Guy Who’s Dead Because I Say So

Guy Who’s Dead Because I Say So died yesterday, for real, no matter what anyone may tell you. It had nothing to do with a paperwork mix-up that someone was too embarrassed to rectify.

Nope, that dude is dead for sure, case closed. Let’s abruptly change the topic. Congress, am I right? Those clowns couldn’t pass a stone.

Good afternoon. I received several messages from friends stating that your newspaper printed that I was dead. Obviously, I’m still very much alive. Surely this was an honest mistake, and I would love a chance to clear this matter up with your supervisor.

My supervisor died the other day from…supervisor-related diseases, yeah, and unfortunately is not available to speak to or with anyone.

Your supervisor clearly isn’t dead. I can see him sitting at his desk through the window of his office. The nameplate on the door reads “Supervisor”.

That room is for super-visors. It’s where we keep the good hats.

Then where are these ‘super-visors’? I don’t see any nice hats in there.

My supervisor moved the super-visors to a different room somewhere else.

So he is your supervisor then?

I didn’t say that. You’re twisting my words.

I’m repeating your words.

The guy in there is a janitor.

Your janitor wears a tailored suit to work? And sits in the supervisor’s chair while using his phone? In an office specifically equipped to serve a man you just claimed was dead?


That doesn’t seem credible.

What do you know anyway? I heard a newspaper said you were dead. Our employees are not permitted to converse with zombies. That’s myself included.

Your company has a rule stating that you aren’t supposed to speak with zombies?

It’s more of an unwritten rule. And unspoken. It’s both unwritten and unspoken.

So how did you hear about the policy?

By the water cooler.

Whatever. So are you going to print a retraction? Again, I’m not dead.

Says you, zombie.

Can you do anything for me?

I’ll tell you what: I can give you two lines in tomorrow’s edition to explain to everyone how you died. This can help give your family the closure they must be longing for at a difficult time like this.

Won’t it confuse people to see the deceased person listed as the author of his own story?

Our readers will never notice. They’re idiots.

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