantee

“I sure hope they can stick to that time frame, because my misgivings about eating at McDonald’s usually kick in around the 75-second mark.”

NRA Removes ‘Guns For The Blind’ Video

“Great. Now a bunch of blind people are going to get assaulted.”

Study: Sex Education Should Start As Early As Age 10

“Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just teach one 10-year-old and let him spread the information at recess?”

Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries

“An apology for providing healthy options would go a long way toward restoring our trust in the brand.”

“I want the salads gone too.”

Study: Meerkats Have Dark, Sinister Side

“Like the brooding anti-heroes of cable television, we don’t have to condone their actions to be compelled by them.”

MTV Airs Ferguson Public Service Announcement During VMA Awards

“Good on MTV for doing its part to reduce the negative stereotypes it promotes.”

Pediatricians: School Should Start Later For Teens So They Can Sleep

“But sleepy students are way easier to indoctrinate.”

“No way. It’s crucial to give teenagers the skills they need to slog through life half-asleep.”

Arby’s Offering Secret ‘Meat Mountain’ Sandwich For Those Who Ask

“Trust me, when they see my physique, they won’t need me to ask.”

New ‘Smart Polo’ Detects Wearer’s Stress Levels

“It’s about time someone created a shirt I’m afraid will electrocute me when it rains.”

Study: Liberals, Conservatives Smell Different

“I smell fiscally conservative, but I also have a liberal aroma on social issues.”

Urban Outfitters Apologizes For Red-Stained Kent State Sweatshirt

“To be fair, it will only be offensive to Americans who have the slightest grasp of American history.”

Facebook Tests ‘Self-Destructing Posts’ Feature

“This is the next best thing to never having to see them in the first place.”

Study: Action Movies Make People Eat More

“Gotta do something while we wait for the explosions.”

Russian Mating Geckos Didn’t Survive Trip To Space

“At least they died doing what we loved subjecting them to.”

Family Dinners Can Counteract Effects Of Cyberbullying

“Shouldn’t it be the bully who gets punished?”

Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing

“I prefer the human interaction of disappointing a flesh-and-blood salesperson who was counting on a commission.”

400,000 Protesters Turn Out For People’s Climate March In NYC

“Good. It’s about time the American people took action on my behalf.”

Pop-Tarts Turn 50

“Their particular mélange of chemicals seems to have struck a chord.”

Alaska Reporter Quits On Air To Become Cannabis Campaigner 

“Well, somebody has to stand up for what’s fun.”

George Clooney Gets Married

“It was getting pretty sad watching him bed a series of beautiful, interesting women.”

New ‘Anti-Facebook’ Social Network Ello Boasts Lack Of Ads

“I think the internet is ready for a new website.”

‘Food-Shaming’ Fork Vibrates When Users Don’t Pause Between Bites

“I’ll just buy two so I can switch back and forth.”

Louisiana Restaurant Offering 10% Discount To Diners Carrying Guns

“I’m the one carrying the gun, so I’ll decide how much the discount is.”

WWF: World Lost Half Its Wildlife Over Last 40 Years

“I concede we’re not the easiest species to live with.”

J.K. Rowling Not Writing New ‘Harry Potter’ Book

“But I want it.”

Study: Teens Sexting Before Engaging In Sexual Activity

“Yeah, teenagers need to start fucking sooner.”

White House Removes Emojis From Millennials Report

“This is the least of the ways Obama has let millennials down.”

Flight Attendants Sue FAA To Reinstate Cell Phone Ban

“I’m willing to turn my phone off, but don’t you ever ask me to stop holding it.”

Funeral Home Offering Drive-Thru Open Casket Lane

“I’ll be sure to turn down the tunes out of respect.”

Toys ‘R’ Us Pulls ‘Breaking Bad’ Action Figures From Shelves

“Action figures should stick to making my son want to join the army.”

“That’s okay. My little guy hated the finale.”

Dogs Catch White House Fence Jumper

“I never doubted the dogs’ competence.”

Anti-Vaxxer Group: Staple Vaccine Warnings To Halloween Candy

“Medical advice always seems more legitimate when stapled to a box of Milk Duds.”

Pope Francis: Evolution Is Not Inconsistent With God

“Finally, someone with the deep science background to set us straight.”

Town Bans Clown Costumes After Wave Of Terror

“But the town’s fear has provided laughter to so many others.”

Study: Women With More Children Are More Productive At Work

“I knew I made the right decision by denying my female employees access to contraception.”

Oxford Names ‘Vape’ Word Of The Year

“Can’t they wait until I learn all the words that already exist before adding new ones?”

McConnell Promises To ‘Restore Hope, Confidence, And Optimism’ In Senate Takeover

“That’s the sense I got from that avalanche of hateful attack ads they aired over the last several months.”

NBC, Netflix Cancel Bill Cosby’s Return To TV Amid Rape Allegations

“Whenever you’re on top, 15 women will always try to take you down with frighteningly similar tales of sexual assault.”

Study: Women In Power More Prone To Depression

“I keep trying to tell women that glass ceiling is there for their own good.”

Study: Majority Of College Students Don’t Graduate On Time

“I find a secondary education is best when savored for six to eight years.”

Women Growing Out, Dyeing Armpit Hair In New Trend

“It’s about time the world caught up with my fetish.”

CDC: This Year’s Flu Vaccine Might Not Work

“Thanks for ruining my placebo effect.”

Furry Convention Attacked By Chlorine Powder Bomb

“Did anyone have a motive to harm them besides their parents?”

“I did what I thought was right.”

Obama Proposes Free Community College For Those ‘Willing To Work’

“Be careful. They always get you on the meal plans.”

New ‘Imaginary Meal’ Pill Tricks Body Into Losing Weight

“Is there some way to trick my body into thinking I took the pill?”

MTV Airing In Black And White On MLK Jr. Day To Spark Conversations On Race

“Hopefully once MTV finishes addressing racism, it can get back to showing the sexism.”

Jewish Orthodox Newspaper Edits Women Out Of Unity March

“That’s horrible. Photoshop should only be used to plump the breasts and trim the thighs.”

Study: Men Who Post Selfies More Likely To Be Narcissists, Psychopaths

“I’ll say whatever you want as long as you show my picture.”

Obama Absent At Paris Anti-Terrorism Rally

“You’re either with the terrorists, against them, or busy.”

New Hampshire Lottery Releases Bacon-Scented Scratch-Off Ticket

“It’s fine if they want to scrap the lottery ticket angle. I’m happy to just buy bacon-scented rectangles.”

Koch Brothers To Spend Historic $889 Million On 2016 Elections

“Man, I wish I had a brother to buy elections with.”

Taiwan Building Sex-Themed Amusement Park Called ‘Romantic Boulevard’

“Nothing gets me hotter than waiting in line.”

Vatican Replaces Doves With Balloons As Symbol Of Peace

“Sometimes I think religious people are just making the rules up as they go along.”

U.K. To Allow 3-Parent Babies

“I’m fine with this as long as the kids are clearly labeled.”

WWE Accused Of Paying Female Wrestlers Less

“The time has come for our society to chokeslam the wage gap.”

Joan Rivers Excluded From Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment  (300)

“Sometimes tough choices have to be made in order to keep the show at a tight 4.5 hours.”

Oklahoma Votes To Ban AP U.S. History

“I’ve always thought history classes should be taught à la carte.”

Study: Dogs Can Read Happy, Angry Faces

“It’s not like they have the best poker faces either.”

Report: Charles Manson’s Fiancée Was Using Him For Corpse

“Does this mean his corpse is still up for grabs?”

Study: Singles Who Use Emojis Have More Sex

“Thank god. Writing down my thoughts can only work against me.”

Superman Gets New Power, ‘Solar Flare’

“Okay, we get it. He’s special.”

Study Links Binge-Watching TV To Depression

“If this is some kind of ploy to get me to read, it’s not going to work.”

McDonald’s Debuts Big Mac Clothing Line

“I’m already wearing their sauce on most of my shirts.”

Report: Students Had To Attend Ted Cruz Rally Or Face Fine

“I’d pay $10 to not have to listen to Ted Cruz.”

Guinness To Start Offering Calorie Counts

“All I need to know is how many of the calories stay inside me after I throw up.”

SXSW Speaker: Silicon Valley Bubble Poised To Burst

“Someone’s not getting invited back to South by next year.”

Report: Coca-Cola Paid Experts To Say Soda Is A Healthy Snack

“You can’t just expect experts to destroy their credibility for free.”

Study: Men Who Are Nice To Women May Be ‘Benevolent Sexists’

“I think it would be best at this point if men and women simply went their separate ways.”

Photographer Sparks Backlash For Wrapping Baby In American Flag

“That baby’s first words better be an apology.”

Report: Texas Down To Last Lethal Injection Dose

“The crime rate must be going through the roof over there now that criminals know they’ll just waste away in jail.”

Burger King Quietly Drops Soda From Kids’ Menu

“This has the first lady’s fingerprints all over it.”

Study: Parents Cause Narcissism In Children

“This reminds me of a study about me.”

Study: 15% Of Boston Toddlers Drink Coffee

“Kids are adults capable of making their own decisions.”

Study: Female Orcas Take On Leadership Roles After Menopause

“Somebody in the ocean has to step up.”

Spanish Bar Only Hires Employees Over 50

“Fine, but no dudes.”

McDonald’s Raising Wages 10% To Attract Better Workers

“With a raise that big, I’m worried that the new workers will be too good.”

Karl Lagerfeld’s Cat Made $3 Million Last Year From Modeling Gigs (#322)

“I just hope that cat is saving its money, because modeling careers don’t last forever.”

NYC Tourists Incite Outrage By Taking ‘Selfies’ At East Village Blast Site

“It’s unfair to condemn those people before seeing how the pictures turned out.”

Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around

“Hot guys, gambling, and chicks: This study has it all!”

Conservative Group: Gay Marriage Will Lead To 900,000 Abortions

“Come on, no way it results in more than 635,000 abortions.”

Report: Chris Christie Spent $300K From Expense Account On Food, Drinks

“You can’t expect him to eat thousands of dollars’ worth of food without some drinks to wash it down.”

Study: Kids Perform Better When Schools Ban Cell Phones

“If I’m going to spend that much money on my kid’s iPhone 6, I expect him to flaunt it.”

“Good luck. The last time I tried to take away my daughter’s cell phone, she bit me deep.”

Middle School Teacher Arrested For Allowing Students To Have Sex In Classroom

“I respect any teacher who is willing to pay for materials out of pocket.”

SkyMall Announces Return Of Print Edition To Planes

“Looks like my campaign of nonviolent resistance worked.”

Survey: 1 In 4 Harvard Seniors Didn’t Have Sex During College

“Yeah, but what percentage didn’t make love?”

Report: George W. Bush Offered To Officiate Gay Wedding In 2013

“Look who’s trying to worm his way back onto the right side of history.”

Swedish Fathers Likely To Get 3 Months Paid Paternity Leave

“How are the babies supposed to bond with a nanny when the parents are around all the time?”

Study: Chimps Have The Mental Ability To Cook Food

“All of history’s greatest chefs have been primates.”

Report: Asian Ivy League Applicants Coached To Be ‘Less Asian’

“It’s important to eventually be yourself.”

Seattle Installing Ping-Pong Tables In Public Parks To Deter Crime

“I get pretty violent when I lose.”

Kellogg’s Launching ‘Netflix For Snacks’ Subscription Service

“I like the concept, but the word ‘healthy’ is a huge red flag.”

Banking Tech Firm Develops Software That Lets Customers Use Emojis As Passwords

“I’d rather just have my money stolen.”

Couple Threatens To Divorce If Gay Marriage Legalized

“That’s too bad. I thought those two hateful kids were going to make it.”

Gmail Unveils ‘Unsend’ Option

“The churlish tone of my emails is no accident.”

Taylor Swift Delivers Fans’ Pregnancy News

“Taylor is really going to have egg on her face if they decide not to go through with it.”

“Is she available on the 12th to deliver a summons?”

Report: Donald Trump Paid Background Actors $50 To Cheer Him At Rally

“You’ve got to pay your dues if you want to land acting gigs with viable candidates.”

FDA Gives Food Corporations 3 Years To Eliminate Trans Fats

“No problem. I’ve got enough stored in my arteries to last me a decade at least.”

Banking Tech Firm Develops Software That Lets Customers Use Emojis As Passwords

“I’d rather just have my money stolen.”

Researchers: People Age At Different Rates

“My body is falling apart right on schedule.”

Russian Police Advocate Safe Selfies

“If you’re not ready to risk bodily harm for your selfies, then get out of the game.”

Heroin Use On Rise In U.S.

“Not to brag, but I’ve been addicted to heroin since the ’80s.”

Large Scale Government Breach Affects 21 Million

“Hackers should have to purchase our personal information from social media companies like everybody else.”

CDC: Cuddling Chickens Leads To Salmonella

“Love makes you do crazy things.”

Walmart Announces Sales To Rival Amazon Prime Day

“I hate it when corporations fight.”

Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’

“I didn’t realize the two restaurants even knew about each other.”

National Zoo Panda Cub Dies

“It’s heartbreaking to see an animal caged so briefly.”

 

Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal

“Helping people is what hacking into private online accounts and leaking personal information is all about.”

Viola Davis Celebrates Historic Emmy Win

“After a resounding speech like that, she is going to have her pick of the limited number of available roles!”

ISS Celebrates 15 Years Of Residency In Space

“I’m impressed by their commitment to the hoax.”

 

Diamonds Might Not Be As Rare As Once Thought

“Now I feel like a sucker for executing such an elaborate heist.”

Vatican Scandals Detailed In Tell-All Books

“It’s going to take a pretty big scandal to get me to read two books.”

SeaWorld To End Orca Shows In San Diego

“Great. Now I have to go all the way to Orlando to see widespread animal abuse.”

 

Organ Transplants Might Favor Wealthier Patients

“That’s okay. We’ll get the organs back when the revolution comes.”

 

Mascot Hijinks Cost University $123,000

“Yeah, but how pumped was that crowd?”

 

Report: 1 in 5 NYC Adults Suffers Mental Health Issues

“Not me. I’m just rude.”

 

NIH Retiring All Research Chimps

“Bullshit. They were fired.”

 

Police Took More From Citizens Than Burglars In 2014

“These numbers aren’t surprising, given that thieves have the added pressure of trying not to get caught.”

 

Astronaut To Run Marathon From Space

“I don’t envy the next guy who gets cornered by him at a space station gathering.”

 

Pizza Hut Partners With University For New Curriculum

“Right, like I’m going to entrust my son’s pizza education to the institution that brought us the P’Zone.”

Published ClickHole Headlines

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When I Started Writing ‘Game Of Thrones,’ I Didn’t Know What Horses Looked Like (By George R.R. Martin)

5 Tips To Fuck Good

10 Reasons You Just Gotta Put The Gun Down

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What Song Is This?

What Did You Think Of My Screenplay?

Who Said It: Ron Swanson, Ernest Hemingway, Or Someone Else?

How Well Do You Know ‘The Hobbett’?

Slideshow

10 Easy Steps

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5 Things ‘Arthur’ Neglected To Teach Us About Life

How To Burn Mouth Calories By Bitching

7 Recent Quotes That Prove The Dalai Lama Is Out Of Spiritual Advice

7 Generic GIFs That Are Just As Good As The Name Brands

5 Movies Ruined By Blatant Product Placement

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Blog

My Parenting Methods May Be Unusual, But They Don’t Work

Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I Still Prefer The Feel Of Newspaper Between My Thighs

10 Weird Laws From Around The Country

Pennsylvania: Humans are required to wear clothes in public, even though none of the other mammals have to.

Alexandria, Virginia: It is illegal to steal things from other people’s homes while they are at work.

How Many Of These Camp Songs Do You Know?

Ignition (Remix)

9 Kids In Our Homeroom Who Definitely Get High

Will Hastings

His hair is a lot longer than last year, and his eyes are always so red.

How Many Of These Depression-Era Boxers Do You Know?

Butter Charlie

8 Prize-Winning Hogs Who Definitely Didn’t Deserve To Win

Melvin’s photogenic, we’ll grant you that. But this isn’t a beauty contest. There are a lot of other factors!

17 Incredible Google Doodles We’d Make If We Knew How

A double Dutch Doodle where the “G” and the “e” skip rope for the “oogl.” If anyone wants to run with this, just give us a heads-up first, and it’s totally cool.

How Many Of These Thoughts Have You Had?

“Blue flamingos wouldn’t be as good.”

The 8 DUMBEST Criminals Of All Time

Carlos Ruiz

Thought you knew dumb? This moron had to take care of his three brothers, and with no ability to make a living, he resorted to stealing cars. Next time, buy your own car, and then you won’t have to steal one, numbnuts!

Tara Jenkins

Having to take care of her brother’s three children while he was locked up, Tara was forced to resort to prostitution to make ends meet. HEY DOOFUS, ever think of getting a high-paying job with benefits?

Embarrassing Résumé Blunders To Stop Making Immediately

Always remember that folding your résumé into a paper crane will make the recruiter feel like they’re destroying something beautiful when they have to flatten it.

They Said WHAT?!?! Jokes

“The real killer in this country is childhood obesity.”

—OJ Simpson

On the 20th anniversary of his murder trial

“God willing, one day I will be a car.”

—Michael Bay

On ‘Transformers: Age Of Extinction’

“I can’t believe nobody ever noticed I’m missing a finger.”

—Jennifer Aniston

On body image

“Just because I’m a vegetarian doesn’t mean I can’t kill cows.”

—Paul McCartney

On meat

“Amanda Peet.”

—Pitbull

On how to pronounce his name

“How did you get in my house?”

—Daniel Radcliffe

On the difference between acting onstage and onscreen

“I don’t give high-fives for anything less than a spare.”

—Blake Shelton

On bowling

“I guess I really painted myself into a corner with this whole mouse head thing.”

—Deadmau5

On expectations

“Lubriderm is the only lotion I trust to slip myself out of headlocks.”

—Viggo Mortensen

On advertising

“Okay guys, you’ve made your point. You can let me out now.”

—Jerry Sandusky

On redemption

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