Published Headlines From The Gist

FBI Asks Media To Frighten People With Facts Only


Global Temperatures Highest In 4000 Years Until Next Year


NY Times Wins 4 Pulitzers For Whatever’s Going On Behind Paywall


Yelp Prison Reviews Giving Criminals The Facts They Need To Make Informed Rash Decisions


Months Of Headlines Featuring Company’s Name Next To Word ‘Feces’ Taking Toll On Carnival’s Profits


Massive Spam Attack Forces Internet Users To Wait A Little


Scientists Find A Way To Ruin Oral Sex


New E-Reader Tracks Progress Of Students Not Clever Enough To Find Way Around It


3 New ‘Terminator’ Movies Coming To Hunt Down And Murder Any Fond Memories We May Have Of The Franchise


O’Connor Has Second Thoughts On Bush V. Gore Just In Time For It To Be 13 Years Later


Jason Collins’ Ex-Fiance Comes Out As Clueless


Kevin Federline Gets Remarried, Presumably In His Best Sneakers


Senate Reaches Bipartisan Compromise To Shrug Their Shoulders While College Student Loans Double


Starbucks To Increase Prices In U.S. Stores by 1%, And What Are You Going To Do About It, You Coffeewhipped Pussy?


Surviving Boston Suspect In A Lot Of Trouble With Uncle


Canadian Vibrator Company Wins Patent Case It Apparently Wasn’t Too Embarrassed To File


Jayden Smith Shows Off Remarkable Ability To Wear Iron Man Costume And Have Date Continue


Government To Temporarily Respect Flight Attendants’ Desire Not To Get Stabbed


Shittiest Job In 2013 Made Even Worse By Having To Report On It


Home Invasion Gives Man Rare Chance To Justify Sword Purchase


Historically Bad Predictor Of Outcomes Donald Rumsfeld Thinks Gay Marriage Will Lead To Polygamy


Finally, An Inspirational Story Of Kids Handling Guns


Unemployed Dogs Now Eligible For Food Stamps


McDonalds Considers Changing Policy That Helps Homeless Alcoholics Figure Out What Time It Is


Study Reveals Country That Produced Gandhi More Racist Than One That Produced Strom Thurmond


Florida Eaters Render Judgment On What Animals Can, Cannot Be Reduced To Taco Form


Justin Bieber Makes Himself 2nd Most Unwanted Guest To Ever Visit Anne Frank House


New Swedish Museum To Address Woeful Lack Of ABBA Education


Chris Brown To Collaborate With Woman Who Can’t Talk Back


Paul Ryan Cool With Homosexuals Legally Expressing Love, Just Not For Each Other


Everest Climbers, Sherpas Make Peace After Acting Out Awesome Movie Premise


U.S. Tourists To Soon Wonder Why Alfred Hitchcock Is On English Money


Weiner Sends Media On Penis Picture Treasure Hunt


2013 Ben Affleck To Live More Like Pre-1993 Ben Affleck


Kardashian Family Offended By How Someone Else Behaving


Mandela Confined To Another Depressing South African Institution


Aurora Shooter Makes Rational Decision


GOP Congressman Meant No Disrespect By Racial Slur He’s Hurled Since Childhood


Actual Police Respond To Scenario Involving Jenna Jameson And Friend


MTV Takes Break From Not Showing Music To Not Show Reality Shows


Ladies Like The Big Ones, Comprehensive Scientific Study Finds


Lil Wayne In Stable Condition After Unplanned Promotional Event


$1 Million In Jewelry Meant For Celebrities Now Being Worn By Different People Who Didn’t Pay for It


Amateur Genital Photographer Considering Return To Politics






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