Published Headlines From The Gist

FBI Asks Media To Frighten People With Facts Only

 

Global Temperatures Highest In 4000 Years Until Next Year

 

NY Times Wins 4 Pulitzers For Whatever’s Going On Behind Paywall

 

Yelp Prison Reviews Giving Criminals The Facts They Need To Make Informed Rash Decisions

 

Months Of Headlines Featuring Company’s Name Next To Word ‘Feces’ Taking Toll On Carnival’s Profits

 

Massive Spam Attack Forces Internet Users To Wait A Little

 

Scientists Find A Way To Ruin Oral Sex

 

New E-Reader Tracks Progress Of Students Not Clever Enough To Find Way Around It

 

3 New ‘Terminator’ Movies Coming To Hunt Down And Murder Any Fond Memories We May Have Of The Franchise

 

O’Connor Has Second Thoughts On Bush V. Gore Just In Time For It To Be 13 Years Later

 

Jason Collins’ Ex-Fiance Comes Out As Clueless

 

Kevin Federline Gets Remarried, Presumably In His Best Sneakers

 

Senate Reaches Bipartisan Compromise To Shrug Their Shoulders While College Student Loans Double

 

Starbucks To Increase Prices In U.S. Stores by 1%, And What Are You Going To Do About It, You Coffeewhipped Pussy?

 

Surviving Boston Suspect In A Lot Of Trouble With Uncle

 

Canadian Vibrator Company Wins Patent Case It Apparently Wasn’t Too Embarrassed To File

 

Jayden Smith Shows Off Remarkable Ability To Wear Iron Man Costume And Have Date Continue

 

Government To Temporarily Respect Flight Attendants’ Desire Not To Get Stabbed

 

Shittiest Job In 2013 Made Even Worse By Having To Report On It

 

Home Invasion Gives Man Rare Chance To Justify Sword Purchase

 

Historically Bad Predictor Of Outcomes Donald Rumsfeld Thinks Gay Marriage Will Lead To Polygamy

 

Finally, An Inspirational Story Of Kids Handling Guns

 

Unemployed Dogs Now Eligible For Food Stamps

 

McDonalds Considers Changing Policy That Helps Homeless Alcoholics Figure Out What Time It Is

 

Study Reveals Country That Produced Gandhi More Racist Than One That Produced Strom Thurmond

 

Florida Eaters Render Judgment On What Animals Can, Cannot Be Reduced To Taco Form

 

Justin Bieber Makes Himself 2nd Most Unwanted Guest To Ever Visit Anne Frank House

 

New Swedish Museum To Address Woeful Lack Of ABBA Education

 

Chris Brown To Collaborate With Woman Who Can’t Talk Back

 

Paul Ryan Cool With Homosexuals Legally Expressing Love, Just Not For Each Other

 

Everest Climbers, Sherpas Make Peace After Acting Out Awesome Movie Premise

 

U.S. Tourists To Soon Wonder Why Alfred Hitchcock Is On English Money

 

Weiner Sends Media On Penis Picture Treasure Hunt

 

2013 Ben Affleck To Live More Like Pre-1993 Ben Affleck

 

Kardashian Family Offended By How Someone Else Behaving

 

Mandela Confined To Another Depressing South African Institution

 

Aurora Shooter Makes Rational Decision

 

GOP Congressman Meant No Disrespect By Racial Slur He’s Hurled Since Childhood

 

Actual Police Respond To Scenario Involving Jenna Jameson And Friend

 

MTV Takes Break From Not Showing Music To Not Show Reality Shows

 

Ladies Like The Big Ones, Comprehensive Scientific Study Finds

 

Lil Wayne In Stable Condition After Unplanned Promotional Event

 

$1 Million In Jewelry Meant For Celebrities Now Being Worn By Different People Who Didn’t Pay for It

 

Amateur Genital Photographer Considering Return To Politics

 

 

 

 

 

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