Daily Show Submission Packet – Second Round (2015)
HEADLINE – BLACK LIVES MATTER
[TAKE: STUDIO BUMPER]
{***TREVOR***}
WELCOME BACK.
AFTER A SERIES OF DEADLY POLICE SHOOTINGS OF AFRICAN-AMERICANS, AND THE RISE OF THE BLACK LIVES MATTER MOVEMENT, SEVERAL MELANIN-DEPLETED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN CRITICIZED FOR BEING OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE STRUGGLES OF BLACK AMERICA.
BUT THE THING THESE PEOPLE ARE MISSING IS THAT BEING A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS A LOT LIKE BEING BLACK.
PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY CRITICIZING YOUR SPEECH,
[VT-SOT: MONTAGE OF PUNDITS CRITIQUING CANDIDATES’ REMARKS ON MEET THE PRESS, CABLE NEWS ROUNDTABLES ETC.]
{SOT}
PLUS, AS SOON YOU GET A LITTLE CAMPAIGN MONEY, EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU GOT IT.
[VT-SOT: MONTAGE OF PUNDITS DISCUSSING HOW MUCH MONEY CANDIDATES TOOK FROM KOCH BROTHERS AND OTHER DONORS.]
{SOT}
AND THEN THERE’S THIS.
[VT-SOT: JEB BUSH TOWN HALL EVENT
OUTCUE: JEB BUSH: “THERE IS RACISM IN AMERICA, NO ONE SHOULD DENY THAT, ALTHOUGH THERE HAS BEEN SIGNIFICANT PROGRES-”
SHOUTING AUDIENCE MEMBER: “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? HOW CAN YOU RELATE TO IT?”
JEB BUSH: “I’M SORRY, I’LL FINISH WHEN I-”
SHOUTING AUDIENCE MEMBER: “I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU’RE GOING TO RELATE TO IT?” http://bit.ly/1E0A4LD]
{SOT}
[TAKE: OTS/SS: “POL INTERRUPTED”]
HERE JEB BUSH IS, JUST TRYING TO LIVE HIS LIFE, WHEN SOME OVERLY AGGRESSIVE AUDIENCE WITH A CHIP ON ITS SHOULDER SHOOTS A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS AT HIM.
AS A BLACK MAN, I’VE BEEN THERE.
I KNOW HOW TRAUMATIC IT FEELS TO BE VIOLATED LIKE THAT.
AND THIS IS FAR FROM AN ISOLATED INCIDENT.
[TAKE: VT – SOT: NETROOTS NATION TOWN HALL
OUTCUE: MARTIN O’MALLEY: “BLACK LIVES MATTER, WHITE LIVES MATTER, ALL LIVES MATTER.” (CROWD BOOS AND JEERS HIM) http://bit.ly/1gQUc8z]
{SOT}
[TAKE: OTS/SS: “POL INTERRUPTED”]
IT’S HEARTBREAKING TO SEE THAT SO MANY AMERICANS ARE WILLING TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHILE ONE POLITICIAN AFTER ANOTHER GETS BRUTALLY SHUT DOWN IN THE STREETS, I MEAN, SPEECH.
IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS WAY.
[TAKE: OTS/SS: PICTURE OF ERIC GARNER]
ERIC GARNER,
[TAKE: OTS/SS: PICTURE OF WALTER SCOTT]
WALTER SCOTT,
[TAKE: OTS/SS: PICTURE OF MICHAEL BROWN]
MICHAEL BROWN.
[TAKE: OTS/SS: SIDE-BY-SIDE PICTURES OF GARNER, SCOTT, AND BROWN]
IF THESE MEN HADN’T BEEN MURDERED BY POLICE OFFICERS BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN, THEY WOULD STILL BE HERE TODAY TO HOPEFULLY SPEAK OUT AGAINST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES HAVING THEIR STUMP SPEECHES INTERRUPTED.
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT’S THE REAL TRAGEDY HERE.
[VT: BERNIE SANDERS SPEECH IN SEATTLE:
BLACK LIVES MATTER ACTIVISTS STORMING THE STAGE AND TAKING CONTROL OF THE MIC. http://bit.ly/1NBfba5]
ALSO, I WANT TO EXTEND MY PRAYERS TO THE FAMILY OF BERNIE SANDERS, WHO WAS A VICTIM OF HORRIFYING ACTIVIST BRUTALITY DURING A TOWN HALL MEETING IN SEATTLE EARLIER THIS MONTH.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT HE WOULD NEVER WALK TO A PODIUM AGAIN, BUT HE PROVED THEM ALL WRONG.
STAY STRONG, MY GRIZZLED WHITE BROTHER.
[VT-SOT: CNN: STATE OF THE UNION
OUTCUE: JAKE TAPPER: “SUPPORTERS OF BERNIE SANDERS SAY THIS GUY HAS BEEN FIGHTING FOR CIVIL RIGHTS AND FIGHTING AGAINST INEQUALITY AND FOR JUSTICE REFORM FOR DECADES. WHY ARE THEY PICKING ON HIM?” http://cnn.it/1hjLUa6]
{SOT}
YEAH, WE KNOW WHY, DON’T WE BERNIE.
POLITICIANS ALL LOOK ALIKE TO THEM.
[VT-SOT: CNN: STATE OF THE UNION
OUTCUE: BARAKI SELLERS: “HE’S BEEN DISMISSIVE OF THE BLACK LIVES MATTER MOVEMENT. REFUSING TO MEET WITH THEM (FLASH) AND HE HASN’T EVEN PUT FORTH A CRIMINAL JUSTICE PLATFORM. (FLASH) BLACK LIVES MATTER IS A NEW MOVEMENT, WE NEED NEW ANSWERS FOR 2015.” http://cnn.it/1hjLUa6]
{SOT}
[TAKE: OTS/SS: “POL INTERRUPTED”]
THOSE SEEM LIKE VALID POINTS, ACTUALLY.
BUT THIS POLICITALLY DANGEROUS SITUATION CAN BE CONFUSING TO NAVIGATE, SO FOR SOME HELPFUL TIPS, WE TURN TO SENIOR POLITICAL BIAS CORRESPONDENT JESSICA WILLIAMS.
JESSICA, IF YOU’RE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WHO GETS STOPPED BY A CROWD, WHAT STEPS CAN YOU TAKE TO MAKE SURE YOU REMAIN VIABLE?
[TAKE: AT DESK]
[TAKE: WSP2: JESSICA WILLIAMS/SENIOR POLITICAL BIAS CORRESPONDENT]
{***JESSICA***}
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO REMAIN CALM.
DON’T PROVOKE THE AUDIENCE, BECAUSE ANYTHING DICKISH YOU SAY IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN THE COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION.
{***TREVOR***}
SO THEY HAVE TO JUST STAND THERE AND TAKE IT, LIKE BERNIE SANDERS DID IN SEATTLE?
{***JESSICA***}
PRETTY MUCH.
AS UNFAIR AS IT MAY SEEM TO YOU CANDIDATES OUT THERE, IF YOU TRY TO FIGHT BACK ONSTAGE, IT WILL ONLY ESCALATE THE SITUATION.
(MIMES PLACING HANDS IN CORRECT POSITION)
JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE PODIUM AT 10 AND 2, AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
ALSO, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TRY TO BE A TOUGH GUY.
[VT-SOT: DONALD TRUMP PRESS CONFERENCE DISCUSSING BERNIE SANDERS INCIDENT:
OUTCUE: DONALD TRUMP: “I WOULD NEVER GIVE UP MY MICROPHONE. (FLASH) THAT SHOWED SUCH WEAKNESS. THE WAY HE WAS TAKEN AWAY BY TWO YOUNG WOMEN. (FLASH) THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN WITH ME.” http://bit.ly/1HSbGXL]
{SOT}
{***JESSICA***}
IN FACT, A GOOD RULE OF THUMB FOR ALL HUMAN BEINGS IS TO NOT ACT LIKE DONALD TRUMP IN ANY SITUATION EVER.
{***TREVOR***}
SO YOUR ADVICE TO POLITICIANS IN THIS PREDICAMENT IS: KEEP YOUR COOL.
{***JESSICA***}
YES.
YOU CAN ALWAYS FILE A COMPLAINT WITH A SYMPATHETIC CABLE NEWS PROGRAM AFTERWARDS, BUT THE KEY IS TO BE POLITE AND RESPECTFUL DURING THE ALTERCATION.
JUST LET THE PROTESTERS DO THEIR JOB AND YOU’LL BE BACK OUT THERE PANDERING IN NO TIME.
{***TREVOR***}
THANKS JESSICA.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
LOOSE JOKES
FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE IS NOW BEING USED BY MANY OF THE NATION’S POLICE DEPARTMENTS IN AN EFFORT TO CATCH CRIMINALS.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE ALSO USING IT TO HELP THEM REMEMBER WHICH ONE LINCOLN CHAFEE IS.
A RECENT STUDY FOUND THAT AIR POLLUTION IS KILLING 4,000 PEOPLE A DAY IN CHINA.
WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT, A CHINESE GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN COULDN’T HEAR THE QUESTION OVER THE SOUND OF 1.4 BILLION COUGHS.
JOHN GRISHAM, MORGAN FREEMAN AND JIMMY BUFFETT LENT THEIR NAMES TO A FULL-PAGE AD IN THE MISSISSIPPI CLARION-LEDGER DEMANDING THE STATE CHANGE ITS FLAG, WHICH INCLUDES A CONFEDERATE EMBLEM. IN RESPONSE, MISSISSIPPI HAS CALLED FOR THE IMMEDIATE REMOVAL OF THE CONFEDERATE FLAG FROM THE NATIONAL DISCOURSE.
IN RESPONSE TO A SCATHING NEW YORK TIMES ARTICLE THAT CLAIMED AMAZON CALLOUSLY OVERWORKS ITS EMPLOYEES, CEO JEFF BEZOS INVITED ANY WORKERS WHO FEEL MISTREATED TO EMAIL HIM DIRECTLY SO HE CAN DOCK THEIR PAY FOR THE MINUTES THEY SPENT TYPING THE MESSAGE.
A COLORADO COURT RULED AGAINST A BAKER WHO REFUSED TO MAKE A WEDDING CAKE FOR A GAY COUPLE.
ALTHOUGH LEGALLY, HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO COMPLY, THE BAKER FOUND ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE HIS FEELINGS KNOWN.
[OTS/SS: GROOM-AND-GROOM CAKE TOPPER WITH AN ANGRY BAKER FIGURINE BETWEEN THEM, PUSHING THEM APART]
A RECENT REPORT FROM RESEARCH FIRM SNL KAGAN FOUND THAT OVER 600,000 CABLE TV SUBSCRIBERS CANCELED THEIR SERVICE IN THE LATEST QUARTER.
I KNOW YOU MISS JON STEWART, BUT CAN YOU GIVE A BROTHER A CHANCE?
CARLY FIORINA TOLD A RURAL IOWA CROWD THAT SHE SUPPORTS PARENTS WHO DON’T WANT TO VACCINATE THEIR CHILDREN.
AT LEAST WE THINK THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID – IT WAS HARD TO HEAR HER THROUGH THE HAZMAT SUIT.
[OTS/SS: FIORINA TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO EAT A CORN DOG THROUGH HER HAZMAT SUIT’S FACE SHIELD]