Daily Show Submission Packet
July 2012
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT CHAT – JOHN OLIVER
{***JON***}
HERE TO DISCUSS TIM PAWLENTY’S POSITION AS THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL FRONT RUNNER ON THE REPUBLICAN TICKET IS JOHN OLIVER. HELLO JOHN.
[TAKE: JOHN OLIVER/SENIOR POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT]
{***OLIVER***}
HELLO YOURSELF.
{***JON***}
LET’S GET RIGHT INTO IT. INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT PAWLENTY IS THE MAN TO BEAT FOR THE REPUBLICAN VP SLOT. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE MAN THAT ROMNEY FINDS SO APPEALING?
{***OLIVER***}
WELL, JON, IF ROMNEY BECOMES THE PRESIDENT, HE IS GOING TO NEED A LOT OF ASSISTANCE. HE CAN’T DO IT BY HIMSELF.
{***JON***}
VERY TRUE. IT’S AN INCREDIBLY DEMANDING JOB WITH A LOT OF MOVING PARTS.
{***OLIVER***}
LUCKILY, THIS IS A MAN WHO HAS HAD DECADES OF EXPERIENCE FINDING THOSE WITH THE RIGHT PEDIGREE TO DELIVER THE GOODS.
{***JON***}
ARE YOU REFERRING TO HIS TIME AS GOVERNOR?
{***OLIVER***}
I’M REFERRING TO HIS TIME AS SCROOGE MCDUCK. MITT ROMNEY WAS BORN INTO A LIFE OF PRIVILEGE THE LIKES OF WHICH PEONS LIKE YOU AND I DARE NOT DREAM OF! WE’RE TALKING BUTLERS, MAIDS, RIDING INSTRUCTORS, THE WORKS. MULTIPLY JADEN SMITH BY A THOUSAND, AND YOU’RE STILL NOT EVEN CLOSE. THE SILVER SPOON MITT ROMNEY WAS BORN WITH HAD ITS OWN BOWLING ALLEY!
{***JON***}
I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S POSSIBLE.
{***OLIVER***}
MY POINT IS THAT, DUE TO HIS ARISTOCRATIC UPBRINGING, ROMNEY KNOWS IT WHEN A QUALITY SPECIMEN TROTS IN FRONT OF HIM, AND IN TIM PAWLENTY, HE SEES A STRAPPING YOUNG THOROUGHBRED THAT SEEMS VERY CAPABLE.
{***JON***}
SO YOU THINK PAWLENTY HAS A VICE PRESIDENTIAL AIR ABOUT HIM?
{***OLIVER***}
ABSOLUTELY. LAST WEEK, THE ROMNEY CAMP TOOK PAWLENTY OUT BACK BEHIND THE BARN, WELL ONE OF THE BARNS, FOR A THOROUGH EXAMINATION, AND LET ME TELL YOU, THEY WERE IMPRESSED. FIRST OF ALL, WE’VE GOT TO DISCUSS THAT THICK AUBURN MANE.
{***JON***}
HIS HAIR?
{***OLIVER***}
IT’S WELL MAINTAINED, WHICH SHOWS HE HAS RECEIVED PROPER BREEDING, BUT THE EVER-SO-SLIGHT FLECKS OF GREY ALONG THE TEMPLES SAY, ‘I DON’T ALWAYS FOLLOW THE RULES, BUT IN THE END, YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE ME FOR IT.’ ROMNEY WAS QUITE ENAMORED WITH THIS LITTLE FILLY. HE STROKED HIS TRESSES FOR AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PERIOD OF TIME.
{***JON***}
THIS VETTING PROCESS SOUNDS UNUSUAL TO ME. IT ALMOST SEEMS AS IF ROMNEY IS PICKING OUT A THING TO BUY RATHER THAN A RUNNING MATE FOR PRESIDENT.
{***OLIVER***}
A “THING” JON? WAS SEABISCUIT A “THING”? WAS BARBARO A “THING”? THESE CREATURES HAVE FEELINGS, AND SO DOES LITTLE PAWLEY WALNUTS.
{***JON***}
I’M SORRY, WHO?
{***OLIVER***}
PAWLEY WALNUTS IS MR. PAWLENTY’S PET NAME. IT COMES FROM THIS ONE TIME WHEN HE GOBBLED A BUNCH OF WALNUTS STRAIGHT OUT OF MR. ROMNEY’S HAND.
[FF/SS: PAWLENTY IN STABLE EATING WALNUTS OUT OF ROMNEY’S OUTSTRETCHED HAND]
IT WAS SO CUTE.
{***JON***}
I ADMIT THAT IS ADORABLE. SO DOES THE ROMNEY TEAM HAVE ANY OTHER REASONS WHY THEY THINK HE WOULD FOR MAKE A GOOD CHOICE?
{***OLIVER***}
WELL, THIS IS A WORKING CLASS STEED, THE SON OF A TRUCK-DRIVING STALLION WHO COULD MOVE LIKE THE WIND. THAT IS GOING BE A HUGE PLUS COME NOVEMBER.
{***JON***}
I DO AGREE THAT CHOOSING TIM PAWLENTY-
{***OLIVER***}
PAWLEY WALNUTS.
{***JON***}
THAT CHOOSING…PAWLEY WALNUTS COULD EASE CONCERNS THAT ROMNEY’S MASSIVE WEALTH PUTS HIM OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE STRUGGLES OF EVERYDAY AMERICANS. BUT DO YOU SEE ANY NEGATIVES ROMNEY SHOULD BE WARY OF?
{***OLIVER***}
WELL, JON, LITTLE PAWLEY ISN’T PERFECT. NO BEAST IS. FOR ONE THING, HE CAN BE FICKLE. TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, HIS POSITION ON CAP AND TRADE.
[TAKE: VT-SOT:
OUTCUE: IT’S A WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN PROPOSITION IF WE DO IT RIGHT…CAP GREENHOUSE POLLUTION NOW.
OKAY, WE’RE TROTTING ALONG, NICE AND SMOOTH. BUT THEN THERE’S THIS:
[TAKE: VT: NY TIMES:
PAWLENTY: IT’S FAIR TO SAY, I’VE HAD A CHANGE OF POSITION, AND THE REASON IS, IT’S A DUMB IDEA.]
(MIMING: BUCKS AS IF ON WILD HORSE:)
WHOA NOW, EASY, FELLA! YOU CAN’T JUST GO SWITCHING DIRECTIONS LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE TO LET MR. ROMNEY GUIDE YOU INTO THOSE GUTLESS TURNS.
{***JON***}
SO YOU THINK PAWLEY NEEDS TO BE TAMED?
{***OLIVER***}
OF COURSE. MR ROMNEY KNOWS THERE’S A LOT OF GOD-GIVEN POTENTIAL THERE, BUT YOU DON’T JUST TAKE A BUCKING BRONCO OUT OF THE WILD AND EXPECT HIM TO BE AN ELECTION-WINNING SHOW PONY WITHOUT FIRST OFFERING UP SOME TRAINING. WE HAVE TO BREAK HIM.
{***JON***}
AND IF HE REFUSES TO BE BROKEN?
{***OLIVER***}
THEN WE GET SOME FRESH GLUE TO SEAL OUR CAMPAIGN MAILERS WITH. EITHER WAY.
{***JON***}
JOHN OLIVER EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DAILY SHOW BOY SCOUT HEADLINE
[TAKE: STUDIO BUMPER]
BOY SCOUT HEADLINE
{***JON***}
WELCOME BACK.
THE BOYS SCOUTS OF AMERICA HAS A SIMPLE MISSION:
[VT: BRIEF MONTAGE OF SCOUTS DOING TYPICAL SCOUTING ACTIVITIES-HIKING, SALUTING, ETC]
TO PROVIDE A PROGRAM FOR YOUNG PEOPLE THAT BUILDS CHARACTER. SINCE 1908 WHEN IT WAS FOUNDED, THE ORGANIZATION HAS DONE JUST THAT. HOWEVER, ANOTHER IMPORTANT GOAL, ONE THAT GOES OFT UNSPOKEN, IS TO PROTECT YOUNG FLESH AGAINST…
[SFX: LIGHTNING]
THE GAY MENACE.
[SFX: BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM]
[SFX: GUNSHOT]
[TAKE: VT-SOT: FOX NEWS:
OUTCUE: “IN SECOND GRADE ERIC JONES TOOK THE BOY SCOUT OATH (FLASH) AT 17, JONES EARNED THE RANK OF EAGLE SCOUT, AND THIS SUMMER HE WAS WORKING AT A SCOUT CAMP (FLASH) SO SUNDAY, JONES SAT DOWN WITH THE DIRECTOR OF THE CAMP, TELLING THE DIRECTOR HE WAS GAY (FLASH) JONES: I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE, I WAS TOLD TO LEAVE. PACK YOUR THINGS AND GO. (FLASH) BECAUSE OF THE POLICY, JONES HAD TO LEAVE.“]
[OTS/SS: DISHONORABLE DISCHARGER]
AH, YES, THE POLICY. IF THERE IS ONE THING WE WANT OUR YOUNG PEOPLE TO TAKE AWAY FROM THEIR CHARACTER-BUILDING TIME IN THE SCOUTS, IT’S THAT ONE SHOULD NEVER CHALLENGE AN UNJUST POLICY.
(STEREOTYPICAL ITALIAN VOICE)
“I WANTED TO CALL 911 WHEN THAT GUY STARTED SHOOTIN’, BUT THE POLICY CLEARLY STATES NO CELL PHONES DURING OFFICE HOURS. I DON’T WANT THEM TO DOCK MY PAY. I WORK HARD FOR MINES.” BUT PERHAPS
THERE IS SOME REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS THAT WE’RE MISSING.
[VT – NEW YORK TIMES:
THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA HAS REAFFIRMED ITS LONGTIME POLICY OF BARRING OPENLY GAY BOYS FROM MEMBERSHIP AND GAY OR LESBIAN ADULTS FROM SERVING AS LEADERS…THE EXCLUSION POLICY “REFLECTS THE BELIEFS AND PERSPECTIVES” OF THE ORGANIZATION.]
BELIEFS. AS IN, “WE HAVE THE BELIEF THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUTTA THE TENT, SWISHER SWEET. WE’RE JUST A PACK OF YOUNG BOYS RUBBING OUR WOOD TOGETHER TO SEE IF WE CAN MAKE SPARKS AND WE WON’T HAVE YOU FRUITING IT UP. YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO THE ADMITTEDLY GAY UNIFORM…THAT IS OUR BAD.” BUT MANY AMERICANS ARE PUSHING BACK AGAINST WHAT THEY SEE AS OBVIOUS BIGOTRY.
[TAKE: VT—SOT: MSNBC OUTCUE:
THOMAS ROBERTS: JENNIFER TYRELL WAS HER SON’S DEN LEADER. BUT WHEN THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA LEARNED THAT TYRELL WAS GAY, THEY KICKED HER OUT. (FLASH). NOW JENNIFER AND HER SUPPORTERS ARE PETITIONING TO CHANGE THINGS AND SHE HAS A LOT OF SUPPORT. (FLASH)
TYRELL: THE POLICY NEEDS TO BE CHANGED TO INCLUDE ALL AMERICANS.]
IT’S NICE TO SEE PEOPLE FIGHTING BACK. THIS SENDS THE INSPIRING MESSAGE TO OUR GAY YOUTH THAT WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO BONE YOU HARD, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE IT, ESPECIALLY FROM SOME THICK MEMBER. THAT CAN ONLY LEAD TO PAIN INSIDE.
[VT-NEW YORK TIMES:
TWO MEMBERS OF THE BOY SCOUTS’ EXECUTIVE BOARD, JAMES S. TURLEY, CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF ERNST & YOUNG AND RANDALL L. STEPHENSON, CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF AT&T, HAVE BOTH RECENTLY SAID THEY WILL PUSH TO END THE EXCLUSION POLICY.]
BUT A CERTAIN BUTT-KICKING SEMI-STAR IS HIP TO THE REAL AGENDA AT PLAY HERE.
[VT-HUFFINGTON POST:
IN AN OP-ED FOR THE PRO-AMMUNITION WEBSITE AMMOLAND.COM, THE 72-YEAR OLD LEAD OF ‘WALKER TEXAS RANGER’ SLAMMED TURLEY. NORRIS…IMPLIES THAT THE WHITE HOUSE MAY HAVE “PRODDED [TURLEY] WITH PERKS AND FAVORS” IN AN EFFORT TO GET HIM TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE BSA.]
THE ONLY THING SCARIER THAN READING A BIGOTED OP-ED PIECE FILLED WITH CONSPIRACY THEORIES IS READING ONE ON A WEBSITE CALLED AMMOLAND. IT’S LIKE READING AN ARTICLE AGAINST AFFIRMATIVE ACTION ON NOOSEWORLD.COM. BUT BACK TO MR. NORRIS, WHO LOBS SOME PRETTY HEAVY CHARGES.
[VT-CHUCK NORRIS, AMMOLAND:
IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT TURLEY CAME OUT SWINGING AGAINST THE BSA’S CENTURY-OLD POLICY…AND THAT HE HAS SUCH CLOSE AFFILIATIONS WITH THE PRO-GAY OBAMA ADMINISTRATION? IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT…WHEN TURLEY TURNED ON THE BSA…OBAMA…SENT DOWN A DECREE THAT THE SERVICE BRANCHES MUST CELEBRATE “LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENDER PRIDE MONTH”?]
OH, I DON’T KNOW. IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT CHUCK NORRIS HAS STARRED IN A TREMENDOUS NUMBER OF SHIT MOVIES WATCHED BY NEITHER MR. TURLEY NOR PRESIDENT OBAMA? THAT EACH OF THEM, INDEPENDENTLY OF ONE ANOTHER, WOULD AVOID HIS CUT-RATE FILMS LIKE BLACK DEATH? IT DOESN’T ADD UP.
SO, WITH ALL THIS PRESSURE MOUNTING, WILL THE BOY SCOUTS CONSIDER CHANGING THE RULE?
[TAKE: VT-VOT: NBC ORLANDO:
OUTCUE: THE BOY SCOUTS WOULD NOT COMMENT ON CAMERA, BUT RELEASED THIS STATEMENT SAYING, “SCOUTING MAINTAINS ITS PROGRAM IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE ENVIRONMENT TO INTRODUCE OR DISCUSS, IN
ANY WAY, SAME SEX ATTRACTION…THERE ARE NO PLANS TO CHANGE THIS POLICY.”]
HOWEVER, THE BOY SCOUTS HAVE AGREED TO CHANGE THEIR OFFICIAL SCOUT MOTTO TO BETTER REFLECT THE ORGANIZATION’S CURRENT BELIEFS. WE HAVE AN ACTUAL SCOUT WITH US HERE TONIGHT TO DEBUT IT FOR US.
[FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BOY SCOUT ENTERS, RAISING RIGHT HAND IN OFFICIAL SALUTE]
{***SCOUT***}
ON MY HONOR, I WILL DO MY BEST
TO DO MY DUTY TO GOD AND MY COUNTRY
AND TO OBEY THE SCOUT LAW
TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE AT ALL TIMES
TO KEEP MYSELF PHYSICALLY STRONG
MENTALLY AWAKE
AND SEXUALLY STRAIGHT
{***JON***}
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DAILY SHOW QUOTE APPROVAL HEADLINE
[TAKE: STUDIO BUMPER]
{***JON***}
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
YOU KNOW, I WAS IN THE BACK OFFICE THIS MORNING, JUST GOING THROUGH MY NORMAL ROUTINE OF READING THE OLD GRAY LADY WHILE FORCING AN INTERN TO RUB MY BUNIONS WHEN I CAME ACROSS A MOST INTERESTING ARTICLE.
[VT: NY TIMES:
NOW, WITH A MILLISECOND TWITTER NEWS CYCLE AND AN UNFORGIVING GAFFE-OBSESSED MEDIA CULTURE, POLITICIANS AND THEIR ADVISORS ARE ROUTINELY DEMANDING THAT REPORTERS ALLOW THEM FINAL EDITING
POWER OVER ANY PUBLISHED QUOTATIONS.]
ISN’T THAT ADORABLE? THEY’RE ‘DEMANDING’ FINAL EDITING. THAT REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY KID ‘DEMANDS’ DOUBLE STUF OREOS AND MOUNTAIN DEW FOR BREAKFAST. WE BOTH KNOW HE AIN’T GETTIN’ IT, BUT YOU’VE GOT TO ADMIRE THE CHUTZPAH.
[VT: NY TIMES:
MOST REPORTERS, DESPERATE TO PICK THE BRAINS OF THE…TOP STRATEGISTS, GRUDGINGLY AGREE. AFTER THE INTERVIEWS, THEY REVIEW THEIR NOTES, CHECK THEIR TAPE RECORDERS AND SEND IN THE JUICIEST SOUNDBITES FOR REVIEW….BLOOMBERG, THE WASHINGTON POST, VANITY FAIR, REUTERS, AND THE NEW YORK TIMES HAVE ALL CONSENTED TO INTERVIEWS UNDER SUCH TERMS.]
[OTS/SS: THE HANDOVER]
WAIT, YOU GAVE IT TO THEM?! LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: YOU GAVE POLITICIANS FINAL APPROVAL…OVER STORIES…ABOUT THEMSELVES?! I KNEW JOURNALISM WAS DEAD, BUT AT THIS POINT IT’S LIKE THE CASKET HAS BEEN DUG UP, BLOWTORCHED, PEED ON BY TROUBLED TEENS, AND THEN FED INTO A WOOD CHIPPER.
[VT-NY TIMES:
QUOTE APPROVAL IS STANDARD PRACTICE FOR THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN, USED BY MANY TOP STRATEGISTS AND ALMOST ALL MIDLEVEL AIDES IN CHICAGO AND AT THE WHITE HOUSE.]
[OTS/SS: I’M BARACK OBAMA AND I IMPROVED THIS MESSAGE]
I GUESS BY ‘HOPE’ AND ‘CHANGE’, OBAMA MEANT “I HOPE YOU PLAN TO CHANGE THIS LINE CHOP CHOP’. AND YOU CAN’T BLAME POLITICIANS FOR THIS.
FEEDING US HORSESHIT IS THEIR JOB.
[FF/SS: OBAMA AS WAITER IN RESTAURANT PLACING PLATE OF FECES IN FRONT OF HUNGRY-LOOKING JON]
BUT NOW OUR OWN MEDIA IS
[FF/SS: REPORTER HANDING JON FORK AND KNIFE]
HANDING OUT THE UTENSILS,
[FF/SS: REPORTER TYING BIB ON JON AS HE DIGS IN]
AND TYING ON THE BIB!
[VT- NY TIMES:
THE ROMNEY CAMPAIGN INSISTS THAT JOURNALISTS INTERVIEWING ANY OF MITT ROMNEY’S FIVE SONS AGREE TO USE ONLY QUOTATIONS THAT ARE APPROVED.]
NOW YOU MAY THINK QUOTATION APPROVAL FOR POLITICIANS’ CHILDREN IS GOING OVERBOARD,
[OTS/SS: PHOTO OF ROMNEY BOYS WITH FATHER]
BUT TRUST ME, WITH THOSE ROMNEY BOYS, IT’S THE RIGHT MOVE. INTERVIEWING THEM IS LIKE SITTING DOWN WITH FIVE RACIAL EPITHET PEZ DISPENSERS. AND THE YOUNGEST ONE TRIED TO CONVERT ME TO MORMONISM AT KNIFEPOINT.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: CURRENT TV
OUTCUE: CENK UYGUR: HOW ABOUT DANA MCCLINTOCK. SHE IS THE CBS COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR (READS HER TWEET), “TAKE A BREATH GENTLEMEN. LOTS OF INFORMATION GETS TO THE PUBLIC THAT WOULDN’T IF NOT FOR THIS PRACTICE.”]
SHE MAKES A…POINT. WITHOUT QUOTE APPROVAL, WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS WOULD HAVE BEEN BARRED FROM ELABORATING ON MICHELLE OBAMA’S SNUB OF THE PRESIDENT ON THE KISS CAM. WOULD YOU DENY US EVEN THIS IN THE INTERESTS OF YOUR PRECIOUS “JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY”?
(EARPIECE)
HE’S HERE? WE WERE SUPPOSED SIT DOWN AFT-
(EARPIECE)
OKAY. WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST ON THE SHOW TONIGHT, MR. HOWARD BEALE. HOW ARE YOU, SIR?
[TAKE: VT-SOT:
OUTCUE: HOWARD BEALE: WE ARE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE!]
{***JON***}
I ASSUME YOU’RE REFERRING TO OUR NEWS MEDIA’S UNPRECEDENTED WILLINGNESS TO HAND OVER EDITORIAL CONTROL TO POLITICIANS?
[TAKE: VT-SOT:
OUTCUE: HOWARD BEALE: YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO GET ANY TRUTH FROM US!]
{***JON***}
WHAT CAN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DO TO VOICE THEIR DISAPPROVAL?
[TAKE: VT-SOT:
OUTCUE: HOWARD BEALE: I WANT YOU TO GET UP NOW. I WANT ALL OF YOU TO GET UP OUT OF YOUR CHAIRS. I WANT YOU TO GET UP RIGHT NOW AND GO TO THE WINDOW, OPEN IT, AND STICK YOUR HEAD OUT AND YELL, “I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” THINGS HAVE GOT TO CHANGE.]
{***JON***}
(WRITING DOWN QUOTE IN NOTEPAD) “…HAVE GOT TO CHANGE.” THAT’S A VERY INSPIRING MESSAGE. CAN I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?
[TAKE: VT-SOT:
OUTCUE: HOWARD BEALE: NO.]
{***JON***}
(TEARS PAGE FROM NOTEPAD, CRUMPLES IT UP)
YOU’RE THE BOSS. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
