Daily Show Submission Packet – First Round (2015)
HEADLINE – BOY SCOUTS
[TAKE: STUDIO BUMPER]
{***JON***}
WELCOME BACK.
GAY RIGHTS HAS BEEN QUITE THE TRENDING TOPIC THIS YEAR, AND ON MONDAY, THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA GOT IN ON SOME OF THAT ACCEPTING-PEOPLE-FOR-WHO-THEY-ARE ACTION.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: CBS NEWS:
OUTCUE: CONTESSA BREWER: THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA HAVE LIFTED A BLANKET BAN ON GAY ADULT LEADERS. (FLASH) THE NEW POLICY TAKES EFFECT IMMEDIATELY.]
{SOT}
WOW! THIS IS GREAT NEWS…I ASSUMED HAPPENED YEARS AGO.
I REALLY NEED TO START READING MY ISSUES OF BOY’S LIFE MAGAZINE MORE CLOSELY, BUT I ALWAYS GET WEIRD LOOKS.
[TAKE: OTS/SS: JON READING BOY’S LIFE MAGAZINE ON THE SUBWAY WHILE OTHER RIDERS LOOK AT HIM LIKE A CREEP]
YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO THE SCOUTS THOUGH, BECAUSE A DECISION LIKE THIS COULDN’T HAVE BEEN EASY, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THEIR PARTNERSHIP WITH THE ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE MORMON CHURCH.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: FOX 13 SALT LAKE CITY
OUTCUE: CAROLYN CONNOLLY: TO DATE, THEY’RE THE LARGEST SCOUTING SPONSOR IN THE COUNTRY WITH (FLASH) 437,000 YOUTH MEMBERS.]
{SOT}
EVEN IF THEY AREN’T CRAZY ABOUT THE IDEA OF GAY SCOUT LEADERS, I’M SURE THEY’LL UNDERSTAND WHY THE CHANGE HAD TO BE MADE.
IN RELATIONSHIPS, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: FOX 13 SALT LAKE CITY
OUTCUE: CAROLYN CONNOLLY: THE LDS CHURCH IS RE-EXAMINING ITS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA.]
{SOT}
[TAKE: OTS/SS: JURASSIC WORLDVIEW]
WHOA, SLOW DOWN MORMONS! YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH THE SCOUTS JUST LIKE THAT BECAUSE YOU HAD A DISAGREEMENT?
DO THOSE HUNDRED YEARS YOU’VE SPENT TOGETHER MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
[TAKE: OTS/SS: TWO SCOUTS PADDLING A CANOE]
THINK OF ALL THE CANOES YOU’VE SHARED!
[TAKE: OTS/SS: TWO SCOUTS PRACTICING CLOVE HITCH KNOTS]
ALL THE KNOTS YOU’VE LEARNED AND IMMEDIATELY FORGOTTEN!
[TAKE: OTS/SS: TWO URINATING SCOUTS CROSSING PEE STREAMS]
ALL THE STREAMS YOU’VE CROSSED!
[TAKE: VT-SOT: FOX 13 SALT LAKE CITY
OUTCUE: CAROLYN CONNOLLY: THE CHURCH WOULDN’T ELABORATE ON ANY POTENTIAL PLANS TO LEAVE SCOUTING AT THIS POINT, ONLY SAYING IT IS SOMETHING THEY’RE CONSIDERING.]
{SOT}
[TAKE: OTS/SS: JURASSIC WORLDVIEW]
SO YOU HAVEN’T MADE UP YOUR MIND YET.
THAT’S A RELIEF.
BEFORE DOING ANYTHING RASH, AT LEAST LET THE BOY SCOUTS EXPLAIN THEIR SIDE.
IT’S PROBABLY PRETTY EMOTIONAL.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA
OUTCUE: ROBERT GATES:
DUE TO THE SOCIAL, POLITICAL, AND LEGAL CHANGES TAKING PLACE IN OUR COUNTRY, AND IN OUR MOVEMENT, I DID NOT BELIEVE THE ADULT LEADERSHIP POLICY COULD BE SUSTAINED.
ANY EFFORT TO DO SO WAS INEVITABLY GOING TO RESULT IN SIMULTANEOUS LEGAL BATTLES (FLASH) AT STAGGERING COST.]
{SOT}
THAT WAS…NOT AS MOVING AS I HAD HOPED.
(DRY ROBERT GATES IMPRESSION) “WE HAVE DECIDED NOT TO DISCRIMINATE BECAUSE LAWYERS ARE EXPENSIVE AND WE LIKE MONEY.
CURRENCY OF ALL DENOMINATIONS ARE WELCOME HERE.”
[TAKE: VT: OLD BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE OF BOY SCOUTS ENGAGING IN VARIOUS ACTIVITIES]
REMEMBER WHEN YOU TWO CRAZY GROUPS FIRST GOT TOGETHER IN 1913?
YOU HAD SO MANY TERRIBLE THINGS IN COMMON BACK THEN.
YOU WERE BOTH RIDICULOUSLY HOMOPHOBIC.
YOU BOTH SHARED A PASSION FOR STOPPING RACIAL INTEGRATION.
[TAKE: VT-WASHINGTON POST
THE LAST BOY SCOUT TROOP WASN’T DESEGREGATED UNTIL 1974.]
[TAKE: VT-SOT: MEET THE PRESS
OUTCUE: TIM RUSSERT: IT WASN’T UNTIL 1978 THAT THE MORMON CHURCH DECIDED TO ALLOW BLACKS TO PARTICIPATE FULLY.]
{SOT}
[TAKE: OTS/FF: KID LOOKING LIKE DORK IN NECKERCHIEF]
YOU BOTH INCORRECTLY THOUGHT NECKERCHIEFS LOOKED GOOD.
[TAKE: OTS/SS: JURASSIC WORLDVIEW]
LOOK, RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE OVER TIME, AND SOMETIMES ORGANIZATIONS GROW IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
THE BOY SCOUTS ARE COMMITTED TO TREATING EVERYONE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT…SINCE MONDAY, AND THE LDS CHURCH NEEDS TO ACCEPT THAT.
BUT EVEN SO, THE SCOUTS STILL BENT OVER BACKWARDS TO TRY AND MAKE YOU HAPPY.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA
OUTCUE: ROBERT GATES:
RELIGIOUS CHARTERED ORGANIZATIONS MAY CONTINUE TO USE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS AS A CRITERION FOR SELECTING ADULT LEADERS, INCLUDING IN MATTERS OF SEXUALITY.]
{SOT}
THEY LEFT YOU A LOOPHOLE THE SIZE OF WISCONSIN SO YOU COULD KEEP DISCRIMINATING, BUT WAS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?
(PETULANT) NOOOO!
YOU HAD TO OVERREACT AND MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF THE SCOUTS TRYING TO AVOID A FEDERAL CASE.
(DISGUSTED) GROW UP.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: FOX 13 SALT LAKE CITY
OUTCUE: BOB EVANS: THE CHURCH IS A MAJOR SPONSOR OF THE BSA, LEAVING MANY WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE BSA IF THE CHURCH LEFT THE ORGANIZATION.]
{SOT}
(OFFENDED BY IMPLICATION THE SCOUTS ARE GOLDDIGGERS)
YOU THINK THIS IS ABOUT THE MONEY?
(AFTER A BEAT, JON DROPS HEAD IN CAPITULATION)
OKAY, IT’S MOSTLY ABOUT THE MONEY.
[TAKE: FF/SS: WASHINGTON POST: THE FEE JUST FOR MORMON YOUTHS WOULD COST $10.5 MILLION A YEAR]
THAT KIND OF DOUGH-RE-MI BUYS A LOT OF RUCKSACKS.
[TAKE: OTS/SS: JURASSIC WORLDVIEW]
DON’T GET ME WRONG, THE MONEY’S NICE, BUT CUTTING A CHECK DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY FOR YOU TO HURT THE BOY SCOUTS’ IMAGE LIKE THAT.
IF YOU’RE NOT WILLING TO CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE, THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER DONORS IN THE SEA.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: FOX 13 SALT LAKE CITY
OUTCUE: CAROLYN CONNOLLY: REESE WORKS FOR “SCOUTS FOR EQUALITY” WHICH PETITIONED FOR SEVERAL CORPORATE SPONSORS, LIKE CATERPILLAR AND INTEL TO DROP THE BSA WHEN THEY DID BAN GAY SCOUT LEADERS. (FLASH TO DREW REESE) WE INVITE THEM TO COME BACK. WE WANT THEM TO COME BACK. (FLASH) IT’S A WHOLE NEW FUTURE FOR THE BOY SCOUTS.]
THAT’S RIGHT: THE SCOUTS HAVE BEEN TALKING WITH SOME OF THEIR OLD SPONSORS ABOUT HOOKING UP AGAIN.
JEALOUS?
THE FACT IS, THEY’VE GOT A TOLERANT NEW SWAG THAT IS TURNING HEADS.
SO, MORMON CHURCH, IF YOU WANT TO EXCLUDE YOURSELF TO PROTEST INCLUSION, THAT’S ON YOU.
DON’T LET THE TENT FLAP HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
CORRESPONDENT CHAT – JORDAN KLEPPER
[TAKE: STUDIO BUMPER]
{***JON***}
WELCOME BACK
ACCORDING TO A TOXICOLOGY REPORT, SANDRA BLAND, THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN WHO DIED SUSPICIOUSLY IN A TEXAS JAIL FOLLOWING A ROUTINE TRAFFIC STOP, HAD MARIJUANA IN HER SYSTEM, LEADING MANY TO ASK: WHO GIVES A SHIT? AND: SERIOUSLY, WHO GIVES A SHIT?
[TAKE: AT DESK]
{***JON***}
FOR HIS THOUGHTS ON THIS ISSUE, WE’RE JOINED BY SENIOR CORRESPONDENT JORDAN KLEPPER.
JORDAN, DO YOU THINK THE FACT THAT SANDRA BLAND HAD POT IN HER BLOODSTREAM AT THE TIME OF HER DEATH CHANGES THE CALCULUS OF THIS CASE?
{***JORDAN***}
YOU SAID IT, JON. SHE WAS A MENACE 2 SOCIETY.
{***JON***}
I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
{***JORDAN***}
IN THE INTEREST OF TIME, LET’S JUST AGREE YOU’RE A LIAR AND MOVE ON.
THE FACT IS, SANDRA BLAND SMOKED WEED AT SOME POINT.
EVERYONE KNOWS WEED PLUS BLACK EQUALS THUG.
OR THUGESS?
WHAT’S A FEMALE THUG CALLED?
I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.
I’M FROM VERMONT.
{***JON***}
VERMONT HAS PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO SMOKE MARIJUANA.
{***JORDAN***}
THOSE ARE JUST HONEST, HARDWORKING CAUCASIANS LOOKING TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM BY SMOKING A FEW DOOBIES AND BADMOUTHING SUBPAR MAPLE SYRUP.
THEY’RE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME RACIALLY.
NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
{***JON***}
SO…BECAUSE THEY’RE WHITE, THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO SMOKE POT WITHOUT BEING PORTRAYED AS DANGEROUS HOODLUMS?
{***JORDAN***}
I DON’T MAKE THE RULES, JON.
I JUST BENEFIT FROM THEM, AND HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN THEM NOT CHANGING.
{***JON***}
BUT SURELY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY AFRICAN-AMERICANS WOULD BE UPSET BY THE DOUBLE STANDARD YOU’RE DESCRIBING.
THEY’RE BEING SINGLED OUT.
{***JORDAN***}
YEAH, AS TOTAL BADASSES!
ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS PUT A JOINT IN THEIR MOUTH AND THEY GET A BUNCH OF STREET CRED THEY DIDN’T EVEN EARN.
MEANWHILE, I SMOKE POT EVERY WEEKEND WITH MY BOYS FROM THE BIRD WATCHING CLUB,
[TAKE: FF/SS: JORDAN IN LOCAL PARK WITH HIS CREW OF WHITE, BINOCULARS-HOLDING DWEEBS.]
BUT NO ONE EVER SEEMS AFRAID OF US.
EVEN THE BIRDS THINK WE’RE PUSSIES!
THEY STEAL BREAD RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND.
[TAKE: FF/SS: BIRD FLYING AWAY WITH JORDAN’S BREAD WHILE HE POUTS IMPOTENTLY]
{***JON***}
WOW, THAT GOLDFINCH REALLY EMASCULATED YOU.
{***JORDAN***}
HE THREATENED TO PECK ME, JON. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO!
{***JON**}
MY POINT IS, IN HIGH-PROFILE CASES INVOLVING THE QUESTIONABLE DEATH OF A BLACK PERSON, THERE IS OFTEN THIS RUSH TO DISCREDIT THEIR CHARACTER.
FOR INSTANCE, TRAYVON MARTIN WAS YOUR AVERAGE HIGH SCHOOL KID WHO SMOKED A LITTLE POT, YET PEOPLE TRIED TO PAINT HIM AS A GANGBANGER WHO GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO HIM.
[TAKE: VT-SOT: CNN
OUTCUE: ROBERT ZIMMERMAN JR.: I WANT TO KNOW IF IT IS TRUE, AND I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S TRUE, THAT TRAYVON MARTIN WAS LOOKING TO PROCURE FIREARMS, WAS GROWING MARIJUANA PLANTS, OR WAS MAKING LEAN, OR WHATEVER HE WAS DOING. http://bit.ly/1MWlGDZ]
{SOT}
{***JORDAN***}
IF ONLY THE REAL TRAYVON MARTIN, WHO WAS PURSUING HIS DREAM OF BECOMING A PILOT, HAD TAKEN THE TIME TO MENTOR THE FICTIONAL TRAYVON MARTIN, WHO WAS A GUN-OBSESSED DRUG KINGPIN, HE COULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD INFLUENCE ON HIMSELF.
{***JON***}
I’M VERY CONFUSED.
{***JORDAN***}
YOU SEE JON, I BELIEVE EVERY AFRICAN-AMERICAN HAS A RESPONSIBILITY TO REACH OUT TO THEIR RACIST CARICATURE AND HELP GET THAT OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPE BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK.
I’M NOT SAYING IT WILL BE EASY, OR POSSIBLE, BUT NOTHING TRULY WORTHWHILE EVER IS.
(JORDAN SLIDES JON AN INFORMATIONAL PAMPHLET)
WE COULD USE YOUR FINANCIAL SUPPORT.
{***JON***}
(WORRIED)
ARE YOU GAMBLING AGAIN, JORDAN?
{***JORDAN***}
BIG TIME, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
I’M THE FOUNDER OF THE “BIG MADE UP BROTHER” PROGRAM,
(PUTS ON HAT THAT READS, “BIG MADE UP BROTHER”)
WHICH MATCHES FABRICATED AT-RISK IMAGES OF AFRICAN-AMERICANS WITH POSITIVE BLACK ROLE MODELS THAT AREN’T TOTAL BULLSHIT.
(TO CAMERA)
ONLY THE REAL YOU CAN HELP THE FAKE YOU BECOME A BETTER YOU.
{***JON***}
(THINKS FOR A BEAT)
I’LL KICK IN FOR THAT.
(JON TAKES SOME CASH OUT OF HIS SUIT POCKET AND HANDS IT TO JORDAN)
YOU’RE DOING GOD’S WORK, JORDAN.
JORDAN KLEPPER, EVERYONE.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ORIGINAL SEGMENTS
The Feminine Mistake – A condescending male correspondent assembles a panel of women to discuss a female-centric issue, and finds various ways to change their answers to the “correct” ones that he, as a man, thinks they should have.
He changes the answers they say through various techniques: pre-recording opinions to play over their comments while lowering their microphones, adding dialogue bubbles, etc.
Unhappy with the results, the correspondent then hires a panel of female actors and assigns them each a different female stereotype, such as the cold-hearted career woman, the woman obsessed with getting married, the “guy’s girl,” the cougar, and so on.
He gives each index cards with their lines on them, and then interviews them as a group. One of the women’s cards just says, “Validating nod.”
What’s In It For Us? – A roundup of international stories featuring a correspondent who explains to the American audience (who are notoriously disinterested in international affairs) why should give a damn about these foreign events. The correspondent thinks the ONLY thing that matters is how it affects America, and his tone is extremely utilitarian.
The Daily Show Aftershow – This is a recap show that discusses the Daily Show segment that aired right before it, and it quickly becomes clear that the host didn’t watch Trevor’s segment very carefully, and totally misrepresents his take on the topic to make Trevor seem like a horrible man spouting toxic ideas.
A few celebrity TDS fans come out onto the couch to discuss their shock and disappointment with what the host tells them Trevor said. They obviously didn’t watch the segment either. One of them doesn’t even realize Jon Stewart left the show.