Full Frontal With Samantha Bee Submission Packet – First Round
A WISE MAN ONCE SAID, “HARD WORK IS ITS OWN REWARD,” WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS THE SAME THING HIS BOSS SAID BEFORE ASSIGNING HIM UNPAID OVERTIME.
YOU SEE, HE DIDN’T REALIZE HOW LAZY HE WAS UNTIL SOMEBODY TOLD HIM, AND WE ARE NO DIFFERENT.
ACCORDING TO OUR STRAIGHT-TALKING, TOUGH-LOVE-DISPENSING PAL JEB, IT’S TIME FOR CLOCKPUNCHERS LIKE US TO STEP OUR ELBOW GREASE GAME UP.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: JEB BUSH (CBS 7-9-15): “WE HAVE TO BE A LOT MORE PRODUCTIVE. (FLASH) IT MEANS THAT PEOPLE NEED TO WORK LONGER HOURS.” http://abcn.ws/1OSqrPS]
WORKING 9 TO 5 JUST DOESN’T CUT IT ANYMORE.
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: ‘9 TO 5’ MOVIE POSTER]
WATCHING ‘9 TO 5’ HOWEVER, IS STILL A DELIGHT.
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: DOLLY PARTON]
DOLLY PARTON LIGHTS UP THE SCREEN,
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: DABNEY COLEMAN]
AND DABNEY COLEMAN SHINES AS THE VILLAINOUS FRANKLIN M. HART JR.
MY POINT IS, DABNEY COLEMAN IS UNDERRATED, AND AMERICA IS OVERWORKED.
[TAKE: FF-MOZ1: NEW YORK TIMES (7-13-15): AMERICANS WORK LONGER HOURS THAN THEIR COUNTERPARTS IN JUST ABOUT EVERY WEALTHY COUNTRY; WE ARE KNOWN…AS THE “NO-VACATION NATION.” http://nyti.ms/1M89AYX]
AMERICANS DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO TAKE VACATIONS, WHICH IS LUCKY BECAUSE WE’RE TOO BROKE TO TRAVEL.
(MAN SIDLES INTO FRAME)
HILARIOUS AND INSIGHTFUL!
PERHAPS HIRING YOU WASN’T A MISTAKE.
HEY, I’M TRYING TO WORK HERE.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT I’M AN EFFICIENCY CONSULTANT ASSIGNED BY TBS TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE IS MEETING THEIR PRODUCTIVITY GOALS.
NO REASON TO BE NERVOUS.
IT’S NOT AS IF YOUR JOB IS ON THE LINE!
ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU OTHERWISE ASSURED ME THEY WOULDN’T DO THAT.
THAT’S A RELIEF!
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I LOVE WORKING HERE.
AND WE LOVE WHEN YOU ACTUALLY WORK.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
DID YOU THINK WE WOULDN’T NOTICE THAT YOU DISAPPEAR EVERY DAY FOR 16 HOURS?
IT’S ALMOST AS IF YOU HAVE SOME WHOLE OTHER LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK.
WELL YEAH, I GO HOME TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
WE’RE YOUR CORPORATE FAMILY, AND WHEN YOU’RE NOT TOILING AWAY AT YOUR DESK, WE JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH!
I MISS YOU TOO.
AWW, YOU’RE SWEET.
(QUICKLY SNAPS BACK INTO BUSINESS MODE)
WE’VE NOTICED YOU USE THE BATHROOM EVERY DAY.
TWICE WHEN YOU’VE HAD A BIG GULP.
QUITE FRANKLY, IT’S AFFECTING THE QUANTITY OF YOUR JOB PERFORMANCE.
WE’RE NOT PAYING YOU TO PEE.
ARE YOU REALLY ASKING ME TO SHUT DOWN MY BODILY FUNCTIONS JUST SO YOU CAN SQUEEZE A FEW EXTRA MINUTES OF WORK OUT OF ME?
OF COURSE NOT.
THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY UNREASONABLE.
WE’D MUCH RATHER YOU JOINED OUR EMPLOYEE CENTIPEDE PROGRAM.
WE SURGICALLY CONNECT OUR EMPLOYEES FROM MOUTH TO RECTUM TO CUT DOWN ON BATHROOM BREAKS.
[TAKE: FF-MOZ1: LINE OF EMPLOYEES WORKING ON ASSIGNMENTS WHILE ATTACHED IN A HUMAN CENTIPEDE THAT STRETCHES TO THE RESTROOM]
YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
WE CAN’T AFFORD NOT TO DO THAT!
[TAKE: FF-MOZ1: A LINE OF CHINESE FACTORY WORKERS MAKING IPADS WHILE ATTACHED IN A HUMAN CENTIPEDE]
THE CHINESE ARE MAKING CENTIPEDES EVERY DAY AND WE NEED TO STAY COMPETITIVE.
BESIDES, ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?
(PULLS OUT SAM’S RESUME)
ON YOUR RESUME, YOU SAID YOU WERE SEEKING A “COLLABORATIVE WORK ENVIRONMENT.”
YOU CAN’T GET MORE COLLABORATIVE THAN SHARING A DIGESTIVE TRACT!
I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET CHARLES, YOUR NEW ANUS.
[TAKE: CHARLES AT CHROMAKEY IN RESTROOM WAVING TO SAM WHILE ATTACHED TO ASS OF PERSON IN FRONT OF HIM]
I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING THROUGH YOU-
HE’S ONE OF OUR BEST INTERNS.
I’M SORRY, I WANT TO BE A TEAM PLAYER, BUT I DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS.
WHERE DID YOU GET THE IDEA THAT IT WAS OKAY TO ABUSE YOUR OWN WORKFORCE IN THE UNRESTRAINED PURSUIT OF PROFITS LIKE THIS?
JEFF BEZOS IS NOT FUCKING AROUND.
MUDSLINGING: IT MAY NOT BE GOOD FOR THE SOUL, BUT IT MAKES FOR DAMNED FINE ENTERTAINMENT.
WATCHING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES RIP ONE ANOTHER TO SHREDS IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE STUFFED IN A BUDWEISER BOTTLE.
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: GUY HOLDING BUDWEISER BOTTLE WITH APPLE PIE SMUSHED INSIDE IT]
THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES HAVE DEFINITELY BEEN BRINGING THEIR A-HOLE GAME THIS YEAR.
ALL 200 OF THEM HAVE BEEN FISTING EACH OTHER FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA, AND WE CAN’T GET ENOUGH!
[TAKE: VT-SOT: MONTAGE OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES INSULTING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER]
(CHANTING LIKE A KID WATCHING A BRAWL AFTERSCHOOL)
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
SORRY, I GOT A LITTLE CAUGHT UP IN ALL THE DEMOCRACY.
LET’S GO CHECK OUT THE ABUSE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: ANDREA MITCHELL (MSNBC 8-31-15): “IN A QUINNAPAC POLL LAST WEEK, SENATOR, THE FIRST WORD THAT CAME TO MIND IN A WORD CLOUD TO DESCRIBE HILLARY CLINTON WITH VOTERS WAS ‘LIAR.’ WHAT IS THE FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU THINK OF HILLARY CLINTON?” http://bit.ly/1K244rB]
ANDREA MITCHELL’S TOSSING INSULT ALLEY-OOPS!
THIS SLAM IS GONNA BE SICK!
[TAKE: VT-SOT: BERNIE SANDERS (MSNBC 8-31-15): “I HAVE KNOWN HILLARY CLINTON FOR 25 YEARS, AND I KNOW HER TO BE A VERY HARDWORKING, INTELLIGENT PERSON, SOMEBODY I WORK WITH IN THE SENATE. SO I AM SORRY, I AM NOT GOING TO GET INTO THE MEDIA GAME, ANDREA, OF MAKING PERSONAL ATTACKS AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON.” http://bit.ly/1K244rB]
WHAT THE HELL, BRO?
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO FINISH US OFF?
WE’VE GOT POLITICAL BLUE BALLS OVER HERE!
[TAKE: VT-SOT: ANDREA MITCHELL (MSNBC 8-31-15): “YOU HAVE RESISTED ATTACKING HILLARY CLINTON. ARE YOU BRACED FOR THE ONSLAUGHT THAT COULD COME YOUR WAY FROM HER? (FLASH) WHILE YOU HAVEN’T CRITICIZED HILLARY CLINTON BECAUSE OF THE EMAIL CONTROVERSY, WOULD YOU AS PRESIDENT PERMIT A CABINET SECRETARY (FLASH) TO USE A PRIVATE EMAIL SYSTEM? (FLASH) DO YOU THINK SHE JEOPARDIZED NATIONAL SECURITY?” http://bit.ly/1K244rB]
C’MON BERNIE, CALL HER A TRAITOR TO HER COUNTRY!
DROP A “BENGHAZI” REFERENCE ON HER ASS!
INSULT HER ANKLES!
DO SOMETHING REPREHENSIBLE!
[TAKE: VT-SOT: BERNIE SANDERS (MSNBC 8-31-15): “THIS CAMPAIGN THAT I AM RUNNING, LET ME REITERATE, IS NOT AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON OR ANYBODY ELSE. IT IS FOR AN AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING THE MIDDLE CLASS DISAPPEAR.” http://bit.ly/1K244rB]
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: PROMOTIONAL PHOTO OF FOX’S ‘EMPIRE’]
THE ONLY THING THAT’S DISAPPEARING IS MY DESIRE TO WATCH YOU INSTEAD OF ‘EMPIRE’.
IF YOU WANT TO COMPETE WITH THIS:
[TAKE: VT-SOT: COOKIE LYON FROM ‘EMPIRE’ BEATING HAKEEM WITH A BROOM: “WHAT I WANT IS RESPECT!”]
YOU BETTER GET IN THAT GUTTER AND STAY PUT.
GO ON, GIT!
AND LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT WE DON’T RESPECT CIVILITY IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS.
IT’S THAT WE DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: WWE WRESTLER SMASHING FOLDING CHAIR OVER OPPONENT’S HEAD IN FRONT OF CHEERING CROWD]
THIS IS THE LANGUAGE WE SPEAK.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: BERNIE SANDERS (CBS 8-9-15): “I ADMIRE HER, I RESPECT HER, I LIKE HER.” http://cbsn.ws/1VJ1f2r]
IF HE’S GOING TO TALK PORTUGUESE OR KLINGON OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT WAS, THE LEAST HE COULD DO IS THROW IN
(SAM ROLLS EYES)
AN EYE ROLL,
(SAM DOES ‘JERK OFF’ MOTION)
OR A ‘JERK OFF’ HAND MOTION SO THE REST OF US CAN FOLLOW ALONG.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIS GUY SERIOUSLY AS A CANDIDATE IF HE’S JUST GOING TO SIT THERE YAMMERING LIKE A PUTZ ABOUT THE ISSUES FACING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE INSTEAD OF SERVING UP QUOTABLE SMACKDOWNS FOR THE NEWS CYCLE TO FEAST ON?
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: HILLARY CLINTON]
AND HILLARY HASN’T BEEN MUCH BETTER.
JUST LOOK AT THIS DEUCE SHE DROPPED ON AN AUDIENCE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE THE OTHER DAY.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: HILLARY CLINTON (SPEECH AT PORTSMOUTH, NH 9-5-15): “OTHER CANDIDATES MAY BE OUT THERE HURLING INSULTS (FLASH) BUT I’M GOING TO KEEP DOING WHAT I’VE ALWAYS DONE: FIGHT FOR YOU AND FIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILIES.”]
THIS KIND OF RHETORIC ISN’T JUST DISAPPOINTING…IT’S DANGEROUS.
AMBITIOUS ASSHOLES WILLING TO TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN ARE THE ENGINE OF OUR DEMOCRACY.
SHOWING RESPECT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO GREAT AMERICANS
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: TEDDY ROOSEVELT]
LIKE TEDDY ROOSEVELT, WHO DURING THE 1912 PRIMARY CAMPAIGN, REFERRED TO SITTING PRESIDENT
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: WILLIAM TAFT]
WILLIAM TAFT AS A “FATHEAD.”
HE GAVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SOME STRAIGHT TALK ABOUT TAFT’S MELON, THEN LET THEM DECIDE WHETHER THEY WANTED A HUMAN BOBBLEHEAD
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: MOCKUP: TAFT’S HEAD WEDGED IN DOORFRAME WITH SEVERAL STAFFERS TRYING TO PUSH IT OUT]
GETTING STUCK IN WHITE HOUSE DOORFRAMES FOR ANOTHER FOUR YEARS.
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: STEPHEN DOUGLAS]
IN 1858, STEPHEN DOUGLAS CALLED
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: ABRAHAM LINCOLN]
ABRAHAM LINCOLN A “HORRID-LOOKING WRETCH” WHO WAS “SOOTY AND SCOUNDRELLY IN ASPECT.”
BECAUSE OF THEIR COMPLETE LACK OF SUBSTANCE, THOSE INSULTS STILL HOLD UP TODAY!
CLINTON AND SANDERS MAY BELIEVE THEY ARE ELEVATING THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION, BUT THEY’RE ACTUALLY JUST PERVERTING IT.
SO TONIGHT WE CALL ON OUR OTHER TWO DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES TO PICK UP THE SLACK BY DOUBLING THEIR DICKISHNESS.
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: PICTURE OF MARTIN O’MALLEY AND LINCOLN CHAFEE]
MARTIN O’MALLEY…LINCOLN CHAFEE: IT’S TIME TO SLING SOME SLANDER.
SURE, THIS WON’T HELP EITHER OF YOU WIN, BUT LET’S BE HONEST: EVEN YOUR PARENTS HAVE NEVER HEARD OF YOU.
TO GET YOU STARTED, WE’VE PROVIDED A FEW CHEAP SHOTS YOU’RE WELCOME TO SPEW.
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: PICTURE OF BERNIE SANDERS]
BERNIE SANDERS: HIS HAIR LOOKS LIKE BETTY WHITE’S PUBES, AND HIS WRINKLY OLD BALLS SWING LOWER THAN A GRANDFATHER CLOCK PENDULUM.
[TAKE: OTS-MOZ1: PICTURE OF HILLARY CLINTON]
HILLARY CLINTON KILLED VINCE FOSTER TO WHITEWATER LEWINSKY TRAVELGATE.
SURE, THAT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE, BUT IT SOUNDED MEAN, AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO PATRIOTIC.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[TAKE: FF-MOZ1: PICTURE OF MAHATMA GANDHI: “BE THE CHANGE THAT YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.”]
Search For The Mythical “Middle Class”
On Labor Day, Joe Biden gave a rousing speech that discussed the importance of the middle class, and how rapidly it has been shrinking (http://cnn.it/1UBkjTd).
Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot, Sam has often heard stories about a group of Americans known as the “middle class” that once roamed the nation. But when she looks around, she doesn’t see any of them. Are they real? Sam attempts to find out.
To track down the middle class, Sam enlists the help of the cast of Animal Planet’s show, “Finding Bigfoot.” They meet together to exchange ideas about where to look. Sam shows them a blurry photograph of what she believes is a middle class family, but it’s difficult to know for sure.
Sam warns her team to be careful, because if they come across a member of the middle class, they are likely to be angry about decreasing wages and job instability, and may attack.
Carrying tracking gear and a net, Sam and her team go into a fast food restaurant and look at the workers. Nope, these clearly aren’t the ones they’re looking for. Then she tracks down a man who used to be a member of the middle class, but then got downsized by a greedy company that sacrificed his job to maximize profits.
Finally, they come across a living, breathing member of the middle class, and capture him with the net so that they can study his ways. It is presented as a groundbreaking find.
Anne Hathaway spoke out recently about ageism in the entertainment industry, and how, at 32 years old, she is already losing roles to actresses in their early 20s (http://lat.ms/1NmjwRM). To show that the scope of this problem is actually even worse than Hathaway described, Sam heads down to a child talent agency and talks with some of the female child actors there.
Sam is shocked to find that the children are oblivious to this ageism problem and are far more interested in playing with their toys. She’s concerned that they are being so blasé about their careers, and resolves to help them. She explains to an 8-year-old that she is going to lose roles to 5-year-olds with perkier dimples unless she gets some work done. Sam gives her a business card for a surgeon that does good dimple work, and can also implant her baby teeth back into her mouth to make her smile look younger.
Sam treats the 10-year olds at the agency as long-in-the-tooth actresses who will probably have to settle for roles as grandmothers or even corpses of grandmothers who died because they got too old. She helps the children practice for the auditions for these matronly roles they will have to settle for.
(If possible, get Anne Hathaway to teach the group of female child actresses how to play grandmothers instead of having Sam do it. At the end of the bit, Hathaway is informed that one of the children she taught beat her out for a role as Bruce Willis’ girlfriend in Die Hard 6.)
‘Gun Control Debate Silencer’ Commercial
This commercial introduces a product made by the NRA called a “Gun Control Debate Silencer,” which is a device that hardcore gun nuts screw onto the mouths of people speaking about tightening America’s gun laws.
The silencers are sold in bulk, since the number of Americans calling for universal background checks is growing. Also, the commercial mentions a deal where gun lovers can purchase the silencers at half price after a mass shooting, since these events always spark intense outrage over the easy availability of guns and the existence of the gun show loophole.
The commercial then displays some of the other products for sale, which include unbreakable blinders, and a parrot that repeats the phrase, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”
The Feminine Mistake
Jason Jones, playing a condescending male correspondent, assembles a multiethnic and multigenerational panel of women to discuss how terrible Planned Parenthood is, and after becoming unhappy that the organization is getting more verbal support from these women than he expected, finds various ways to change their answers to the “correct” ones that he thinks they should have.
He changes what they say through various techniques: pre-recording opinions to play over their comments while lowering their microphones, adding dialogue bubbles, chyron at the bottom of the screen, animated versions of the women, etc.
Unhappy with the results, Jason then hires a panel of female actors and assigns them lines to say that spout cartoonishly misinformed slander about Planned Parenthood. He hands them each index cards with their lines on them, and then interviews them as a group.
One of the women’s cards just says, “Validating nod.”
Ted Cruz: “I am the right choice to lead the government I have nothing but contempt for.”
Congress would be horrified if they knew C-Span had been filming them this whole time.
The average American throws away enough food each year to make a really cool pile.
Mark Zuckerberg: “The best privacy setting of all is trust.”