Your Content Will Resume Shortly

written by Evan Waite and River Clegg

Your content will resume shortly. In the meantime, please prepare to watch this advertisement. You’ll get to learn about a new product; plus, it’s funny. That’s a win-win!

Thirty seconds. That’s the price you have to pay to watch the video you clicked on. You resent having your content tainted by the impurity of commerce, don’t you? Well, grow up. This is how it works. This is how it’s always worked. If you don’t like it, read a book.

Yeah, that’s what we thought.

You have no right to complain, by the way. You’re at work. You’re supposed to be clicking on important, business-type things. Spreadsheets and whatnot. Yet here you are, gorging on content that won’t make your company a single dollar. In fact, by not working right now, you’re actually costing your company money. What would your boss say about this?

Relax. We won’t tell.

Your content is on its way!

Isn’t content great? It’s such a helpful distraction from the things that worry you. Like how your hair is thinning and your daughter no longer looks up to you. That stuff is a real bummer—unlike content. Content is awesome! It’s got everything: music, jokes, unlikely animal friends. One video is just eighteen seconds of a dog sleeping. Over three million views. Is watching an ad really too much to ask when your reward is a brief respite from thinking about what’s become of your life?

Things would be so different if you had pursued your passion for photography.

As you wait for your content, one fun thing to do is to think about other content you’ve seen in the past. Remember that Madonna video where she fell down? That was pretty good content. Some people watched it more than once! The more times a video is watched, the better it is.

Your content is coming up soon. Sit tight.

Unfortunately, this isn’t one of those ads you can skip after five seconds. We know you prefer those. Sorry, but you’re just going to have to power through. The advertiser paid more money, so it’s entitled to more of your time. C’mon—it’s not that bad. Dwayne Johnson is in this one! Sometimes people call him the Rock, which is a funny thing for a man to be called.

Also note: you’re under no obligation to buy the product being promoted here. The advertisers figure that if enough people like you watch the ad, enough of you will buy the thing, and the investment will have been worth it. So don’t worry. What you do as an individual is meaningless.

Exciting news—your content’s almost here! We know thirty seconds can feel like a long time, but we hope you liked the ad. We hope you like every ad, whether it’s for midsized sedans or fruit-flavored beer alternatives. And as you sit hunched over your desk, know this: the ad is here for you. To ease your transition into that blissful alternate reality you long to join. The reality where you’re still happily married, where you’re creatively fulfilled, where you’re healthy and popular and tallish. That’s the world you want.

That’s the world everyone wants.

Hey, good news—the ad is over!

Your content is now buffering.

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