A Homeschool Report Card in the COVID-19 Era

Mathematics [C-]

Jake has difficulty comprehending that I have a fraction of the patience that I used to. The other day, I yelled at my shoe for not slipping off on the first yank. Hopefully, the shoe learned its lesson so I won’t have to scold it again.

Sadly, Jake also fails to understand subtraction, because we have only so much toilet paper and he’s using too much. The way he’s plowing through it, you’d think the kid had two butts. Despite repeated warnings, he does not seem to realize that the grocery store is Thunderdome. Someone stole Charmin from my cart at knifepoint.

Jake demonstrates little knowledge of the relationship between my plunging bank account and him not getting a Nintendo Switch. With a little imagination, staring out the window is every bit as fun as Mario Kart.

He continues to struggle with ratios when mixing Manhattans. While it still gets me drunk, he needs to develop a steadier hand with the pour.

Language Arts [B]

I believe that Jake could benefit from paying closer attention to the thinly veiled bedtime stories in which I work through my existential dread. He zoned out during the tale of the dragon who wonders what it’s all for. Right at the climax, Jake said that he had to go pee, but I didn’t hear a flush. I think he was ducking me.

Jake has learned to use euphemisms to describe my fraying mental state when talking to concerned relatives. He is skilled at employing adjectives that soft-pedal the reality.

Recently, he has learned the difference between fact and opinion when reading the news, and now he thinks that he’s better than me. So what if I get my information from a guy wearing Oakleys who broadcasts from his car? He tells me what I want to hear, and that soothes me.

History [D]

I’ve been rewatching old Super Bowl broadcasts because I miss my sports, but Jake says that it’s “boring.” It’s not boring, Jake. You’re boring. I love you, buddy, but it’s a slog seeing your face all day, every day. I feel horrible admitting it, but there hasn’t been a night since this started when I haven’t thought about just packing a bag and rolling the dice out there in the world.

Science [N/A]

Straight up not teaching it. That’s right—I can’t understand material designed for children. The coronavirus has exposed me as a functional idiot. Jake loses more respect for me with each lesson. He rolled his eyes when I said volume is “like mass, but wet.” When I taught that photosynthesis is how cameras work, he had me repeat it to his friend on Zoom. Timmy’s cackle cut me to the quick.

Putting a Sock in It [F]

If you don’t have anything nice to say about my smell, then dab some Vicks under your nose and pipe down. The stench is part of who I am now.

Physical Education [B]

Last night, I caught a puck to the nuts coming out of the bathroom. I get that Jake has a lot of energy to burn, but he needs to work on his sportsmanship, and aim.

Jake has excelled at beating me at Uno, which infuriates and emasculates me. My work hours have been cut and my hair has not—I could really use a win right now.

Art [C+]

While capably executed, Jake’s pony drawings have zero relevance in a post-COVID world. How about drawing us a vaccine, Picasso!

Sorry, that’s not fair. I’m just stressed.


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