As An Abusive Cop, I’m Impressed By The Taser X26’s Battery Life

In my 12 years as an unhinged cop who has no business being on the force, I’ve abused a lot of people. I mean a lot. I tend to lash out at the slightest provocation, especially when I’m feeling impotent because my wife yelled at me. And tasing is kind of my go-to move when I don’t feel like pistol-whipping. I’ve tried nearly every stun gun on the market and I must say that I’m thoroughly impressed with the Taser X26’s battery life.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than trying to tee off on some cholo who didn’t say “sir” and realizing your taser is out of juice. No cop should have to look like a fool in front of a minority they’re about to beat. And with the Taser X26, you can be sure that the next unlucky target of your bigoted rage will wish you had gone with an inferior brand.

Taser X26 delivers an impressive 26 watts of power that completely overrides a handcuffed man’s central nervous system so that they’ll be rendered incapable of defending themselves once the kicking starts. And rest assured, the kicking will start.

The Taser X26 is a vast improvement on the M26, which was barely able to electrocute a few dozen unarmed brothers before crapping out on me. I wish I could tase whoever designed that piece of crap.

Sure, the VIPERTEK VTS-881 will probably get the job done if you aren’t a smoldering powder keg just waiting to explode. And the GLADIATOR 35MV can traumatize a respectable number of skate punks with smart fucking mouths before its battery drains.

But for psychotic officers like me who put their lives on the line every day to psychologically settle scores that date back to middle school, it’s nice to know the X26 will always have your back when you want to tase someone in the back.

I’m sad all the time.

Next week, I’ll be reviewing the PatrolEyes HD body camera, which in my opinion would be a much better product if it had no batteries at all.